Like popcorn popping...

2007-07-08T10:37:00.000-07:00

Kids and I playing with MAC again!

The day came.

2007-07-06T19:04:00.000-07:00

The day we didn't want to come...

Aunt Melissa died last night. As painful as it is for her loved ones... we ALL know and realize its what is best for her. No more pain and no more suffering.

I think I have been waiting for this day to grieve about Uncle Tom as well... The flood gates opened when I got the call last night. She reached her 50th birthday on May 31st. Uncle Tom was entirely to young too.

The fear of getting older and accepting that our relatives are aging is getting to me.

MacBook

2007-05-21T13:28:00.001-07:00

I finally bought a new computer.. a little MacBook easy to travel with!

Boog and I had fun with the photobooth!!

The past is always so present

2007-05-21T13:18:00.000-07:00

I am trying to be really strong and really big these days.

I swear every curve ball is streaming RIGHT AT ME! ARGHHHHH!! No wonder people do stupid things.

In the last 60 days I have been drug through hell and back. Im still standing and im strong with weak tendencies!

-March 14th I moved out into my VERY OWN place! Scary and good
-Marchish D and I decided we would work on us apart, we have so much love for each other yet so much resentment and confusion.
-April 8th D failed to tell me he met someone and was carrying on a "relationship" with her, coupled with the stratling facts that she is young and not his typical eye catcher, I was taken WAY back and blown away, I felt like the day when I saw my husband fully engaged in an affair, I was torn to pieces.
-Aprlish I was told Sasas time is so limited I should come home and see her, I did this.
-May still dealing with the D situation and tring to accept that he screwed me over to screw someone else!! He is in and out of my life like a cancer.. he loves me one minute and hates me the next, he calls me and texts me and apologizes then tells me to piss up a rope! CONFUSION!!
-Mayish I meet someone I really enjoy but not looking to get terribly involved. D ruins that too!!
May 15th I get THE phone call!! Am calls crying... its Melissa for sure, I knew she was gone. NO ITS MY UNCLE Tom!! Amys dad passed in his sleep. WTF seriously I cant take anymore!

I am digging for the sanity!! I am so sentimental and thoughtful its hard for me to walk away from things. But I HAVE TO MAKE this a very concious effort to extract D from my life like a poison he is destroying me from the inside out!!

GREAT NEWS though!!! I have lost ANOTHER 30 lbs!! I am back to high school size and feeling very good about it!!

My fine...

2007-04-10T13:40:00.000-07:00

My fine is $410.60
Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine. When you are done, post your score as a comment. Title your post "My fine is $........" You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.
Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican -- $20
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped-- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know-- $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk-- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars-- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work-- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

The Bachelorette-ish

2007-04-09T17:38:00.000-07:00

Well here it is... My new apartment, new couch, new TV, new end tables and not much else. Quite proud of myself for actually doing it!!

Here is a collage of the kids I put together and hung on the wall! Cute. I bought my TV at Costco for waht I feel is a DEAL!! and the picture above it is a series of flower pictures I took and framed.

I am happy to be on my own but BOY is it lonely. Thankfully im only here 5-7 nights a month... not that hotels are better.

I joined the Y... I work TONS of overtime... getting back on track feels really good!

When the end is so close yet SO far away

2007-02-26T12:08:00.000-07:00

I wish I was one of those people that could JUST LET GO! Buh-BYE!

I was really hoping that my move would be a clean break and a thanks for stopping by my life but im thinking it wont be as easy as I hoped!

I dont physically move until the 14th of March which seems like a light year away. I know when the actual day comes though I will be sad and confused.

Its all good and I know this, we aren't great together hell we aren't really even that good together. Its so very time... when every connecting thread is snapped, there are NO happy days and no quality anything. The unfortunate thing is there has been SO MUCH mental and sometimes verbal abuse I am ashamed. Im a really strong person and I let this happen for some reason.

I look forward to this time to myself and my kids and my friends.

A big girl now.

2007-02-19T10:22:00.000-07:00

I jumped ship!

After 4 years.. err well 32 years I am moving out on my OWN!!! Who'da thunk it??!

D and I haven't been GREAT so I have decided to move out and live alone. I am SO SO excited and very very sad! All these emotions that are from one end of the spectrum to the other is draining and fatiguing. We are hoping to maintain AT LEAST a friendship... Ultimatly we are hoping to understand each other and learn whether we are really meant to be one thing or the other.

I had status quo for nearly 10 years. I want GREAT now I want what I want and I dont need to feel bad about that. I know relationships aren't easy but I dont believe you should have to work SO hard for contentment.

Its been exciting buying all my own stuff and decorating the way I WANT to. To hang pictures of my choosing where I want to, picking my colors and putting things where I want them. I am most excited about leaving my home and returning to find it the same way I left it. I also get to watch whatever I want and the TIVO wont be monopolized with history and war movies and how airplanes work.

I will miss a warm body. Someone to cook for and eat with... My best friend. Bike rides and movies and someone to talk to for no reason.

