Home isn't where my heart is.

I love Portland. I love fall time in Portland. I love my family in Portland. I love the familiarity of Portland.

I have been home now for about 10 days. I feel very lost and intimidated. My heart isn't here anymore.

I was only in town 13 hours when I got a phone call from and old high school friend, she said HEY I heard you were back. I saw so and so who was told by someone that you were back, funny how she knew right where to get me. Funny how you go to freedys and your spotted at a distance and your phone starts to ring.... UGH!!!

I have felt an ENORMOUS amount of courage and strength to stand up and say "Its my life, deal with it" I had a conversation with A mom not my own (she knows better) yesterday. This mom always has alot of advise and comments for me. I finally felt strong enough to speak up, so this is in a nutshell is what went down.

Mom: Well I am glad you are back and I hope your life starts looking up.

Me: My life wasn't down until the rug was jerked out from under me 2 monthes ago. I was in a perfectly happy place and doing quite well in my job and happy with my arrangements with my kids, buying a house talking about commitments.

Mom: Well it seems as though that changed and now you need to do whats best for your kids and stop thinking about yourself.

Me: WHOA!! I am tired of people making the assumption that I am being selfish by the decisions I have made. Has anyone besides myself and D and Mike spent any and I mean ANY significant time with my kids?? to know how they feel about our arrangements?

Mom: Well No, I haven't, but I know as a mother I could NEVER leave my kids.

Me: I haven't "LEFT" my kids. I see them on a very regular basis. My kids are happy, healthy, STABLE and very loved. THATS whats important. Just because I am a mother doesnt mean I have to compete to be the worlds best SOCCER mom, my kids are very aware that I love them, they are very aware that they are safe, sound, fed, clothed and stable. They have experienced more in the last 2 years than most kids have by the time they are 21 years of age. I am grateful for the opportunities D and I have brought them.

Mom: Well I guess I understand better what you are thinking.

Me: I love my kids, they love me. I refuse to compromise their stability to make MYSELF happy by fighting for full custody of them, just so I can look like a GREAT mom. I may not be a GREAT mom but I am a good mom. Some say I shouldn't have had kids then, well I have them and I cant and dont want to change that so I DEAL by loving them and making sure they are STABLE. I would much rather they live in a new house in a good neighborhood and go to school at the same school everyday than to be renting what I can afford and risking moving and forcing them to change schools.

I upset the mom and I felt bad for that, but I wont be chastized any longer for my decisions. I admit I dont always make the right decisions but the bottom line is this decision worked for me and my kids.

Its raining, its pouring

Im certainly not snoring!! I have never had SO MANY interviews in my LIFE!! And whats worse?? Im not getting any call backs!! How discouraging and disappointing!

By the way this a picture of raindrops sitting on my sunroof!!

I should have kept my job in Denver and toughed out the relationship issue...

October 9th

Well I was supposed to start driving back to Portland today, as you can see (only an hour into the storm) I wont be going anywhere just yet.

Ahhh, Portland.

little worm in the Big Apple

Sorry New Yorkers.. But I hated it.

We flew into LaGuardia airport, the intense feeling of HURRY set in ASAP!! we figured out how to get to Grand Central quickly.. we were scurried on to a "luxury" bus and carted off to GC. We ran in hoping to catch a train to Poukeepsie to meet my Uncle, but they were filming a Lamborghini commercial and forcd all 2 million subway riders to file through a small path.. WHAT THE FCUK?? Its rush hour shoot your damn commercial at 3am JERK OFF!! (I learned that phrase quickly).

We got our train, rode right along the Hudson river it was beautiful rivaling the some parts of the Columbia river back home, we even enjoyed a sunset together while we pretensiously ate sun dried tomatos, with brie on water crackers... ride lasted an hour and 30 min. Uncle Butch was there waiting with open arms, very comforting. We drove another hour to Woodstock finally getting there at about 9pm.

Woodstock is a very eclectic and interesting town not to mention beautiful. It was very relaxing and quiet we loved it.

After a few days in WS we set back out to NYC this time with my uncle, he wanted to join us for a few hours in the city. After realizing that our hotel wasn't "15 minutes" away I became the worlds biggest BITCH!! UGH I was pissed that now we had to find our hotel in North bergen NJ instead of spending time with my uncle.

So anyhow we saw it all!! Times square, canal street, shopping district, bronx, lady liberty, chelsea area, we saw the letterman show, rockefeller center everything and 98% of it on foot.

While we were there NYC was having the bomb scares on the subways which made life above ground ALOT more hectic. On our final day there we hoped the subway to get back to the airport and LOW AND BEHOLD we were greeted at the Queens station by a screaming officer "BOMB GET OFF THE TRAIN AND OUT OF THE SUBWAY NOW" they shut the train and the town DOWN and it was DUMPING about an inch of rain every 1/2 hour!! IT SUPER SUCKED!! We finally reached the airport with about 10 minutes to spare, oh and the gate we were departing from had a hole in the ceiling that was dumping a waterfall!! HAHAHA

NYC is for me.