Home isn't where my heart is.

I love Portland. I love fall time in Portland. I love my family in Portland. I love the familiarity of Portland.

I have been home now for about 10 days. I feel very lost and intimidated. My heart isn't here anymore.

I was only in town 13 hours when I got a phone call from and old high school friend, she said HEY I heard you were back. I saw so and so who was told by someone that you were back, funny how she knew right where to get me. Funny how you go to freedys and your spotted at a distance and your phone starts to ring.... UGH!!!

I have felt an ENORMOUS amount of courage and strength to stand up and say "Its my life, deal with it" I had a conversation with A mom not my own (she knows better) yesterday. This mom always has alot of advise and comments for me. I finally felt strong enough to speak up, so this is in a nutshell is what went down.

Mom: Well I am glad you are back and I hope your life starts looking up.

Me: My life wasn't down until the rug was jerked out from under me 2 monthes ago. I was in a perfectly happy place and doing quite well in my job and happy with my arrangements with my kids, buying a house talking about commitments.

Mom: Well it seems as though that changed and now you need to do whats best for your kids and stop thinking about yourself.

Me: WHOA!! I am tired of people making the assumption that I am being selfish by the decisions I have made. Has anyone besides myself and D and Mike spent any and I mean ANY significant time with my kids?? to know how they feel about our arrangements?

Mom: Well No, I haven't, but I know as a mother I could NEVER leave my kids.

Me: I haven't "LEFT" my kids. I see them on a very regular basis. My kids are happy, healthy, STABLE and very loved. THATS whats important. Just because I am a mother doesnt mean I have to compete to be the worlds best SOCCER mom, my kids are very aware that I love them, they are very aware that they are safe, sound, fed, clothed and stable. They have experienced more in the last 2 years than most kids have by the time they are 21 years of age. I am grateful for the opportunities D and I have brought them.

Mom: Well I guess I understand better what you are thinking.

Me: I love my kids, they love me. I refuse to compromise their stability to make MYSELF happy by fighting for full custody of them, just so I can look like a GREAT mom. I may not be a GREAT mom but I am a good mom. Some say I shouldn't have had kids then, well I have them and I cant and dont want to change that so I DEAL by loving them and making sure they are STABLE. I would much rather they live in a new house in a good neighborhood and go to school at the same school everyday than to be renting what I can afford and risking moving and forcing them to change schools.

I upset the mom and I felt bad for that, but I wont be chastized any longer for my decisions. I admit I dont always make the right decisions but the bottom line is this decision worked for me and my kids.