So I got a little 1 bedroom apartment in a GREAT neighborhood of Denver. Its new and clean, access controlled so a bit safer for a single woman being alone. I move in just a couple of weeks!

I am working alot to afford some new furniture and decorations... not to mention every little thing from TP to linens to food. ALLLLL NEW!

Snow snow go away..

2007-01-21T12:22:00.000-07:00

I have CABIN FEVER!!! I HATE this snow! Its came the 19th of December and the only asphalt I have seen since is on the highways. There is still 2 feet in my yard and the roads in the neighborhood are packed ice, makes it hard to drive on. COUPLED with the STUPID people that cant drive in this crap...

I woke this morning to another 3 inches on top of it all!! I cant go out for a walk because its blowing sideways. I just want to go to the library.

It seems to snow a few more inches every weekend... I really cant take it anymore.

Someone had better come dig me out and give me a proper burial!! Im going to die from boredom.

Tis' the season

2006-12-16T01:36:00.000-07:00

I am dreading the travel season next week... YIKES!!! Crazy busy!! You think tax season is crazy for accountants.. try being a flight attendant the week before Chrsitmas!!! Word of advice.. YOU pack it??!!! YOU rack it!!! Those suckers are HEAVYYYY and chances are if you cant lift it.. ME EITHER!! And please be nice to us if your flight is delayed!!! We had nothing to do with the delay and want to get you there ASAP too!! No we dont serve peanuts, Sorry!

Sasa isnt doing so well, she is having dizzy spells a few times daily and is weak and tired. Headaches are back too. I realize this will be her last Christmas or is supposed to be, very hard to accept. Although when she was diagnosed one year ago today she was given 6-9 months... we are 12 months into this terrible ordeal and she is still with us.

My little sister Annie had her baby on the 11th in the evening a girl named Cameron 7lbs and 9oz... Black hair.

I am heading home on monday night for a few days to spend time with my family... looking forward to it but sad.. knowing I could be saying I love you for the last time to sasa... Christmas will never be the same.

20 Favorite things

2006-11-06T08:56:00.000-07:00

1. My kids
2. My family
3. My job
4. My freedom
5. My freedom with my job
6. The FACT that I can go to London on my days off for around $60.
7. My dads carefree outlook...err well maybe its a sort of ignorance but none the less he doesnt care what others think of him.
8. Purple
9. Ikea
10. Werthers soft Carmel chews
11. Flying over Mt. Hood
12. Cel phones.. when in the right hands
13. Smiles, Some peoples smiles draw me into a stare, I cant get enough.
14. Babies that aren't mine!!
15. Trees
16. Photographs
17. My ear Dr!!!
18. Heinekin
19. Pajamas
20. JEANS!!!

In November I am trying to focus on the positive aspects of my life and being an American with the ability to do whatever I want money permitting!! I have a wonderful job and awesome family!

I was just home for a day (cant pass up moms turkey stuffing) spent time with Sasa and the family, loved it. But love coming back here!!

Before I die

2006-09-26T12:34:00.000-07:00

I keep hearing my friends and co-workers talk about things they want to do before they die... So I thought I would make a list too:

20 things I want to do:
#1. Backpack Europe for 2 weeks
#2. Be married again
#3. Bike Ireland
#4. Vacation with my 2 brothers (just the 3 of us)
#5. Moms and Daughters trip
#6. Be friends with my ex husband
#7. Watch my children be in love

Of course not in that order and there are plenty more things I will add... just not today.

Miracle Whip

2006-09-26T12:07:00.000-07:00

Not the mayo kind...

So many things have such a miraculous spin on them...

Sasa went to the Dr. last week, for the first time since the diagnosis there has been no growth!!! She was originally given a 6-9 month expectancy, we are in the 10th month, the swelling is going way down to the point she looks like herself again, she is walking with assistance now, seeing better and generally feeling better. By no means has the cancer gone away but she is feeling better. Someone is being gracious.

Im not into any supersticious stuff... tarot cards, aura readings or other like things. however in flight last week, one of the other flight attendants sat down with me... said she has been reading me and would like to share if I was cool with it.... ME: "well I suppose it cant HURT me" she starts off by saying I may not like some of it... yikes. She says im strong minded yet weak hearted, I hold on to things, words, momentos and material things to keep memories alive that are ok to let go of... The man I am with will only last another year or 2... The next man I meet will be the one for life... I will not have anymore children... My family is strong and close yet controversial... said my son is exactly like me.

I never told this woman anything about me, not even that I had children... and she kept calling me Gretchen which is the name of the girl my ex husband had an affair with?! Creepy but intriguing.

Bitter bus driver

2006-09-13T09:38:00.000-07:00

Why after 4 years is he still an ASS??!!

Why can't we all just get along? Aparently I am a mean nasty horrible mother because I chose a different path. Fingers are pointed at me, accusations are made and opinions are formed even though people dont have the FACTS! I am SO SO SO tired of it.

