Travel bug

For the last 6 weeks I have been on the go constantly...

3 years of dating an airline pilot is coming to end I better get my travels in check... for the last 2 years he has ALWAYS said NO... no you cant meet me in my overnight city. No you dont want to go to Austin there isnt anything to see and it will waste a pass. No I wont be in that town long enough for us to do anything.. no no no no... Well finally No has been scrubbed off and rewritten to mean SURE, WHY NOT, PLEASE DO, HOW ABOUT IT? Yeah.. So I have been to Vail, Co quite sleepy little ski resort home of that Trista and Ryan pair.. we even watched Ryan in action all dolled up in his firefighter digs, I dont know who was more jazzed me or D. Then there was Aspen, Co again another ski resort however this one isnt sleepy and there is enough to do when the snow is absent. Beautiful, clean friendly..ish, rather hirtoric, great streams and awesome walking paths, but MIGHTY expensive nothing under a mil for real estate. Gunnison, Co not much to say about it. kinda like pendelton not much to do there isnt a vacation town just a college town. Crestted Butte, Co was beautiful and boring. Circled Phoenix, Az a few times didnt do anything special I just like Ikea.. Miss know it all is always out of town... Then Vegas, just went for the day. Chicago, Il was last week and I loved it... Loved it!! It seems to be a great mix between Portland and New York, alot of culture and history there. All the people were friendly even on the L. The shopping district called the Magnificent mile was GREAT!! The biggest Old Navy I have ever seen, Then there ae these parts of Chicago that are new and interesting like the Millenium park... My feet hurt though.

Well folks my final trip before I return to the city of roses is an 8 day to NYC, 3 days in Woodstock with Uncle Butch then 5 days in the city for more foot pounding, picture taking and crying about prices.

Oh and I was just home in PDX for the weekend with the kids and a little job hunting.. Sucks.

The dust has settled but the air is merky...

I wrote this on July 17th... I never posted it because I thought maybe I was being silly or D's family was just being maybe a little negative... I should have learned by now that instincts should always be followed...

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I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the last couple of weeks..

So NO house. Fine. I understand your concerns and respect your decision. I dont have to like or agree with it but as your partner I respect it.

The constant confusion is so very difficult. I am very organized and methodical, I just dont work well under this kind of situation.

I talked to D's mom last night as I often do. We catch up and keep each other updated on the happenings of everything. She often provides me with personal advice and suggestions which I listen to and apply accordingly. Last night she ended our conversation with "I dont want you to get too comfortable, I just dont think he will ever see the forest through the trees" essentially she is saying push up your cuffs, tighten your laces and get ready to hike out... This is not the first time she has mentioned she believes D will never marry.. She goes on to explain that I shouldnt be giving him so much for fear I will get nothing in return. Who wants to hear this from their boyfriends mother?

I get off the phone, I call him. Told him what she said and asked him to validate her statement. He of course says totally invalid and that I shouldnt listen to her. WHAT??

I find it difficult to understand, how she can say these things about him not really knowing much about him and our life together. Then I find it difficult to understand how she couldnt know certain things about him and his personality.

It would be totally unfair of me expect more from him if I take her advice and stop buying D stock. I give what I hope for, I give 100% because I hope for 100%. Of course there is a breaking point in every relationship.

His family doesn't see us together, they never witness the loving part of us. They also have known him WAY longer than I have. His family loves me and my kids, They however dont believe in D's decision making ability unless it comes to his career. The cautions and red flags they throw out to me are becoming increasingly difficult to ignore...

Super sucks!!

Every day is a new day agreed.

However, everyday isnt a good day. I woke this morning, alone in a house that I made a home. I looked around and in one of my tizzies I had packed everything that belongs to me, pictures, clothes, crafts, DVD's , CD's its all in boxes waiting patiently for our trip home. I was so sad, I felt like I was totally alone.

Sitting here looking at the entanglement of our lives is GUT wrenching, after what I went through with big M how could I allow myself to become so entwined? I just feel like I have to walk away, leave the petty stuff behind, like kitchen stuff and printer paper and blankets and everything that means NOTHING to me.

He and I are being good to each other, there isnt any anomosity its just hurt feelings and sadness for both of us. I love him and I cant turn that off like a switch, and he says the same. He just says he isnt ready to settle down tie the knot and be a family. He would like me to stay in Denver get a place of my own and just see... NO NO NO NO. I have been here 2 years, I have given nearly 3 years of my undivided love attention and support to someone that "isnt sure". ITS TIME FOR ME TO CRAWL BACK TO THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE ME AND STAND UP FOR MYSELF!! I honestly was suprised by the whole thing. I was sure that I would get a proposal by the end of the year, I just KNEW he was the one, He was my best friend after all!! Just like any wound this one will heal.

I want so badly to be angry at him. I feel very taken, violated if you will. I feel like he has known and didnt tell me for some time. My mind is swarming with wonders and whys and so many things I cant control.

If I could walk away and never look back, I would. But im sentimental. everything means something to me. I hold onto everything, for the littlest reason sometimes?!

AND I HATE JOB HUNTING!! Damn him!! lol

I love you Doug. Sorry. This sucks. I hope you look forward to your future as much as I look forward to mine. If you love me las much as you say you do.. you know where to find me, I will never leave again.

31 going on 13

I dont know whats going to hurt more..

Moving BACK to moms house?
Starting ALL over?
Driving 24 hours to get to Portland to be at moms, jobless, starting over, getting over D.
Mending the hurt feelings I have caused.

I know whats going to be the best part..

