Only the lonely

What the hell was I thinking?

I knew what I was getting into! I knew that coming out here would/could get lonely, Im not so much of a loner but I prefer smaller circles of friends. I have lived here a little over a year I haven't made any real significant friends to speak of.

I am having surgery, a pretty significant one and I pretty much have to go it alone. That hasn't ever been in my handbook of life, I have a big family and a decent circle of friends.

D and are at a crossroads and I am going at it alone, im not used to being alone. I have never been alone. Its a whole new world out here, not having my family scattered around various corners. Not being able to hop in my car, run to a girlfriends house and hang out.

This experience has been amazing for me, I have learned a certain independence and learned that I CAN do it. BUT DAMN cant I have SOMEONE??

What doesn't KILL me makes me stronger this I KNOW!!

Its Quiet time..

I hate it here!! I hate being in this place so far from home, I hate it when I need my "people" and no one can help no one can run over, everyone is a LONG distance call away. then I have to stop and look at the bigger picture, I am not STUCK here!. Today I haven't made the effort to make friends. I don't involve myself with work folks.. its usually best that way anyway.

Surgery... I am petrified. Its still a month away and I am a wreck, nervous, scared, sad and just generally being a big baby about it all. But come on.. Its not everyday people have surgery and most people have support when they do. Mom has to fly out and the boyfriend is rigid about Dr.s. I am really nervous..

I was told at work today or actually I over heard a few people say.. Shhh its rebeccas "quiet time" when I finally asked Linda explained to me that people notice when im sad sick or homesick, she says my neck, chest and face get really red and I LOOK quiet. So they have labeled it my quiet time. I didn't realize I was so transparent! I did notice that thankfully no one talks to me or asks me questions when its my quiet time, I kinda like it. I feel like shit though when I have bad days. I miss my girlfriends!!

Past continued...

That weekend dad I was excitied to meet was ICKY!! he smelled bad he owned nothing and didn't have a HOME much less a mansion with my own bedroom!! WHAT?? is this some sort of joke?? Nope it wasn't. The best part was I had a bunch of new siblings and all of them were pretty cool!! The 2 oldest are twins and they are 3 years older than I so I had a new brother and sister to hang with. The 3 young ones lived in SF and were plenty younger than I. I really took to them though, I was totally in love with the fact that I had younger siblings that weren't going to get in my way unless I wanted them to. The little blonde girl, she looked just like me, she was quiet and cute and had a FUNKY hair cut, I needed to fix her up good. The little blak haired girl was SO cute and talkative, but I couldn't figure out why ALL the other kids including me had blonde hair and she had black hair dark eyes but looked like us. The little boy didnt speak. he was really little like 3 or something, cute and quiet the way I liked it.

Thankfully the visit was over, I was excited and disappointed and I was also sad and torn up. I knew having this new family was strange, I didn't want them to go away, it was exciting. But I LOVE my parents and didn't want them to feel like I was going to choose the other people over them. I struggled with emotions for along time.

Why couldn't I have been a BOY!!

As I sit here at work all alone in a building that employs 300ish people. Not only am I working quietly and peacefully and getting alot done, I am wondering!! WONDERING, WONDERING about way too much!! Why didn't I go to college. Who would I be if I had. What has happened to all my high school friends. Did I do something or not do something to have lost touch with them. Will I have more children. Will D and I get married. What colors do I want this time around. Flowers.... what the... who cares.

Then my thoughts change so randomly, I sit here in my office with my Yahoo launchcast BLARING!! the song changes from Echo and the bunnymen where I am bobbing my head and really enjoying myself thinking I dont have it so bad afterall... To John Michael Montgomery singing a country song about love and life and OH MY GOODness its that friggen song that I had my "dance" with my ex husband at our wedding, so I go from bobbing that head to hanging the head with guilt and wonder about why and how and the song finally changes.

Why couldn't I just have been a BOY... I wouldn't wonder as much. I would have been a totally different person, I probably wouldn't care as much about the past as I do.

Ok so im not a boy I have to deal with it and learn to like it heh.. Thankfully I like to buy shoes and I enjoy getting dressed and what woman doesn't like shopping?? Yeah Maybe being a girl isn't so bad!! I just need to learn to move forward and let the past be the past!!!