I will be the FIRST to admit I am NOT a nominee for mother of the year. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids!!!! And would love to have them with me full time. HOWEVER I am not in as good of a position as their dad is at this point (or the point the decision was made). I don't own my home, I have no family here in Co. I am not married to my boyfriend whom I live with and financially not as stable as their dad. I FELT it was a better scenario for my kids to be closer to their families, live in a home they felt safe and comfortable and not to mention I was threatened and badgered into the whole situation. Whats done is done, my kids live with their dad full time and spend half their summers with me and every other holiday, I try to go home once or so a month and talk to them on the phone daily. Another BIG part of why things are the way they are is.. the X husband will FIGHT, he will hire lawyers and fight tooth and nail to get what he wants JUST to prove a point that I am no longer his boss as he puts it. I dont want to put my kids through that, its hard enough on them to be from a broken family and to hear their parents fighting

My daughter is 11, her dads fiance took her and had her hair highlighted and lowlighted, I think its looks terrible, Im pretty upset about it and feel they should have talked to me first out of courtesy. Fiance calls me this morning telling me I have no say in what happens at that home and that she will do what she wants with my kids because she is their full time caretaker. The dad has no health insurance on the kids... wait thats because he has NO JOB!!!

I am up to my eyeballs in disgust. I look forward to the day my kids can speak for themselves.

Northern Lights

2006-09-12T09:09:00.000-07:00

I got an Anchorage layover last week. Yipppppeeeee!!

I truly love Alaska for a few days a year... I didn't do much but I tried. I sat stand by for a sea plane ride... got bumped. They were flying up over Mt. McKinley on the most gorgeous day of the year.. I was bummed but hopefully next year it will work out for me.

The flight back to Denver is a red-eye.. tough!!! 5 hour flight with everyone around you sleeping, farting and snoring.. gooosh... yick! The highlight however was that the flight deck allowed the 3 of us to enter the cockpit one at a time to see the Northern Lights.. AMAZING!!! I never thought I would actually see it with my own eyes.. from an airplane none the less!!

While in Anchorage I met a couple... Michael and Debbie (I think, Sorry) I do know however that Micheal had made plans to visit Alaska with his wife a year ago for her 50th birthday. They flew into Fairbanks from Baltimore MD planned an adventure in the Alaskan forest, Michael was bitten by what they believe was a Brown Recluse spider... dirty rotten little scoundral!! His poor leg looked like a steak gone bad, it ballooned up and they were forced to charter a plane off the mountain to a fairbanks hospital then to an Anchorage hospital... The made the best of what was left of their short lived vacation.. by being together and enjoying what they could. They were the kindest people I have met in ages!! They bought my dinner at a restaraunt/tavern called Humpys. Very kind! I hope they made it back to BWI safely!!

Whole fan-dam-ily

2006-09-04T09:14:00.000-07:00

I finally went home for a weekend.

I avoid it, crying is so DRAINING and I knew it would be hard to see and experience the total deterioration of a young loving person.

We all spent the day saturday at my uncles house in Scappoose.. all but my brothers.

Aunt SaSa looked pretty good considering, she felt well and smiled when she could. I cant seem to process any of it, I just cry about the things she will miss and that we will all miss her. I try to imagine the day when I get the call and where I will be and how quickly can I get home. I really just DONT KNOW.

The girls...

The Boys...

Tall dark and handsome

2006-08-23T21:59:00.000-07:00

I have formed an opinion some may not agree with.... I believe that the internet is an underlying factor in MORE than 50% of todays divorces... Its such a predator errr well I believe it harbors SO MANY predators... What I mean by underlying is that it could start there or end there... someone becomes bored with the other and uses porn or chat or personals to make up for what they may be missing and it spirals out of control... People can be anyone they want to online... A little fun and maybe much needed attention turns into lying, sneeking and possibly acting on something you know your spouse wouldnt approve.

Bored spouses go online find a new friend... one thing leads to another. Porn has become a new hobby.. what the hell happened to woodworking?? I know people have cheated for centuries but has it ever been this easy? YUCK!

I bought my first computer in 1996, it didn't take long for my ex husband to find the "goodies". Before anyone comes down on me... Im not blaming the internet for my divorce... there were OBVIOUSLY already problems. But the computer was such an outlet that there was no interest in working things out the conventional way. I always felt like I was competing for attention... After I found out about the habit... I became forever suspicious, I was preoccupied by trying to catch him or trying to find the answers to unanswered questions.

My girlfriend called me the other night said her husband failed to empty his history and wastebasket on their computer... Not only that but he left his applications up including his 3 different email accounts... She saw and read the end of her marriage. He had personal ads posted, he was corresponding with several women and had been having a physical relationship with at least one person for the last 3 months. After she confronted him... He confessed and said it was just to easy and he abused the freedom (he is a pilot based in PHX, family is in DEN). Shameful. My heart SANK for her, they have a baby and a mortgage and she trusted him.

I really dont know what to say.

Tagged....

2006-08-17T09:45:00.000-07:00

I have been tagged...

