Where in the world is my Emmy?

10

How did this happen so fast? Holy smokes!!

I don't really recall where I was puberty wise when I was 10 but I dont think I had developed or had "big girl" hair!!!

I was forced into the "Care and keeping of the body" with her this weekend. I HATED IT!! I had to show her how to shave for the first time, Deodorant, cleanliness and freshness. She has little bitties starting to sprout so we bought her a few bras.

THE BIGGEST change I have noticed is the "TUDE". Good golly I know I never gave that much tude!! Man she is testy and moody and definatly NON athletic, miss thing has no interest in exercise or bodly movement at all. We rode out bikes about 15 miles and she was pissed and nearly in tears!! LOL.

She left for a week long camp this morning, I dont know if she had tude because it was 7am or because I promised to french braid her hair and didn't or because she was nervous. She got on the bus, sat down looked around, knocked on the window with tears in her eyes and said bye. I about fell apart but knew that she would be fine. She then got off the bus came to me and said no one will like her or play with her because she was the ONLY white kid... I felt bad on one hand but also thought diversity isn't going to kill her. I sent her away with a hug and a kiss and a camera!

Emmy:
Blonde
Blue Eyes
THANK GOD tall!!
Perfect teeth
Girly girl
Ugly toes
Cute smile and sense of humor
Sweet kind kid!

We love you sissy, hope you have a great time!!

Weekenders

Oh How I love my weekends.

So the kids are here, we are all getting settled in. The changing of the rules... this in itself was a whole weekend adjustment. Emmy thinks because she is 10 and "parts" are changing that she can stay up til a half past the butt crack of dawn... NAH!! Boog thinks because he flew on an airplane to get here that he is on vacation... NAH!

Dumb Dumb Daddy sent boog with 12 pairs of jammies NO shorts 1 yes my friends 1 friggen pair of pants and 10 nasty ass t-shirts and so me old ratty airwalks. Ok yes my baby has morphed himself into skater boy, which in itself is fine but no sketer boy of mine will look like a skater boy from the hood. So none the less we had to go shopping. $160 later we came out with 2 shorts, 5 shirts. 2 shirts for emmy and a pair of shorts for emmy. Oh and Mommy got capris and 2 tops... Pretty good!! Love Old Navy for casual wear.

So now I really have to cook too. I forgot that kids need to be fed at leat 3-4 times daily. Odd I only eat 1-2 times daily. They throw shit on the floor and eat with fingers. How quickly I had forgotten all that.

This weekend, we shopped and barbqued rode our bikes 15+ miles.

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Dear X...

Sometimes I HATE you like uncooked liver, yes that means I want to BARF whenever I see you!

Sometimes I want to be your friend. Catch phrase SOMETIMES!

Most of the time your as much of a thought as the tiny particals I breath everyday. Good right?

Almost never do I think we could have made it work. Yes that means the thought has crossed my mind. albeit in a state of utter misdirection of emotions.

Alot of the time I think your an asshole, a jerk, cruel and I mean nasty mean cruel... like last spring when you and your dad hired someone to lift my car and transport it back to Oregon so you could sell it for the money, knowing full well I was awarded the car in the divorce. Mean and gross!

From time to time I think you are a good person. And from time to time I think you mean well.

90% of the time I think you are CHEWING off your own nose to spite your face! You carry so much nasty nasty bitterness that I cant understand. And I dont have to.

YOU did it... you chose your path. I tried. I stayed. I worked on it. It didnt work. I stopped. I left. Its pretty simple as I see it.

Why in the world are you bitter and nasty with and to me? Cant you see that my choice is best for all of us?? Would it have better for me to stay , and us to argue in front of the kids or even not in front of them but to dispay a seperation to them?

My advice to you:

GET OVER IT!! its been 3 years, I am happy. You cant control any of this. Stop being mean and nasty and carry your own guilt now! I didn't commit the crime so im NOT going to do the time.

I am over it and hope we can move forward as Co-Parents! I know you are a good person but you are trying to hard to be a jerk.

Please keep in mind, Our kids will know all of this someday. I will play the quiet role for now in the interest of protecting their innocence and trying to provide them with the most stable environment as possible under the circumstances. You will have to answer for all of this someday. Protect yourself, we can salvage a civil relationship still!

Signed... The wannabe slim shady

Movin' on up...(please say it with the tune)

Ok I am so stoked that my HARD work is paying off!!!

We have been house hunting for about a month now. Mostly me, as D has very little time for this sort of thing. I have spent many a days off with dave the realtor. In fact many sick days with Dave.

