Bloggity blog blog

I have had this "blog" for over a year now. However, I didn't start really enjoying it until early this year. I did a search online for a friend that had a baby in December , her newbie had a white tongue and I knew what it was but couldnt remember the name of it so blah blah blah I went online and did a search for "Thrush" as I thought thats what it was called.. so anyhow I did my search and came across a blog called "Thrusher" in this entry this person was talking about a Luwanna. I thought there probably isnt alot of Lu's in the world so I read on and she mentioned Portland and banking and all these things then I saw she provided a link to this Luwanna blog. I read Luwannas blog and it was the Lu that I know. which lead to a "ms know it alls" blog, this was a more anonymous blog but I read as the blogs were interesting and funny. I finally realized this was one of my closest friend sin high school in fact she was a brides maid in my very 80's esque wedding...lol. I loved stumbling on all this. I learned the new life of my old friends. I learned that we are all still, bottom line, from St. Johns and that even if we live there or not we are from there and the majority of our memories were born there.

Being far from "home" and so very disconnected from my previous life, reading these blogs of my once high school pals is SO inviting. I have made new friends in my life but I have 1 tenth of the circle of friends now than I had in high school.

I miss you guys. I miss the silly uninhibited fun we had. I miss the stupid crap we did. I miss the fact that I went a seperate way than you guys did, that we didn't keep in touch. Maybe one day we can all get together and be silly and fun for a weekend or maybe do something more grown up and travel somewhere together.

Glad to hear you are well and healthy.

I'm lovin' it!!

Denver is growing on me.

D and I spent the day house hunting. HOW DRAINING!! Denver is SO expensive. We are looking in a neighborhood equivelant to lloyd district. Beautiful older renovated homes. BUT lloyd district the homes are HUGE here they are 1 bedroom 1/2 bathroom bungalows about 600 sqft!!?? WTF? How do I make that house a home for $450K?? UGH!! Now when D goes to work monday and I have the day off I will e looking at the more reasonable homes in Parker and highlands ranch areas which are equivalent to rock creek beaverton or the couv... I can buy a $300K house that has 5 rooms 3 bathrooms and a full basement...

Things seem to be meshing well and falling into place. So far 31 is feeling really positive, like I finally know who I am and which way I am going...

Im Lovin it.

I feel very content and sound. I miss people and things but I am calm and collected about it. no more panick.

Lately though I have been reflecting alot on my late teen years. What happened? I have wondered what happened to all the girls I ran around with and why I went the direction I did and so on.

Hmmm

Birthday Low down

OK so I am a big baby.

I had a very exceptional birthday this year. My co-workers bought me chocolate covered strawberries a caramel apple a bouquet of flowers and gave me $50 to spend on myself. Very thoughful!! I was suprised and appreciative.

D gave me (a week later) an I-Pod dock and a gift card(hasn't given to me yet) for he says Old Navy... No card. We are currently house hunting though. which I am considering part of my birthday present. hehe.

Mom gave me $50 and kids made me little goodies and gave HUGE hugs.

All in all I had a wonderful birthday.

Name that tune

I just spent the weekend at home in PDX. which in itself was great!!

But the tunes are changing... and I cant name them!!

I got in wednesday night after 1am stayed at my friends place. she drove me home where I got to see my dad laid up on his back for the last 4 weeks and for the next 8 weeks to come. He looked sad and of course bored to death. Then my aunts M and C show up at my parents house with McDonalds.. they are there chomping away on my dads favorite lunch of all time telling us how mom is in Oakland Ca in a hospital after she possibly had a heart attack... BY GOD what the hell is going on??? M says Kaiser is asking that one of her children fly down to be with her?? of course becca has time.. WAIT A MINUTE I just FLEW IN!! im not flying back out less than 12 hours after I got in.. I know it sounds crass but.. WHY cant BRENT do it?? So I call mom she says no one has to come they released her and she is on the next flight home!! PHEW!! Now back to why the chomp chomp sisters couldnt bother to call dad to see if he was hungry or wanted any food?? UGH!!! I was pissed!