Customer Shrmervice

Maybe I expect to much, I dont think I do. I have been in "Customer Service" for 13+ years I had always had CS jobs and 9 out of 10 times enjoyed it. I actually enjoy making someone smile or suprising them with GOOD customer service, it shouldn't be like that though. You should go to a store and know that your going to be treated like your a human. If I was rude to someone I would expect that yhey would be rude to me. If I am polite and courteous I expect that they would treat me likewise.. JERKOFF if you dont like your job give someone else a chance, quit and go work in a friggen factory!! I expect my children to ATLEAST be polite and well mannered in public. Of course I expect more of them than that, but their public appearance is extremly important to me. I expect my co workers to be courteous and helpful. I expect my boss to treat me as an equal and respect me. Ok all the blah blah is leading to an event I promise...

I had to have a talk today, I hate being the talker!! But how F'n clueless can one be? Beside the FACT that my day started very sad at 6AM!! I had to go to work sad and teary eyed the last thing I wanted to do was go to work early to have to deal with dipshit. "I got a letter from an attorney saying I didnt do something, but I did so I just threw it away" what??????? DUH, get it out of trash!! Ok why do I have to explain common sense, that is the most irritating thing to me! I had to explain to bonehead that you cant ignore a letter/request from an attorney without recourse. Shit can her is what I say.. Do I do her job and be proud that I resolved the issue and make a bad situation good or do I let dipshit handle it or not handle it in this case and allow her to seal her own fate??? Morally I couldnt let it get by me so I did both. I take care of the matter and I bring the situation to the boss mans attention! I hated doing that as im NOT a tattler. But MAN I AM tired of the clean up, I just want to go to work and do my job to the best of my abilities and go home at the end of my day with a clean conscience!!

lil past, lil present and a lil future..

My future is so Bright!!

Finally at 30. I have so much to look forward to, I was married so young. I had the big beatiful (I think) wedding of my 80's dreams. I had found the perfect person, He was going to be a great dad and better husband, take care of his family and kids!! He was going to fit in with all my friends and relatives!! He was just going to be perfect. Problem was I just met him and we weren't in love yet!! I know, How stupid can that be. But I was 19 I knew what I wanted and how to get it and thats all that mattered to me at the time. Well it lasted 9+ years, and as quickly as it began it ended. I woke up one morning and I was done, I wanted no part of the turnoil anymore, I wanted no part of the unhealthy unhappy life we had lived for 9 years. I realized I didn't have to be his wife to be their mother, I didn't have to be married and feel safe and have a double income to be happy. So I left.

I met someone that has alot in common with me. then I met someone I had fun with. Wait then there was someone that I was TOTALLY attracted to and he was attracted to me!! OH MY GOODNESS had I known then that I could have this much fun I wouldn't have gotten married. The reality set in and my classes were suffering and I realized im not 19 again I need to act like an adult because I am one. All the dust settled and I met someone with all the qualities I mentioned above. I was instantly inspired to be who I was always affraid to be. ME!! I'm not a junk food junkie, I'm not lazy, I can't cook but I will try, I don't want to live in Portland my whole life. I'm not embarrassed to try!!

So I worked hard and achieved most of the things I tried, I can cook pretty good now, I lost 70+ pounds, I moved away from home and I am HAPPY!! I respect my boyfriend and I genuinly love him for who he is and who he is to me and others. We set goals together and acheive them together, we conspire to do things and do them right. He shows me things I have never seen takes me to places I have never been and says things I have never heard. I teach him things he has never been taught, he experiences things he hasn't experienced before. We argue and disagree but never say a negative word out of anger or lack of words to say. I know with or without him my future is much better that it ever could have been in that lost marriage.

PRESENT!!!