Sometimes these are hard.. sometimes they are fun and sometimes not so fun... But here goes and I suppose I will tag KnowsItAll and Rocky

1. If you could live anywhere... where would it be? I think on the outskirts of Portland is fine with me!!
2. If you had a baby girl tomorrow what would her full name be? (of course no last name) Hmmm... I still love the name Allison Francis.. I was going to name emmy that.
3. How about a boy? Liam Eugene
4. What would you prefer to be doing as a living? I would love to be a Pilot!!
5. Whats the first thing you would do with a 50 millions payout? I would travel with my kids for 3 months.. anywhere we want to go and buy whatever we want!!
6. What would you change about your childhood? Nothing really.. maybe a little more self esteem
7. Whats your BIGGEST petpeeve? Being late or someone being late
8. Favorite place you have ever been to visit? Juan De Fuca Straight British Columbia
9. Do you have a crush on someone other than your current SO? HOLY YEAH!!!
10. What item is in the top back left corner of your fridge? Costco jar of Pepperoncini's half eaten
11. Roughly how many CD's do you own? 150ish
12. Roughly how many do you actually listen to? ZERO thats why I have my RPod
13. Whats the last DVD you watched? Flight of the Phoenix
14. Whats the last movie you watched at a theatre? Took the kids to see RV
15. Where is the last place you flew to? Cancun... for work
16. Have you ever hired someone to clean your home? My sister...hehe
17. Favorite TV show? I am a REALITY SHOW JUNKIE!! I cant pick one
18. Fiction or non-fiction? Non
19. Growing up did you envy any one particular friend? I did.. wont name names but of course!
20. One thing people MAY not know about you? I have a tatoo that I got JUST to piss someone off!!
21. Your best quality? I am a good friend.. will do anything for anyone of them!
22. Your worst quality? I get restless and I can be opinionated
23. Most important thing in a relationship is? Communication
24. How do you exercise? I bike and walk (total)about 100 miles a week
25. How much do you spend on make up per year? probably around $100
26. How much do you spend on clothes per year? probably around $500 to $700 not to include shoes
27. How much do you spend on traveling per year? I travel for work so not much.. maybe $300
28. Where is your next travel destination? Personally probably PDX for work I wont know until 3pm today!
29. Have you ever been cheated on? Yep!!
30. Would you ever cheat on anyone? I dont THINK so... but I cant be definitive

Nations Capital

2006-08-09T21:47:00.000-07:00

None the less during a FREAKING ASS heat wave!! I took the kids on a vacation for 4 days!! Awesome, had a great hotel was called Jurys Washington hotel right on Dupont Circle was only $99 per night for a great room that had a plasma TV hanging gracefully from the wall directly in front of my king sized bed.

We spent a day in the downtown area walking from one end to the other, we visited the Natural history and the American history museums, Botanic Garden, Lincoln Memorial, washington Monument and Emmy asked if she could egg the white house.. It was no less than 100 degrees and HUMID like buckets of THICK wet air being thrown at us.. then to have to trek into those tunnels to catch the metro, standing next to hundreds of sweaty, sometimes filthy dirty people isn't much fun to me, not to mention im already one of those weird finatical mothers that freak about my 11 year old not holding my hand.. I was there by myself with my 2 priceless possesions.. I was scared!! But we did well and we all LOVED IT!!

Washington Monument is Beautiful its my favorite thing in DC!

My kid is a goon!!! He literally had a 5 minute session with this skeleton making sounds I had NO IDEA could come from a child! Others were staring and NOT EVEN LAUGHING!!! LOL

This little weevil thing was beyond boog.. he was goofing off and trying to mimic this thing the rest of the day.? weird kid!

Can you FREAKING believe these 2 belong to me? Man they are getting older and bigger!!

This probably the sweetest thing I saw the entire time! they were laughing and whispering with each other for at least 10 minutes!

Then all hell broke loose! LOL

After walking nearly 4 miles the 3 of us sat with our feet in a cool water fountain that stated "DO NOT TOUCH WATER Strictly prohibited" I asked the janitor picking leaves out why we couldnt touch.. he gave me a "pffft" so we SAT and planted ourselves... I bought the kids their Keens before we left... I loved mine so much that I broke down and bought them their very own!

This was at the end of our journey, we were all HOT/TIRED/THIRSTY and READY to get off of our feet... all we had to do is find the damned metro tunnel!!?? UGH It was back at federal triangle another 1/2 mile...

Farewell DC!

San Antonio TX

2006-07-03T09:28:00.000-07:00

One of my recent Layovers was San Antonio.. I was really dreading it because of the heat and humidity but was pleasantly pleased and loved the riverwalk!

We didn't do much but did ride the city bus to the Riverwalk and had lunch there.

I am digging my job!!

Strawlbewies

2006-07-03T09:20:00.000-07:00

I am also growing Strawberries... However Knowsitall.. THESE my friend are not Phallic-looking!! They are just plain ole' good!!

Update on Toms!!

2006-06-23T16:18:00.000-07:00

I can't wait til they turn red!! WOOOOHOOO!!

When the end is near

2006-06-13T22:26:00.000-07:00

What do you say?

How do you hold it together?

My family is so tight, such strong people. Its like its crumbling now. My aunt is the youngest of the bunch... was always the strongest and most diplomatic, she was the glue.