To the tune of the ex spouse... everyday is a new day for him somedays he sings songs I can understand and appreciate and others its like METALLICA screaming bloody murder and mumbo jumbo I cant comprhend!! Today I pick up my kids at daycare, X is supposed to call because boog has a ball game... IM NOT ALLOWED at the x's house (I may destroy it) so he asks me to wait in St. Helens at a taco bell or something while he figures out if the game has been cancelled or not. Ok FINE!!!!!!!!!! game time is 5!! DICKHEAD didnt call. it is now 5:15 I tell emmy lead me to your dads house!! I get to his doorstep he walks out fat and happy, I asked about the game he says game is on.??????????UGH WTF!!!! I hate him I swear! we get to the game and his tune changes again... he is polite and talkative?? PISS THE HELL OFF!!!!!!! game over!! thats the name of my tune!!

D flies in friday disturbed that he is "wasting" his time off coming back home to portland for 2 weddings!! OK dont let me hurt you please!! You do not know what I am capable of!!! Anyhow we go to Kellies wedding. its beautiful and elegant and very McGarry!! D was floored not only has he not been to a wedding but has not even heard of weddings like the kind my family has! by midnight the party is just getting started, there was more beer than the T-Room... we go to wedding #2 it is short sweet and no booze no cake no nothing... poor D is no baffled, whats a wedding supposed to be like?? I explained to him over and over again that every wedding is different. Now for D's tune, he has been singing the praises of waiting and "figuring" out if we are right for forever commitments... Now the tune has changed! "he cant" be without me. "he loves" me more than anything. he wants this and that.. but there is no ring. D is not one for being the center of attention and doesnt like to be in crowds.. so we both agree that if and or when we get married we will have a wedding in Europe somewhere. very small. very intimate. very unlike my family...

I feel like I am in a state of confusion like organized confusion though...

I need to find time to write a positive blog!!!

List lover

I love'm.. I love lists, I have them everywhere. I dont know why because I never use them.. I always forget them.

So here is a list of things I love:
Oregon.
Family.
D and his family.
Desperate Housewives.
Oprah.
Dr. Phil.
Twix.
Odwalla berrier B Drink.
Purple, but I wouldnt wear it.
Biking.. mountain and road biking.
My kids names.. and of course my kids.
My birthdate.. not the celebration of the birthday but the date. weird I know.
love naming my animals human names like norman and ethel.
love the colors Brown and Blue together.
Clean lines and straight edges.
Scrapbooking.
Crafts.
Children.
Traveling.

I am so sure there is plenty more but...

Finger tingles

Im sure everyone reacts to trauma, scare, change, pain differently.

When I am any of the above my fingers and arms tingle. Kind of a painful tingle actually.

Emotion is so very difficult for me. I dont like to cry. I dont like to be loud. I dont like to yell or be yelled at. I DONT LIKE CHANGE. Somehow I didnt realize that my life is ALWAYS in constant change. Things seem to sneak up on me, it scares me. I dont like it when things change and I cant change it back and worse is when I have to accept the change that I didnt want or ask for it. I wasn't taught growing up to be lovey and huggy and kissy. I have learned more about that stuff in the last 7 years.

I have found that my lack of emotion has hurt many people. Hurt my marriage. Hurt my friends, family and suggested to outsiders that I dont care. I DO CARE! Im not mean, and I dont hurt people intentionally. But when it does happen I tend to get defensive instead of fishing in my overflowing bag of sorry words.

My being away from family and friends, rather isolated some 1500 miles away has forced me to acknowledge this flaw. Yet I still do it and KNOW it.

I am so extremely sensitive. I get the tingles alot lately. Every little thing hurts my feelings. I dont understand how I can feel the least bit sorry for myself. I havent lost a loved one, im not going through a divorce. My kids love me unconditionally as does my family. Every little thing makes me tingle, I will bawl at nothing. I read emails from my cousin telling me I need to come home, she misses me. I bawl. My best friend is going through a divorce 4 months after she has a baby. I bawl. Dad was in the hospital, he is ok and will be ok. but I bawl. My brother is rotting away in prison. I bawl every time I have to talk to him. I know some of these things.. alot of these concerns are "bawlable". I dont feel so strong anymore...

