Im only 30 and my baby is 10

OK... So my 31st birthday is coming. hmm... I dont care!!!

More importantly I will have a 10 year old daughter in 2 days!! what?? how did that happen? yeah well she will be 10. I still know the details too!! I had her at Bess Kaiser in Portland, Or at 3:10pm after 3 hours of pushing and 7 hours of labor before that!! and the WORST part was that "monster-in-law" rocking in the chair at the delivery end of my gurney!! UGH!!! I love you emmy no matter who was at the foot of our bed. Your silvery blonde hair and the cutest swirly cowlick at your hairline. Perfect round face and cute little nose! You're a keeper!!

You are unbelievably sweet. So caring and sensitive. Smart as a whip and witty somehow. must be me!! I love your affinity for music, I hope you follow your dreams and look forward to your future. I want to provide you with any oppotunity I can. Especially if it helps you achieve your goals. Accept your education, take all they give you and ask for more. Its yours, you deserve it.

D and I hope that you LOVE LOVE LOVE your IPod. I wish I could put a special mommy touch to it but I can't. I can put my special mommy touch you though. We have it all loaded up and ready to go for you to sing your heart out!!

Happy Birthday Sweet Pea

Wait.. stay a little longer

The surgery came and went by quickly. Thankfully it all went as planned and I am recovering nicely. I hope. But everyone is gone now. Mom and aunt dawn went home. D went back to work and I am home, solo. Some good days some bad days. The headaches are strange they seem to pop up and throb until I am SURE my head will pop off, then they are gone just like that. Hmm maybe thats the codeine I was perscribed and laready refilled after only 4 days. HAHA.

I liked having guests here, I liked that they saw me as an adult caring (mostly) for myself. Strange coming from a woman that gave birth to 2 children and was married for nearly 10 years. But I am on my OWN here, D isnt home often enough for me to say I take care of him. And the kids arent here often enough for me to say I take care of them either. Maybe I liked the fact that I didnt have to entertain them? Well I guess I did being that moms biggest thrill in life is caring for others. Anyhow

I am in my 5th day of recovery, I am doing good and thankful that my mountain of anxiety turned out to be a mole hill of pain. My head and face swelled like a circus side show freak but I was in the comforts of my own home. My hair was matted up real good and gross until my sweet and by the book boyfriend helped me wash it in the kitchen sink!! should got pics!! LOL

Anyhow, Its all over now. If I didnt make any sense in this post please accept my apologies im still cracked out on codeine!!

Nancy is coming to town

Twas the saturday before surgery and all through my house, I have cleaned everything inside this damned house.

This little miss muffett hasn't been sitting on her tuffett. I have been mopping and dusting and bleaching from floor to ceiling.

For anyone blessed enough to know Nancy knows she has a "spirit" about her. I love my mom so much but I have learned to love her more from further away. Now after 30 years of me always being in her home abiding"ish" by her rules and eating her food and so on.. she is coming to my home. She will be eating my foods and sleeping in my bed and will see how I live. She will be the first to tell you I am unkempt and live like a 10 year old with no cares in the world.

I know I just got down saying I have cleaned from floor to ceiling but, I always do. I love nothing more than for my home to be spotless. Just dont look in my bedroom!! I have a weird obsession with my kitchen, I seriously get anxious and upset when I come home and the kitchen is even remotely messy... UGH!! I can't wait for mom to see that I am very clean and organized.

I am secretly excited though. now she has to eat my meals and abide by MY rules... hehe. yah right. I just told her no men after 7pm... hahaha.

This will be great, having mom and aunt Dawn here to take care of me while I recover, and to just see familiar faces on my turf is great in itself.

I didn't get it

I didn't!!!

I didn't get it, that I needed to take care of my body. I was clueless until I was 24. I had babies and the "stuff" didn't go back to where it was before.... WHAT?? Oh my!! I doubled my size nearly in 6 years.. it was quite gross actually. It almost seemed to late once I realized it. I turned 28 and was begining a long divorce process and my body said it was ready now.. I think it was more affraid of having to meet a new man someday...lol. So anyhow, I finally got it!! I am in control of MOST of my body, I have big bones and can accept the fact that I wont ever be 123 pounds. But I started losing weight and it seemed to fall off with every blink!! I lost 80 pounds!! I did it, rather effortlessly. I was healthier, lived healthier loved my new me... was excited about me and had fun with me and met someone who dug me too. Ahh life is grand... wait what happened?? I got down to a decent weight but still had another 20-30 to go before I was "attractive" to men I was attracted to... why am I looking for attractive men when I just mentioned a great guy you ask?? yeah well, I think we all secretly, some not so secretly, enjoy the attention and take pride in the fact that someone is attracted and besides I hadn't had "attention" in years. For gods sake I was literally a piggy. Anyhow I hit that ever so seemingly endless plateau.. I would be happy with losing about 1-15 more right now...

