In a nutshell

I married young, I had my first born shortly after still young. I bought my first house shortly after that. I had it all, I had the man the baby the house and the cars. And I was proud, so proud that I had it all so young!!!

But I forgot to grow up, I didnt learn to love.

I HATED him not because he was him but because I didn't love him, I didnt admire him, I didn't want him or need him. I built a resentment on top of the fact that I was being forced to grow up by choices I made. I resented myself.

I loved him as a person a fellow human, as family, as daddy. I loved his smile and good nature and his willingness to be positive. I loved that he tried.

We grew more and more resentful of each other. He knew I didn't love and respect him the way a woman should love her husband. I knew he loved me and would try if I just gave him the go ahead. I felt stuck in a life I didnt want to be in, I didnt know how to be a wife let alone the wife that he needed. Im not outwardly affectionate and open.

After moving out of state for a period of time we became closer and I felt like I was learning to love. After all I didnt want to destroy a family over my own selfishness, ignorance or unwillingness to divert from my past. Alot of internal battling myself to grow up. I wasn't a bad mom, in fact I was a good mom and loving to my kids. I just didnt know how to love him.

The next few years were a work in progress. I finally chose my husband over my family. we moved once again out of town. We were seeing eye to eye, we were happier than previous years, we were ready to be a unit and work as a team. So I thought!

I was a stay at home mom with a part time job to help pay for the leisure and weekends. A part time job that allowed me free time and time to be creative. I started working out and thinking about the future, I decided to go back to school. I registered at Clark and was looking forward to classes starting.

The monkey wrench... I fowled up the routine. I came home from work early to get more supplies for a client I was working on a big project for... The sounds I heard that day on May 3rd 2002 at 10:43 am were sounds that will haunt me possibly forever. It was every wifes worst nightmare. I was horrified, confused, hurt, happy, sad I didn't know how to react. I stood there speechless, no emotions.

I left the house, I picked up my kids and carried on with my life as nothing had happened. I became paranoid, suspisious, scared, the victim, obsessed. I was being forcd to face myself. This was my turning point. Who was I? Who was I supposed to be? Who will my kids be? Why did things turn out this way? Am I alone? Do I want to be? What do I do now? How do I do it? Can I do it? Why did he do it? Is it my fault? Do I blame him?

I spent the next 6 months wondering what, who, why and how. Totally out of the blue, I woke one day and decided I wasnt who I wanted to be and I had to change my life to be me... I hated that I was going to destroy my family and have to do it alone now. But I was finally ready to do it. I started school, I was doing well. I moved home and started over.

Its now 3 years after that day. I am totally in love with D. I can make independent decisions, I enjoy my kids, I enjoy being in love, I am proud that I finished what I finished in school. I get excited about adventure, about the future.

I watched a program about suppressing feelings and how it will come back oneday in one way or another. I fell apart, I bawled, I questioned, I felt horrible and didn't realize it hurt so bad. I was to busy trying to be strong and independent and to put it all behind me that I never faced it.

So I have and it happened and im over it. I have always lived by the idea that everything happens for a reason and it happened for a reason. I have learned from it. I dont hate him, I feel sorry for him and sorry that I wasn't a better wife in the begining but I never deserved what I got. Im sorry he has to live with it for the rest of his life.

Happily ever after.