Merry Christmas!!!

I never thought I would be SERIOUSLY all alone on Christmas, kinda sucks, kinda quiet, kinda nice, kinda yeah right.. IT SUCKS.

Anyhow.. Merry Christmas to all. Happy belated birthday "rocky" hope you had an AWESOME 30th.

To my family, I know I am a needle in our haystack but I know I will still be missed. Im sorry I couldnt be home for Christmas this year, hurts and sad but ima big girl now and these are the kinds of things we face as grown ups. I am thankful I wa able to be home last week for sasa. Enjoy the holiday and kisses to you all.

Emmy and Boog.. I love you both so much. I know you think you hurt my feelings by wanting to go out of town with your dad and his GF... PLEASE dont worry. I am fine and happy that you guys are spending time with your family. I love you both and will see you soon. Merry Christmas!!!

I hope EVERYONE gets what they want!! even if they aren't REAL KEDS!! haha

Come together right now... Faithfully.

I just returned from an emergency trip back home to Portland.

On my merry way to my first day on the new job I witnessed a HORRIBLE accident. I left the scene thinking to myself.. A. HOW HORRIBLE!! The families will be devistated B. SHIT the families will be even more devistated, its the holidays. and C. I feel very lucky... I have a HUGE family and things like unexpected tragic losses DONT happen to us.

I got the call on tuesday. I left for Portland thursday night, as soon as I was told "you need to come home".

My aunt is only 48, she is a grandmother to 1 and 1 on the way. My cousins are both in their 20's still, one recently married the other not even thinking about it.

Wednesday she had brain surgery where they removed the cyst incased tumor and notified the family it is malignant (cancer) and that it is progressive and will diminish any quality of life from this point forward. Surgeon says 9-12 months with the disclaimer "I am only the surgeon, you will need confirmation from the oncologist".

The news, is DEVASTATING!! Our family is SO strong, but our knee caps can only take so much. After my brother was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago, I thought we had had our fair share of heartache. After my other brother was sent to prison for 7 years for being an "accomplice" I thought wow we are a strong family and can get through anything. We are proving to be so strong, not a dry eye in the house... in fact the sobbing was in unison, almost a melody.

I kind of feel empty and emotionless, I am spent and so sad there are NO MORE tears in me. I watched a kid trip and fall on his face at the airport tonight.. he smacked his nose and bloodied it. Usually I am all mom and get the "hewp" and jump up to the plate.. I just wheeled my roller bag right around him and kepta goin'.

I was so overwhelmed I had to leave Portland and am glad to be back in Denver, in my peace and quiet.

I just dont know what to think.

Never a dull moment

During my training class today I got that DREADED phone call.. you know the one when mom (or anyone close to you) calls and is forced to choke out a message because I cant take the call in a class.. but then you wonder why is she calling she knows im in a class.. So I better listen to the message... I HATED IT.

Mom: "Please call home now, its important (choking in tears)"

I frantically call back... but like an idiot I call her while she is calling me and we cancel each other out.

Ok so the news is... My Aunt is in the hospital with a possible Brain tumor, very sick. If you know my family you know how close we ALL are and how when one goes down we are all there. I cant be, I am beside myself, how do I get home, keep my job, pay for the trip... I hate living so far away in times like this.

My whole family is there for her and I am here. hard hard!!

I want to be there with my people and show I care and be supportive, everyone in my family holds an equal value to everyone. Very challenging not to fall apart.

She goes in tomorrow for brain surgery and we will know whats going on tomorrow night.

A WHOLE different holiday season..

This will be the first time in 31 years I wont be with family on Christmas day. Sucks!!

The kids will be with their dad this year and being with the family at "sasa's" house wont be the same without the kids. SO in order to save the $300+ dollars for a positive space ticket I chose not to go home this year and spend that money on gifts for the kids and nieces and of course POSTAGE!!

Oh well I guess, working for an airline I will need to get used to missing events like this.

Bah humbug?? Maybe I will go to vegas for the day?? sounds like an adventure huh!!

Happy holidays to all of you.

A WHOLE different animal

I got the job.. I will be a flight attendant before the end of next year... Its what I wanted!! The pay may not be great but I will be happy!!

I can commute from home and be excited to work everyday.. NO MORE desks and computers and 15 minute breaks..

Until I go to training I will be working at my current employer.

I look forward to trying something new and doing something I love to do!!

Solo act

All right folks this train is leaving the station.

I am packing my car AGAIN!!! And I am setting sail for the rockies again. I have 100% unsuccessful in finding adequate work in PDX. I am annoyed and of course sad, I was just starting to settle back in again.

So I took the decent paying job with supreme benefits.

I leave sunday to drive back to denver. I hope to get there and just start all over. Learn to like my soloness, enjoy my lonely quiet unjudged time, watch whatever I want on TV WHEN I want, leave dirty dishes out until I AM ready to clean them.

Dont let me kid myself its going to be painful but good for me. The hard part will be Christmas, I wont be home, I will be in Denver solo this year the kids are with their dad this year and I find it pointless to fly home for the holiday if my kids wont even be there...