I joined the gym, I did it, I pay for it.. I AM GOING come hell or high water!! I love my cycling class 2 nights a week and I love my 6am pilates classes 2x a week.. its the butt crack of dawn but I drag in there telling myself the whole 4 miles that ITS GOOD FOR YOU, ITS GOOD FOR YOUR SEX LIFE...hehe. ITS ONLY 2 DAYS A WEEK!!

I have set reasonable goals. But one "goal" I have is more like a personal promise. As I have mentioned I think in every post I AM 30! I have vowed that I WILL NOT have any more children after 34!! On my 35th birthday I WILL have my tubes tied and a TUMMY TUCK!!! I will have had my babies, I have worked hard this last 2 years on taking weight off this is my treat for me!! I chose this over a VOLVO!!! lol. And besides I can't seem to shake that baby baring belly, So like a cancerous growth I REMOVE IT!!!

I finally know now what I didn't know then and I am grateful that I am young enough to use it, change it, fix it and LOVE it!!

Here there and everywhere..

Doug and I want to take Brayden on a 3-4 day backpacking trip.. Doug and I back packed the Juan De Fuca marine trail last summer it was a total of about 14 miles, our packs were 40+ pounds. It was the MOST adventurous and strenuous thing I have ever done. I LOVED IT!! No cell phones, no ever so important laptops, no music (kinda sucked) and pure OUTPUT!! we hiked and hiked and HIKED!! I thought for sure I wasn't going to come away from this alive let alone loving it. I DID IT! Not only was I proud of MYSELF I was proud that I kept up with his skronny butt!! The experience brought us closer, made us more aware of each other and bound that memory in us forever. My youngest is my rocket!! He lives to climb, jump, run and anything that involves super hero manuevers.. His shoes make him fast!! So Doug and I decided we want to take Brayden on a 3-4 day backpack trip, Hike in stay a night or 2, raft, light rock climbing, rock hopping just plain ole adventurous fun. I am so excited, I bought him a backpacking pack, GOOD hiking boots, an awesome cap and a set of walkie talkies.

On to Emmys trip, When she spends her 6 weeks with Doug and I in Colorado I intend on taking her to a BIG city like DC or Chicago or NYC. She is my prissy girl. She wants to shop and TALK and talk and TALK... she is a visual creature.. she could probably go forever without climbing anything but into bed. So I thought taking her to see places she hasn't been and having big stories to take back to school in the fall would do her GREAT! I want my kids to experience things young and have these memories I dont have. I want them to experience culture and society in different elements, I want boog to do activities that make him happy and utilize his energy. I want emmy to have memories of good times and ways to express her creativity.

I get excited thinking about the stories they get to share and memories they get to make with me. I love that I can do this for them now.

In turning 30 and all the wild thoughts that have been probing my already sensitive brain... I realized in the last 2 years I have experienced more with Doug than I have in 30 YEARS!! I grew up athletic, playing ball, fighting brothers and roaming with my friends. Lets not forget the ever so memorable teenage drinking parties!!! I never experienced life outside of St. Johns... who woulda thunk there was a life out there.... What the hell was I thinking getting married at 20??? I guess I did it backwards huh... I got married bought houses, nice cars, kids the whole thing...AT 20 and when it all ended I was left with me and my kids. No real experiences to speak of the occassional trip with Marie and Megan, whidbey island, seaside, 21st birthday in Vegas with girlfriends but no REAL experiences.. I missed it all!!

Well i'm 30 now, I have every opportunity to do the things I grew up not knowing I wanted to do. I have some flying benefits, I have some time, little extra fundage these days and the knowledge. My next trip is to Woodstock to see my uncle and buffalo to see my sisters. I am hoping to get a few friends together for a Vegas weekend.. I even have a proposition for y'all.. In 2006 I WILL either go on a cruise or to Ireland.

Oh what a ....week

I thankfully was SO busy all week.

I have had a rough couple of weeks, I can't stand confusion. I am rarely confused for to long. When I don't understand something, I figure it out. When I can't figure something out I get rather disturbed until I can figure it out. I have come to the conclusion that I can't figure this one out, and I have to move on that way. More details another time

I lost an employee this week. She had to be let go, unexpectedly. That only left me with TONS of work and TONS of clean up. I feel alot pressure now especially since I go on medical leave in less than 2 weeks, I have to train someone to not only do my job but her job too... ARGHHHH why now. When it rains it ABSOLUTLY pours.

I can do it though!! I know I can!! I know when I complete these tasks I will be just fine!!

So the last week in a nutshell was hell... As I mentioned I was in an utter state of sad confusion in my relationship which caused me so much pain!!! Then to have SO much dumped on me at work really weighed me down. The nerves and anticipation of my upcoming surgery... It all made for a TOUGH week...

Its saturday and I made it!!! Tomorrow is a new day.. today it was a beautiful 66 degrees and tomorrow is supposed to bring 1-2 feet of snow!! WACKY!!