So I found a STELLAR deal!! its a 3 bd 3 ba 2100 sqft house not including the basement. Its brand new, in the Murphy Creek golf course community. It has hardwoods throughout the kitchen and bathrooms the entry way and laundry room. Granite countertops and top o the line cabinetry. The master bedroom has a "master retreat" attached to it. Its really rather worthless I think but it adds value and the 2 rooms are divided by a 3 sided fireplace.. whoa. The master bath has a "garden tub" a stand up shower and a toilet room, walk in closet of course.

So anyhow thats what I have been up to. As you can tell I am stoked, maybe a bit nervous about the idea of a binding agreement with OUT the real binding agreement a SPARKLY left hand adornment!!

Anyhow if y'all want to see my new digs I will post soon.

Wish there was an Ikea here!! UGH!!

Over the hill

My brother and I have been talking alot lately as D and I are buying a house. He tells me my parents are going to buy a house for the 1st time ever. This brings mixed emotions, We have lived in the white house at 7207 Syracuse for 20 years. I know I dont live there anymore but my bedroom does, my memories do and my parents do. I know that its way to much house for just them. But what that realization is bringing me is that my parents are getting older. I am excited for them also. Their 1st house. Theirs!!! GREAT!! I have already owned 3!! And this is their first, she can do what she wants, she can paint and have animals and 1 floor. I am proud of them.
I am in the mortgage industry, just like Brent. I know how it all works I just don't get the loan he does. D and I are getting a 5 year ARM interest only, we have a specific reason for that and it works for us. Brent is getting our parents a 30 year fixed INTEREST ONLY.... uh?? huh?? they will never own it!! Brent says this is best for them. Ok you know best your the broker im not. Why though? He says mom and dad will not survive another 30 years so why not let them live comfortably by paying as little as possible. He doesnt want them to pay principle on something that we the kids dont need after they are gone. Ok I agree and understand now.
In 30 years my parents will be 90 or fast approaching. I understand now but I have never really stopped to realize this fact. My grandpa died at 74 I was a sophmore in high school. It was tough but I understood. This has caused me alot of grief the last few days with the random thoughts I have had about their potential passings.
As we all know my mom has gone through a medical nightmare my high school days. With heartattacks and broken legs.. Dad has always been healthy until the last couple of years. My mom is like a horse she seems to survive everything. I am worried about my dad though.

Sniffler and the loud mouth

I love my job... I hate working like most normal human beings. Who wouldn't want to stay home watch Dr. Phil, Oprah, Days of our lives (although I haven't watched in 8 years) TLC and all those good channels with so many good ideas!!!

Boss man is out of town!! Hooray!!

The level of excitement around here is showcased in people sleeping at their desks and blinds drawn... I sadly spent my whole 8 hours on 1 project that normally would take me 3 hours, How in the world did I stretch it out??

But I have to tell y'all 'bout the sniffler and loud mouth!!! OH MY GOD!!! BLOW THE FUCKING thing!!!!!!!!!! UGH I hate repition of annoyances!!! SHUT THE HELL UP!!! blow your damn snout and wipe it. The thing I hate most its a DRY SNIF!!! the sound of a dry snif is like brushing a hairbrush across a blackboard!!! NO I CANT TAKE IT!! The Sniffler is a nice lady with "issues" she is 40 something and a bitter ex wife/cat lady. she has curly bozo red hair wacky ass shape I wont bother to describe because she herself doesnt bother me. She comes into my office and says " I have been dating 56 for 61 days now, he hasn't made any sexual advances to me. Is this weird?" Uh... YEAH!! ITS WEIRD YOUR TALKING TO ME ABOUT IT!! No I cant be on that girlfriend talk about sex and periods and shopping with you level. OK so in my attempt to be civil after she sniffled 3 x, I said maybe he is just trying to be a gentleman, ya think? Oh boy!!

Now the loud mouth comes to visit the sniffler about 3-4 times daily, she is new to the company and I DONT know anything about her except for her appearance and level of vocal spirits!! She is SO loud, as if to announce "I am here, look at me, hear my story, I promise its sad" She is about late 30 something I would guess but have a strange suspision she is much younger. Her first day she cried about her daughter ahving an asthma attack and how they spent 3 days in the hospital... Ok im sorry you went through that could you shut my door? you're closer than I am... Thanks!! She is eager to be liked and fit in so she brings donuts daily and pop...

Someday I will spend my days watching what I want, listening to whom I want and shopping when I want!!!

In a nutshell

I married young, I had my first born shortly after still young. I bought my first house shortly after that. I had it all, I had the man the baby the house and the cars. And I was proud, so proud that I had it all so young!!!

But I forgot to grow up, I didnt learn to love.

I HATED him not because he was him but because I didn't love him, I didnt admire him, I didn't want him or need him. I built a resentment on top of the fact that I was being forced to grow up by choices I made. I resented myself.