Mom called tonight, advised my aunts health is rapidly deteriorating. She lost vision in 1 eye, cant walk alone anymore and her headaches have returned. My moms last words were... "maybe you should come home for a few days" last time I heard those exact words... I was 14 years old sitting on my friends bed at 11pm, by the time I ran home my grandpa had passed. Im 32 now and haven't lost anyone since then.. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say or where to be or really how to feel about it... I am here, they are all there.

I had the conversation with my kids that sasa is going to die... soon. It was harder for me to tell them that than it was for me to explain my divorce from their dad. Emmy got quiet.. which is rare and Boog asked questions like... does she hurt? is she sick? will she cry? Heart breaking!

Patio boys

2006-06-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

Welp folks my tomatoes are'a growin'!!! WOOOHOOO!! I am so excited!! I can barely stand myself! I dont eat tomatoes alone.. nor do I like them, so I DONT know why I am growing them... Maybe its the challenge? probably so.

Yellowstone

2006-05-27T13:55:00.000-07:00

D in the Sulfur clouds... Weirdo liked the smell!?

TWISTED!! I love this tree trunk

me with my cute farmers tan!! Happy Birthday to me overlooking the Yellowstone River!

Good morning reflection

Sunset at the Tetons above

I had a really nice relaxing time at Yellowstone and enjoyed the fact that we were living in the rental van, we were up and at it by 7am and asleep by 10pm at night, we brought sleeping bags and easy food to eat and a 2.5 gallon jug of agua. Good times!!

I cant wait to take my kids, the kids LOVE LOVE LOVE road trips and are stoked to take this trip. Emmy has been doing her little research online and boog just talks about the animals.

Come and gone again...

2006-05-23T20:18:00.000-07:00

Welp another year has gone by and I still hate birthdays.

This year I spent my birthday at Yellowstone National park. It was beautiful out and the sun was BLAZING.. therefore I am red from head to even my pinky toes... it all hurts!! Like a dumbass I FAILED to lather myself up with sunscreen and I took the beating!

Yellowstone is pretty dang neat, but after 3 days I was READY to go home!!!

We flew from Denver to Jackson Hole Wyoming... rented a mini van and camped in it for 3 nights and 4 days, it all worked out pretty dang good! I think I will take the kids this summer for a night or 2. Old faithful sprang, we saw the mud pots and sulfur gardens, more bison than I could count and beautiful scenery.

I also have been able to spend some time back home in PDX with the family... Emmy had her 11th birthday which cost me a small fortune, we painted ceramics and went to a movie had lunch and shopped with a couple of her friends and cousins, Loved it!!

Seeing my aunt sasa for the first time since her december diagnosis was extremly difficult. No one had warned me or even mentioned what/who I was about to see. She has lost nearly all of her hair and its now blond from black (her decision) she is so puffed up from the steriods and chemo/radiation that I literally did NOT recognize her, her eyes are different and her body, she is very weak and fragile, she doesn't talk alot like she used to. She went back to the oncologist yesterday and the cancer has spread to the otherside of the brain now. The family is hanging in there and coming to terms with the immenent lose and spending as much quality time as she wants. My brother, his wife and my uncle took her to Hawaii for 10 days where my uncle asked her to marry him again, they married again on the beach.

At 35,628

2006-04-21T08:39:00.000-07:00

My last 2 flights have had "issues"... crazy what you see and hear at 35k feet.

I had a "medical". Baby started having a seizure, mom tugs on my blouse says "I think my little boy is having a seizure" I looked down and BIGOLLY he is..... heart sinks and I send her to the back galley. He had had an ear infection and fever prior to boarding... FYI folks please do not travel ill, very risky! Paramedics met us at the jetway.

Next flight... about 20 minutes to landing, Captain calls back says make an announcement that ALL passengers must remain seated when the plane comes to a stop. He explained that the police will be boarding the plane removing a passenger that has NO IDEA he is being arrested. WHOA! The funny thing is the 3 of us flight attendants knew he was going to be arrested and HE DIDNT! Kinda of strange.. "Sir, can I get you a drink?" LOL

I had a passenger the other day if I would procreate with him because he thinks I have the perfect face... He said he would pay me and that I would need to "sign off" on the child because he doesnt want a mom in the babys life... YEAH SURE!! when would you like to do this? HA

I am loving the job. I love the days off, I have been off now for 4 days. I planted a vegetable garden with tomatoes and strawberries and zuchini and a few flowers here and there. When I get a line I will have about 14-16 days off a month and a set schedule... yippeee

HOLY RHSville!!

2006-04-07T23:25:00.000-07:00

So now that I am flying the friendly skies officially I have the luxury of meeting my out of state friends and relatives for lunches or dinners...

I met the know it all for a drink and pizza in PHX while on a layover... We get to giggling about PTown and all the funny junk online.. HAHAHA I never knew that I could get my fill of st. johns ONLINE! She struck my curiousity to the point I had to look and then to REALLY look you have to sign up.. yeah so I did it. That class of 93 seems to be much more in touch than the class of 92! But hey girls there is a dude that says he graduated the class of 92 and I CANT FIGURE OUT WHO HE IS!!!

