Super sucks!!
Every day is a new day agreed.
However, everyday isnt a good day. I woke this morning, alone in a house that I made a home. I looked around and in one of my tizzies I had packed everything that belongs to me, pictures, clothes, crafts, DVD's , CD's its all in boxes waiting patiently for our trip home. I was so sad, I felt like I was totally alone.
Sitting here looking at the entanglement of our lives is GUT wrenching, after what I went through with big M how could I allow myself to become so entwined? I just feel like I have to walk away, leave the petty stuff behind, like kitchen stuff and printer paper and blankets and everything that means NOTHING to me.
He and I are being good to each other, there isnt any anomosity its just hurt feelings and sadness for both of us. I love him and I cant turn that off like a switch, and he says the same. He just says he isnt ready to settle down tie the knot and be a family. He would like me to stay in Denver get a place of my own and just see... NO NO NO NO. I have been here 2 years, I have given nearly 3 years of my undivided love attention and support to someone that "isnt sure". ITS TIME FOR ME TO CRAWL BACK TO THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE ME AND STAND UP FOR MYSELF!! I honestly was suprised by the whole thing. I was sure that I would get a proposal by the end of the year, I just KNEW he was the one, He was my best friend after all!! Just like any wound this one will heal.
I want so badly to be angry at him. I feel very taken, violated if you will. I feel like he has known and didnt tell me for some time. My mind is swarming with wonders and whys and so many things I cant control.
If I could walk away and never look back, I would. But im sentimental. everything means something to me. I hold onto everything, for the littlest reason sometimes?!
AND I HATE JOB HUNTING!! Damn him!! lol
I love you Doug. Sorry. This sucks. I hope you look forward to your future as much as I look forward to mine. If you love me las much as you say you do.. you know where to find me, I will never leave again.
posted by McRebeck @ 11:56 PM
2 Comments
2 Comments:
In matters of the heart, there is rarely an empirical "why". It is not that simple, it's not a recipe....like why did my cake fall...if it were, then we'd all be perfect. If you could idenitfy the problem and just fix it.
My thought is don't bog yourself down trying to figure it out. Just move on. question what parts of you that you feel unhappy about, and when you meet another, hopefully they won't bring that side out. Maybe it will be Doug, but later.
Blaming is negative and not healing. Anger is expected. I think that if you have peace about this, you will feel better A LOT quicker!
I am impressed by how strong you're being and just LEAVING. That's so admirable. I wish I could be that strong about things. I know it's horrible and awful and HARD. I would rather go thru any physical pain than feel heart break. it's the most horribel feeling in the world...
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