I loved him as a person a fellow human, as family, as daddy. I loved his smile and good nature and his willingness to be positive. I loved that he tried.

We grew more and more resentful of each other. He knew I didn't love and respect him the way a woman should love her husband. I knew he loved me and would try if I just gave him the go ahead. I felt stuck in a life I didnt want to be in, I didnt know how to be a wife let alone the wife that he needed. Im not outwardly affectionate and open.

After moving out of state for a period of time we became closer and I felt like I was learning to love. After all I didnt want to destroy a family over my own selfishness, ignorance or unwillingness to divert from my past. Alot of internal battling myself to grow up. I wasn't a bad mom, in fact I was a good mom and loving to my kids. I just didnt know how to love him.

The next few years were a work in progress. I finally chose my husband over my family. we moved once again out of town. We were seeing eye to eye, we were happier than previous years, we were ready to be a unit and work as a team. So I thought!

I was a stay at home mom with a part time job to help pay for the leisure and weekends. A part time job that allowed me free time and time to be creative. I started working out and thinking about the future, I decided to go back to school. I registered at Clark and was looking forward to classes starting.

The monkey wrench... I fowled up the routine. I came home from work early to get more supplies for a client I was working on a big project for... The sounds I heard that day on May 3rd 2002 at 10:43 am were sounds that will haunt me possibly forever. It was every wifes worst nightmare. I was horrified, confused, hurt, happy, sad I didn't know how to react. I stood there speechless, no emotions.

I left the house, I picked up my kids and carried on with my life as nothing had happened. I became paranoid, suspisious, scared, the victim, obsessed. I was being forcd to face myself. This was my turning point. Who was I? Who was I supposed to be? Who will my kids be? Why did things turn out this way? Am I alone? Do I want to be? What do I do now? How do I do it? Can I do it? Why did he do it? Is it my fault? Do I blame him?

I spent the next 6 months wondering what, who, why and how. Totally out of the blue, I woke one day and decided I wasnt who I wanted to be and I had to change my life to be me... I hated that I was going to destroy my family and have to do it alone now. But I was finally ready to do it. I started school, I was doing well. I moved home and started over.

Its now 3 years after that day. I am totally in love with D. I can make independent decisions, I enjoy my kids, I enjoy being in love, I am proud that I finished what I finished in school. I get excited about adventure, about the future.

I watched a program about suppressing feelings and how it will come back oneday in one way or another. I fell apart, I bawled, I questioned, I felt horrible and didn't realize it hurt so bad. I was to busy trying to be strong and independent and to put it all behind me that I never faced it.

So I have and it happened and im over it. I have always lived by the idea that everything happens for a reason and it happened for a reason. I have learned from it. I dont hate him, I feel sorry for him and sorry that I wasn't a better wife in the begining but I never deserved what I got. Im sorry he has to live with it for the rest of his life.

Happily ever after.

Insert foot

I almost feel like I have stuck my foot in my mouth. Like I said something that was misinterpreted not because people read it wrong but because I have a knack for communicating what I didnt think of first...

I know that we have all grown up and taken different paths. I of course miss the freedom of being a child/teen and having those uninhibited fun times and being stupid together. I didn't mean to solicite a girlfriends revival session, I was more making a statement that it would be fun to get together and see how we have each grown up and who we have become. reminise and laugh about it all.

R, our friendship was so important to me, I will never forget any of the times we shared either. We were so close for those few years and it just seemed to go away shortly after high school. Which is very understandable. You went one way I went the polar opposite. You are very right, I miss the you from back then. I dont know the you now. I am naturally curious about the you now and D and how you guys are and so on. Your blog feeds my curiousity, its nice to be able to read about you and know that your well.

Lu, I know that you and I were never close. I always considered you a friend, and like any of my friends would have done anything for you. I love reading your blogs and am as curious about your life as I am others. I admire that you are still who you have always been... Strong, independent and determined. I remember in high school when you decided to convert.. I remember my personal opinion and I remember admiring that you didnt seem to give a rip what others thought and you were going to do what you wanted to do because you believed in it. I HATED that you had the boy I had the secret crush on...lol. Oh High school I am glad its gone. So rock on Lu!!

Know it all, you meant the world to me. I always trusted you with everything I had. You were always there if/when I needed you. I remember all those nights staying with you while big Al was over seas or working nights. I always admired you.Thank you for being a part of my wedding and being a phone call away when I spit out an 8 pounder. I can say I am very proud of your determination and hard work at becoming an attorney.

I know I could never have the relationship with any of you that we once had. I wouldnt want to either. Im not that person anymore nor do I want to be. I know your all doing well in life and as always are strong.