I was always thought of as so strong and outspoken, I can be. I dont know, but I dont think I want to be! I dont want to stick up for myself, I dont want to be a mean old spinster.

I hate when I feel like the bad days outweigh the good days. I know they dont but people notice the bad days like they are a disease...

Its just a bad day im not mentally diseased.

Picker no picking!!

EWWW!!

I totally understand nose picking... Sometimes it has to be done!! I know this!!

Why do men feel its OK to pick anytime anywhere to any depth?? UGH!!!

I have a busy job, I normally dont take time out of my busy little day to notice much of anything. I stay in my office for no less than 8.5 hours per day. I mean its truly rare that I leave my office. So I did today, the mood all around was rather light and cheery so I thought I had better go see what the buzz is all about... I trail through the office space smiling and being pleasant. I rather enjoyed myself after having an Un-Happy pity party for myself on behalf of my 31st. UNTIL... HE DID IT!!

I stopped in my tracks and stood there dumb founded!! I mean seriously who does that? in public not only really in public where you may never see these people again by there in our office space where SOMEONE IS TALKING TO HIM!!! UGHHHHH!! He was full on 2 knuckles up and talking eye to eye with a co-worker... UNBELIEVABLE!!! I had to be crass. I just had to. I stopped, I stared for a moment.

I asked "why?'
why what?
why would you blatently dig while talking?
because I need to
Do you think its gross? or unpleasant?
he says "It could be to pretentious people"
HA are you saying I am?
maybe..
well think again Diggin don


I know I know it was terribly rude of me, I just couldnt help it. I have been so non "NOPO" here I had to say something, and yes I suppose I could have been more professional and polite but it just wasn't in me today!!!

Boss man walks in shuts my door... I was bright red because I knew I may have embarrassed him at this point. IM SO kinda sorry..ish!!

Why did you have to say something to him?
Very sorry now. im not sure. by the time I was in that frame I couldn't hold back
I was so utterly grossed out I couldnt help it sorry.
Chuckles from Chuck McChuckles.... please in the future hold back..
Look im sorry please send a company wide memo explaining to people that along with deodorant, clean clothes and a hairbrush come NO PICKING in the office space!!
more chuckles from the mcchuckler.
Let me explain to you in Colorado its so dry here things get sticky so we have to picky...
Ok Listen chuckles I know this, I live here too. However if I feel a pick comin on I excuse myself to the restroom.


Happy Picking Diggin Don. I will be sure to pitch in my $5 for your birthday towards some kleenex and nasal spray!!

Un-Happy Birthday

I swear I hate my birthdays!! I love everyone elses but mine...UGH!! why?? I expect so much yet I expect so little.

On my 30th birthday last year I spent the day TOTALLY alone, NO ONE called, no cards no nothing I swear im not even exagerating.. D dropped me off at the airport that day, I sat at the airport from 10 am until my flight was supposed to leave at 3pm (I went early because D was my ride and he had a flight at 11:30) So at 2pm I go to the ticket counter to get my ticket and the man tells me I AM A DAY EARLY!!! WTF?? UGH why? why on my 30th of all days!! So I scramble around the airport trying to figure out how to get home early or go back to my little lonely apartment!! Early flight home $120.00 additional... Taxi back to apartment $50.00... Bek bawling At DIA for 2 hours pissed off for too many reasons PRICELESS!!

I am normally always very thoughful and generous with my family and friends. I never want anyone to be dissapointed so I try to do something I think is special. I make handmade gifts or buy something I know is really thoughtful. I like how it makes me feel to make others happy, suprised and thought of, becuase I know how it would make me feel.

On my birthdays I never expect this in return but I guess deep down hope for it. And when I dont get anything at all I feel let down. I just think my birthdays stink!!