I have never understood where people get off commenting on other peoples children. Wait let me rephrase that!! I never understood why people feel like they can make a comment about my mothering ability right in front of me!!! ARGH!! I can guarantee I am not SUPER mom but I am a damn good mom and I my kids don't run the show I DO!! I took my 7 year old to Blockbuster to pick out an over priced but make him happy DVD!! He flips through about 10 movies and says "Nah" to all of them, Mommy makes a PRIVATE joke to her son and says "fine, would you like this movie (SAW)?" this ignorant woman from the nearby Volvo soccer mom club says "WHAT? I cant believe you would subject your innocent child watch such garbage!!" anyone who knows me A. Knows I would not let my child watch "such garbage". B. Knows I am full of funnies and C. Knows I have a potty mouth when NEED be. Therefore watch out Mrs. Stay at home mom president of the PTA, Volvo toting, no no I will make all the cupcakes for susies frickin birthday party... She proceeded to tell me how awful it is in today's society that "young" mothers like myself are allowed to have children and not take care of them and let these kids run a muck in our neighbor hoods and do whatever they want. That I should be ashamed of myself for suggesting such a flick for my young boy. I SWEAR if my child wasn't there I would have cleaned the bitches clock!!! I refrained and politely annoyingly said "First off I am not a young unwed trailer trash welfare mother like you think, My child isn't unkempt, he isn't wiping his runny nose on the shirt he has worn for 4 days. He has health insurance from 2 parents and he has never in his entire 7 years watched a like movie in my presence nor would he. In fact my son at 7 has never farted without saying excuse me or so much as mummbled a curse word. I suggest you mind your own damned business and untighten that grip you think you have. My children are both extremely well behaved, happy, healthy and loved. You chose the wrong woman to damn at the F'n movie store!" As my rebellious 7 year old and I left the movie store Mrs. Snooty pants crawled her fat ass into guess what her 2005 overpriced Volvo cross country and started crying to her unhappy spouse how mean I was to her in the store! "Bill" turned to me smiled, gave a thumbs up and winked! Like Mrs. snooty pants I am tired of seeing kids around that are "running a muck" doing what they want and causing trouble. But unless I or my children are directly affected I would never turn to some woman I don't know and make accusations that she is a poor mother. I dare another woman to make a comment to me again, she will get an ear full!! I believe there is an old saying fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me... Well I say... Accuse me once shame on you accuse me twice you better watch out and accuse me a third time I will kick your ass, go home and wonder if I really am doing something wrong!! I left the movie store went to the local "Whole Paycheck" grocery store better known as Whole foods so I could get my groceries for the night. Guess who was there, she scurried her self and her family on by me and my crazy little runt who says mommy isn't that the lady that was mean to you at the movie store? I said she wasn't mean honey she was just ignorant and now she is embarrassed because she thought I was something im not, but that's ok sweetheart if you want to bite her ankles and stick your tongue out go ahead.. He looked at me with his biggest eyes and said "NO WAY"!!

You mind yours and I will mind mine!

Past...

At 30 I have a PAST some fun, some hard, some easy, some questionable decisions and you get the picture so I will start my rambling..

I grew up in a house of 6 most of the time, sometimes more and alot more then that. For the most part a great life.. We were fed, happy, healthy, loved and given opportunities. I spent years and years of my life playing ball, practicing, trying, participating, wining and losing. my first 10 years were full of family and events pretty normal not much drama to speak of. Then life started changing out of the blue.. daddy isnt really my father, me being the little investigator snoop found a phone number in moms phone book that said San Francisco I was fascinated that this person didn't live in Portland, who doesn't live in Portland that we know?? Can you imagine!! So I asked mom, who is DP? I got the whole snoopy little kid speech.. about a year later mom picks me up at a friends house unannounced.. I knew something was up, she would never interrupt like that. This is when she asked me if I wanted to meet DP? I say Sure why? DP is your Father he has only seen you once and he would like to meet you if you want to. Along with meeting him you have a total of 5 siblings via DP. Imagine my suprise, I was stoked at the time. I have a "Father" the rich kind, I get to go to his house.. correction Mansion every other weekend where I have my own palace-esque room with a closet full of ESPRIT, GUESS, GENNERA all the clothes that are ok well.. were a dream come true for a preteen in the mid 80's. Meet my siblings that I have everything in common with. Ok so it was the day, the day is here I am meeting awesome weekend dad that will give me everything I ever wanted.... INSERT FAMILIAR WHEELS COMING TO A SCREECHING HALT SOUND....HERE!!!