Baseball games.
Soccer games.
Plays.
Starting over.
Making personalized valentines for the kids classmates.
5th grade
2nd grade
PCC, Radiology 101!!!!!!!!!!

Starting over seems very exciting yet very annoying. I get to buy all new things, that belong to ME, I get to choose the colors and size and where to buy it. I get to decorate and arrange and rearrange when I want and how I want. I can come and go as I please. The possibilities are ENDLESS! Annoying.. I have to start all over, What happened to my T-Fal? my silverware? I already bought this and that.. its all gone. I have to sleep alone now, I have no one to cuddle with and watch TV or read or take a nap... And what about that SEX stuff... UGH.

Its all good, I am looking forward to so much back home that the annoying stuff probably wont even be thought about. Lets hope.

My broken heart will mend over time!!

Lyrically challenged.. im not!

Vocally challenged ... I am.

I am the grand master of lyrics. Well actually of changing up the lyrics to FIT my MOOD!!

For example if I feel like being a ROYAL bitch, and over the top sarcastic I change the lyrics to add obsurd sarcasm regarding real life issues I feel I am having and of course my FAVORITE curse word F*U*C*K..

One "GOOD" day, (few and far between it seems) D and I were driving from Portland to Phoenix, a Jewell song came on.. (D and I aren't particularly fond of her but I was so in the spirited "I love you so much, I cant stand you" time of the month) I changed the lyrics up as the song played, and really cracked myself up.. it was actually funny...

I hear the cars, it's 6 A.M.,
I feel so far away from Bend.
I got my knees up in my face.
Got my blankie, ev'rything but you.
I break wind and make a smiley face,I kinda like it in this little space.
Wipe the dust up off the dashboard,remembered I left my keys in the door.
I never put my garbage on the floor anymore, 'cause

(Chorus)Memories last so long,Even after you're gone.
I know, that you love me And soon you will see
You were meant for me,And I was meant for you.

I called the dahli lama, he was out on a rock.
Consoled an old girlfriend, but she just wanted to shop.
So I picked up a people, it was more bad news.
Bennifers hearts been broken and he feels used.
Put on my boots in the pouring rain.
I saw you staring, it put me to shame.

'Cause it was rude so I was sad
And it made me wanna punch you, oh, so bad.

(Chorus)

Go about my wondering, I'm going blind.
Besides, a-what would I say if I had the time?
Same old story everyday.
I brush my locks and leave my hair in the sick.
I know you hate it when I sleep with my socks on.
I picked up a maxim turned lights down, I took a deep breath and a good look through your phone.
Put on my pj's and hopped on the bed.
I'm 29, but I feel mostly dead.

I try and tell myself it'll be all right,I just shouldn't think about you anymore tonight.
(Chorus)
Yeah, you were meant for me And I was meant for you.

I have SO many of these little ditties, I will share more in the future!!

Road home is straight and narrow...

So I am going home... Portland.

Denver, I dont love it. I dont hate it. Its just not home.

Its time, I dont want to be in Denver anymore. I have never fully adjusted to the point of feeling like this is home.

The only thing in Denver for me was D... And if D loves me like he says he does then D can come home too.

I came to Denver 12/2003 because I needed out, just out of a 9 year marriage that started fresh out of high school I hadn't grown up. Ive lived suburbia, I owned the house and cars and had the 2.5 children but it all happened so fast by the time I stopped spinning I didn't know who I was. I had an opportunity that allowed me to remain connected to my life in PDX. I had it all planned out. D took the job in Denver, I was only going to come out for 6-9 months. I came out and returned to PDX May of 04 stayed until August 04 couldnt find work in PDX so I came back to Denver where I had a job and didnt have to live with my parents.

Quickly and surely the webs were being woven and our lives were entangled. Whats his was mine and whats mine was his, purchases became joint decisions and we carried on like married folk. The house deal was dropped. I felt very betrayed and for some strange reason like my future wasn't as concrete as I thought.

D and I parting ways. He feels as though he needs to experience more and make a few mistakes in life before he settles down. In short, D has grown weary of our "playing house". He isnt ready to settle down become a father or step father, he isnt ready for "big boy" responsibilities, he owns EVERYTHING he has, holds absolutly ZERO debt and is only "33". I cant blame him. it hurts in SO many ways but I cant dwell on things I cant change, and I REFUSE to try to change something just so it suits me.

This has been a bigger struggle for me than I thought. I am losing My home, My best friend, my boyfriend, my confidant and a piece of my heart. Not to mention possesions, momentos, memories... I am leaving here with the clothes on my back, my car and my pride that I gave this relationship everything I had.

I am SO looking forward to going home. It will be hard for a while im sure. But there is more good than bad atthis point. It stinks that I cant be 100% independent immediatly but one thing at a time is good enough for me.

So the road home is straight and narrow.

Where I at??

I wrapped up my last day at work on Sept. 2nd.

I finished Whores on the hill kindly recommened by lipgloss. Fun reading Thank You!

I have been on the injured list after D "lovingly pushed the envelope... He badgered me into going out for an after dark bike ride and I BIT IT!! All bad! Ouch!

I have been packing and prepping for my long drive home.

I bought a new car!!! One I love!! Crying about gas prices and being thankful I dont have to drive to work anymore but forgetting that I have to drive to Portland soon.

I have been planning my vacation to NY and semi planning our mid week jaunt to Chicago.. What an ASS pain!!

I haven't blogged because I truly have nothing inspiring or really much good to say except I am going home...

I will write more about the decision to go home later!