At work, whenever it is someones birthday the crew sends around the manilla envelope with the card inside to sign asking for $5-10 (from 30-40 people let me mind you) so that the day of the birthday the birthday person gets a really nice gift and a baskin robbins ice cream cake.. No one has asked and I havent told anyone my birthday is coming up. I am secretly jealous? I dont know I HATE MY BIRTHDAY!!

D says he just isnt good with birthdays and holidays and its like pulling teeth to get him to even acknowledge these events. So I stopped reminding and dropping hints.

As long as my babies acknowledge it I am SO much happier. I always get handmade gifts from them that I will never throw away no matter how hideous they are!!

So Happy Crappy Birthday to me. LOL

PS I have been in bitch FEST mode lately!

Waitress at life's cafe

I have recently realized that everyday is a new day a new opportunity and new beginning. Quite amazing that at 30 years old this is news to me. Well its not really news I guess its more of a stark realization.

I have never been alone, I have never had to take care of just me. I never really wanted to. I have always had people around me.. ALWAYS.

In highschool I had an awesome circle of friends, I even had circles outside circles. I had siblings all around.. And I truly mean all around. I had family coming out of my ears. I was just never alone. I learned very young how to be dependent on others. Not in a bad way, I don't believe I ever took advantage of anyone, except maybe my parents.

I sat here Sunday Mothers Day. Alone, sadly alone. I am a mother and this is the first time I have haven't shared this "holiday" with someone, my children, my mother or sisters. I cried of course. Blamed everyone but me... It stunned me realizing that I CONTROL it! I decide I'm not waiting around the house for D to get home and entertain me. I don't need him or anyone with me to eat out. I CAN enter the library solo, they actually allow that.

Sunday was my day for personal liberation. I tied on my sandals.. Actually I slipped them on, cute new tevas.. Anyhow. I hopped on my bike rode to the library picked up 4 books. One about NYC as with or without D I am going to NYC in September so I want to have a plan'ish as to what I want to see and do. Another about 10-20 mile bike rides in and around Denver, great for me as I want to embrace the city the best I can since I'm here for now. Then I got NYC with kids, I want to take the kids to NYC next summer or this Christmas. And finally I got "mike, mike and me" a chick book, about a woman that let a guy go married another guy and the let go guy comes back. I left the library feeling like "wow that wasn't so bad, I can do that a lot" I cycled the 2 miles back home dropped my books off, took a deep breath and headed for Noodles and company. I pulled up to the front, locked up my bike, went inside and turned back out. WHOA I couldn't do it. I couldn't go in there!! Not knowing ALL these people knew I was solo. I purposely left my phone at home so I couldn't call an unknowing enabler!! Ok then I came to my senses and realized I would have looked way stupid had I turned around and left. I went in I ordered my meal, sat down and read my NYC book. I felt my face and neck getting hotter and brighter and anyone that knows me knows how noticeable it is. The waiter came by asked if I was waiting on someone he could hold my meal. Grrr NO I'm not! I'm practicing being self sufficient and comfortable with it! I ate, I left!! I DID IT!!

I am always waiting. Waiting for others or waiting for myself to be content with me.

I had a great day as it came to a close!!

Home FREE..

We are heading home for a 4 day weekend May 19th. I haven't been home since Christmas and even then I was only there for 1 day to get the kids and bring them back to Denver with me. I almost love the anxeity and stress brings to air travel... NOT!!

I am very lucky to get free air travel but there are pro's and con's to it.

The beauty of free air travel:
#1. Its free.
#2. I can go whenever I want.. not wherever but whenever wherever the airline flies (which includes vegas, portland and most of cali)
#3. Its still free.

What sucks about free travel:
#1 Its stand-by. A last minute paying traveller can bump me. An employee with more seniority than D can bump me.
#2 All the employees know your traveling "non-rev" so they are all mean and rude waiting for your reaction so they can deny you travel...MEAN.
#3 It sucks to get bumped when your so stoked to travel... for FREE!!
#4 It sucks to get bumped from the last flight of the night. you either sleep in an airport or find an affordable hotel..

I will not complain though, I can't afford to.

One thing I love is that this affords me more time with D. We dont travel alot together but will more now as time permits.