Finger tingles

Im sure everyone reacts to trauma, scare, change, pain differently.

When I am any of the above my fingers and arms tingle. Kind of a painful tingle actually.

Emotion is so very difficult for me. I dont like to cry. I dont like to be loud. I dont like to yell or be yelled at. I DONT LIKE CHANGE. Somehow I didnt realize that my life is ALWAYS in constant change. Things seem to sneak up on me, it scares me. I dont like it when things change and I cant change it back and worse is when I have to accept the change that I didnt want or ask for it. I wasn't taught growing up to be lovey and huggy and kissy. I have learned more about that stuff in the last 7 years.

I have found that my lack of emotion has hurt many people. Hurt my marriage. Hurt my friends, family and suggested to outsiders that I dont care. I DO CARE! Im not mean, and I dont hurt people intentionally. But when it does happen I tend to get defensive instead of fishing in my overflowing bag of sorry words.

My being away from family and friends, rather isolated some 1500 miles away has forced me to acknowledge this flaw. Yet I still do it and KNOW it.

I am so extremely sensitive. I get the tingles alot lately. Every little thing hurts my feelings. I dont understand how I can feel the least bit sorry for myself. I havent lost a loved one, im not going through a divorce. My kids love me unconditionally as does my family. Every little thing makes me tingle, I will bawl at nothing. I read emails from my cousin telling me I need to come home, she misses me. I bawl. My best friend is going through a divorce 4 months after she has a baby. I bawl. Dad was in the hospital, he is ok and will be ok. but I bawl. My brother is rotting away in prison. I bawl every time I have to talk to him. I know some of these things.. alot of these concerns are "bawlable". I dont feel so strong anymore...

I was always thought of as so strong and outspoken, I can be. I dont know, but I dont think I want to be! I dont want to stick up for myself, I dont want to be a mean old spinster.

I hate when I feel like the bad days outweigh the good days. I know they dont but people notice the bad days like they are a disease...

Its just a bad day im not mentally diseased.