LU.. HAHAHA I see who the pic is now, I couldnt figure it out forever!! LOL

Seems like everyone has at least 2 kids in that class too.

Even my first BF err well not my FIRST but the FIRST one I did IT with... LOL I saw his WHOLE family and all.

Thanks Sheri for occupying that last 4 hours of my life.. HAHA.

OH yeah I even read someones space thing that said Brent is one of his idols... whoa!

What happen to little girls

2006-03-13T22:48:00.000-07:00

Somedays I just love Oprah.... not so much her anymore but the topics and her guests (when they get a chance to speak)

Todays topic was young girls and their percecption of themselves. OH MY GOD!!! I was in tears, afraid and DISGUSTED!! 16 year olds saying they have had up to 8 partners, girls crying because they feel ugly or fat or dumber than friends. NO self esteem and NO activities to keep them busy!

When I was 13.. I didn't have a care in the world except playing softball... clothes?? who cares as long as they fit, are clean and no one will laught at me for wearing them.. COOL!!

At 15 I was changing akwardly into a young lady.. boobs that popped out like torpedos and a changing face and voice.. YUCK!! But still playing ball. I lucked out and never had acne, I had a great group of friends, yet I wasn't as cool as them fashion wise... I don't recall caring or trying to fit in that way anyway.. except the one time racquel I think or maybe sheri bought me a "babydoll" dress meant to be worn with leggings... HAHA I felt SO weird, like everyone was staring at me and laughing. I did wear the latest and greatest so long as they were guess jeans, shorts or overalls though!! I always had ESprit shirts and bags. Boys were my secret I had crushes and all my girlfriends knew but the boy didn't.

17, was a whole new ara for me, I worked alot. I had a boyfriend and thats when I chose to "give it up" which much to my suprise was late as I was told.. I don't recall it being much later than my friends, just wasn't something we all talked about.

Things are so different these days, girls are older than their age. My 10 year old has had her period!!! GUH!!! She has boobies and talks about boys that like her and her friends that have done things I didn't do until I was much older. She asked to get her hair highlighted and nails done... WHAT?? NO!! say it isn't so!! She wants to shop at American Eagle and Abercrombie!!

I know I may be old fashioned or out of the loop but I still want to dress Emmy, I want to braid her hair and dress her in Gap khakis and a cute little shirt, mary jane shoes and a sweet little backpack. I don't want to supress her I just want her to accept and appreciate the short youth she gets.

They are all growing up to fast, im sad about it!!

Crocodile tears

2006-03-10T10:29:00.000-07:00

Some of my toughest times here in Denver are when I miss my family, when I am unable to be there for important things like babies and weddings and funerals and ball games.

My aunt was diagnosed in December with a cancerous brain tumor. She has been going through chemo and radiation the last couple of months. Her daughter (my cousin) had a baby in late february. I havent been home to see her since the news broke. I miss my whole family but right now I miss her. No less than at least once a day I think about her, about christmas at her house, about her smiles and friendly demeanor, how all the kids love her and call her sasa, I think about my uncle and the devastation he will feel if he loses her, about my cousins and the pain in their hearts. It sometimes overcomes me and I bawl about it for hours. My family is whole with her and I cant imagine it without her.

My dad was out to visit a few weeks ago... that in itself was hard. I saw my dad looking frail and tired. It scared me and made me sad. I noticed a light constant shake in his head and hands, his handwritting was obviously shaky which is a HUGE downturn from his very steady drafters hand writting. He was very confused. I didnt know what to think. Just hugged him!

My brother is (fingers crossed) coming home by Thanksgiving. My mom and older brother have been negotiating with the attorney and the state on the case and we may get to have him home for christmas this year!!

I get alot of days where I am here alone at least for half the day. I like to use these days to reflect and kind of meditate in my own little world. So this is what I do... I think about my family, I call them, I catch up, I scrapbook and I blog (seperatly).

What to do:

2006-03-09T09:29:00.000-07:00

This is the Slide jump... the worst part of the whole training course is having to jump down this slide.

I finally have a DAY OFF!!!

I have been in training since February 6th, All my time has been overly occupied!! My dad flew out to Denver for a couple of days right in the middle of my training, I didn't get to spend much time with him. None the less it was nice to see him!

I am technically done with training now. All classroom activities are done!! WOOOHOOO!! It is very VERY challengining to be cooped up in a closed room with 32 other people I barely know all with different personalities. Some likable some not so much. We all passed and have been released to do our IOE, which is essentially our first flight on our own doing all the duties we have been taught. THANKFULLY we will have a "check flight attendant" there to guide a little and make sure we are performing safely and accepting the pressures accordingly.

Then when IOE is complete I am done, I am a Flight attendant and will be working everyday that they call me!!

My kids will be here for 10 days in 2 weeks and my sister is coming next weekend. My mom is coming for a few days. CRAZYINESS!!

With my DAY OFF I need to:

Go buy a GREAT pair of black pumps
Buy my kids Christmas gifts (I know.. a little late)
Buy my boog his 8th birthday present
Costco for.. GAS.. pictures (which I transmitted online and just have to pick up!!LOVE IT) and return my Canon power shot SD450 and pick up my new Canon PowerShot SD550.. YIPPEE!!
Take my uniforms to the tailor
Old Navy for a shopping spree
Lego store for another boog present

Then I HAVE TO CLEAN!!! and study a little for IOE!!

Like to be busy BUT!!! I cant wait for the slow down!

In all my shining smiles

2006-02-23T20:19:00.000-07:00

Here is me and one of my many flight attendant class mates cheesing for the camera the day before our first flight.

We had just received our new inflight aprons.. there for they needed to be donned proudly!! And we are prepping to serve the entire building drinks..

My first flight was to DC. Took 2hrs 22 minutes to get there and 4hrs 40 minutes to get back.. long day.

My white sweater made me blend into one HUGE snowball-esque looking form. GRRR

At any rate training is going well we are in our 4th week and coming along nicely!! You will all feel safe flying with me, as long as we dont share stories about high school and the many reckless things we did back then...

Too busy and tired to be original

2006-02-20T22:27:00.000-07:00

So I will add my response to Lu's blog..

Place an X by all the things you've done, or remove the x fromthe ones you have not, and send it to all of your friends (including me).This is for your entire life:
(x ) Smoked a cigarette
(x) Drank so much you threw up
( ) Crashed a friend's car
( ) Stolen a car
(x) Been in love
(X) Been dumped
(x) Shoplifted
( X) Been laid off/fired
(x) Quit your job
(x) Been in a fist fight
(x) Snuck out of your parent's house
(X) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) Been arrested
( X) Gone on a blind date
(x) Lied to a friend
(X) Skipped school
( ) Seen someone die
(X) Been to Canada
(X) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Been lost
(x) Been on the opposite side of the country
(x) Gone to Washington, DC
( ) Swam in the ocean
(X) Felt like dying
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X ) Played cops and robbers~~~Although NOT as an adult.. well maybe with Brayden
(X) Recently colored with crayons-colored pencils
(X) Sang karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) Made prank phone calls
( ) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about-- oddly enough, not at all memorable.
(X) Blown bubbles
(x) Made a bonfire on the beach
( ) Crashed a party
(X) Gone roller-skating
(X) Ice-skating

1.Any Children? Em-11 and Brayden-8... D-35
2. Any Pet's? Nadda
3.Any nicknames? A few we dont need to display
4. Mother's name? Nancy
5. What is your favorite drink? Beer in the green bottle
6. Tattoos? on top of my foot
7. Body piercing? ears
8. How much do you love your job? I fly for free, sleep in 3 and 4 star hotels and travel the US.. I likey! Until there is a puker onboard... then my day is ruined with my own gag reflex... guh!
9. Birthplace: Portland, Oregon
10. Favorite vacation spot? Dont know yet
11. Ever been to Africa? no
12. Ever steal any traffic signs? ONCE!! It was a "One way" with 2 arrows pointing opposite directions indicating it was 2 way!!!
13. Ever been in a car accident? yes
14. A, B, C, D cup size? D. Until my 35th birthday then I will be a big B or smaller C!! haha
15. 2 Door or 4 Door? 4
16. Salad dressing? Bleu Cheese
17. Favorite pie? Cherry although I am allergic to cherries..
18. Favorite Number? 11
19. Favorite movie? The Sound of Music
21. Favorite holiday? The fourth
22. Favorite food? Fish Tacos
23. Favorite day of the week? Sunday
24. Favorite brand of body soap? Lever 2000 melon with moisutizer
25. Favorite TV show? Reality show junkie
26. Toothpaste? Colgate TOTAL
28. Favorite smell? A fresh peeled grapefruit in my clean house.
29. What do you do to relax? IPod... Heinekens... and sleep!!
30. Message to your friends reading this? Hi... Glad to hear everyone is well.
32. How do you see yourself in 10 years? I try not to... I am having a hard enough time with my 30's to stop and EVEN think about my forties!!
33. What do you do when you are bored? Scrapbook or catch up on the real world or road rules challenges
34. What do you enjoy receiving? HAHAH I could be sill ywith this but will have to agree with miss know it all and say thoughtful little out of the blue for no reason gifts... Or anything from my brothers as its few and far between.
35. Furthest place you will send this message? Comcast handles all that ...
36. Who will respond the fastest?? Dont know...
37. Least likely to respond? Don't know...
38.What time is it now? 10:34pm Monday Feb 20 Denver

A day in the life of ME

2006-02-05T00:03:00.000-07:00

I saw this on someone elses blog and I wanted to do it too!!
*****************************************************
Five jobs I’ve had
1. Humane Society
2. Dairy Queen
3. Fred Meyer
4. Lehman Brothers
5. Frontier Airlines

Five movies I can watch over and over
Sound of Music
Willy Wonka (old one)
Lemony Snickets
?
?

Four places I have lived
Portland, Or
Wichita Falls Tx
Vancouver, Wa
Denver, Co

Four TV shows I love
Real World/Road rules challenge
Desperate Housewives
Bachelor/Bachelorette
Oprah

Four places I’ve vacationed
NYC
Chicago
Victoria BC
Disneyland

Four of my favorite meals
Thai Curry (potatoes, carrots, yellow)
Stroganoff
Fish tacos
SUSHI!! philly rolls are my fav

Four sites I visit daily
www.flightattendants.org
www.frontierairlines.com
www.yahoo.com
www.wamu.com

Four places I would rather be right now
London, walking at around 7pm
Maui at 5am waking in a cabana on the beach
Home with my family, spending time with the kids, nieces and sasa
Japan (anywhere) sight seeing

What I did today...
Taught myself to crochet.
Slept in until 11:35am
Bought a homeless man candles (upon his request) a can of soup, 2 things of yogurt and a banana (at my own thought and expense) I also gave him a pair or knitted gloves I had in my trunk.
Sat at Barnes and Noble and read about the Jolie-Pitt family. HA!
Cleaned out my fridge

PRODUCTIVITY at my finest!!

Im the new best friend

2006-02-01T12:37:00.000-07:00

I bought a package of movie tickets.. 8 to be exact.

D is usually never interested in leaving the house let alone go to a movie, BUT I have FREE tickets. As I explained to him they aren't FREE I paid $50 for these 8 tickets therefor NOT free!! I am down to 2 and NOT happy about it. We did some good movies though... Syriana, about the oil fields overseas. I liked it. The new world, I was NOT happy about being drug along for this one but ended up really enjoying it, I cant stand Colin Ferrell though!! GUH!! I also saw The Ringer with Johnny Knoxville, im sorry but I am a sucker for stupid antics I think its a riot and I thought this movie was hilarious, I was sitting in the theatre alone (no date) and there were about 15 other couple of people, I seemed to be the only person laughing most of time, I was shooshed 2x and told I was rude once... They were mad because I was laughing at the things the "challenged" were saying to knoxville.. SORRY its a movie for criminy sakes!! If they didn't want people to laugh they shouldn't have made the movie!!

Now that I am in traing to be an FA and I live where the training is taking place I am the "chosen" one.. take me out, show me the town, lets go shopping, wanna get lunch?? GUH I am broke girls can't. Its fun and exciting and I know I am a fun exciting person but I am one tired chicky after a day of brain usage. I havent studied in over 12 years.. this is hard shit!! I have to get used to this school stuff again!!

I will post some pics when I get my uniform tailored!! YIPPEEE!! lol

Opt out

2006-01-23T07:36:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how COOL it is to get a $5000 check in the mail!!! WOOOOHOOOO

But thankfully im not that dumb.

This check comes to my home in Denver, yet it says my married name. It is a check from a local dealership here in Denver. errr well its from an outskirt town but none the less. I started thinking about it and actually began getting really mad. How the hell?? Why in the world would they have my married last name that was changed over 3 years ago!! I have never been to this dealership!! I called them, I asked how they got the info. They acted baffled. Did you buy a car from us? NO! Did you come in and test drive a vehicle? NO! Did your fam...NONONONO!!

I asked to talk to the marketing director. Her: We dont have one. Me: WHO is in charge of BUYING peoples names for marketing? Her: Uhm we dont do that ma'am! Me: DUH!!! YES YOU DO!!

Persistance paid off, I spoke to the CEO he says they do in fact buy names from EXPERIAN!!! Yes folks our TRUSTY credit bureau folks SELL our info to businesses!! GUH!!

So go to Experian.com and opt out!! If you want the crap mail to stop!

Im needy

2006-01-17T20:20:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a long time I have a little "extra" dough put away and im trying my BEST to keep it in the extra colum rather than spending it on the things I NEED...

Aveda hand cream.. OOOHHH its so GREAT!!
A pair of Eccos for work. Super cute too!!
The new IPod.. I wont get this for A LONG TIME. anyone wanna buy a 20G??
I love anything Coach, but I REALLY NEED this handbag.
I have been saving for this watch for QUITE some time now. I am growing impatient and NEED it now...
I need netflix.
I need a VACATION!!

I need these things, but I was told they aren't really things I need??

Random

2006-01-07T10:38:00.000-07:00

Banana Bread.

If you love Banana Bread you SHOULD love this recipe and its super simple.

Sour Cream
Banana Bread

1 cup sugar + 2 tablespoons
1/2 cup oil
2 eggs
1.5 cup mashed bananas (3 medium)
1/2 cup sour cream
1 teaspoon vanilla
1-1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt

Preheat oven to 350F. Grease and flour bottom only of a 9 X 5 loaf pan. In large bowl, beat together sugar and oil. Add eggs, bananas, sourcream and vanilla, blend well. Lightly spoon flour into measuring cup. Add flour, baking soda and salt into a clean bowl stir. Add dry ingredients to moist ingrediants. Pour mixture into prepared pan.
Bake at 350F for 50 to 60 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 5 minutes. Remove from pan. Cool completely. Wrap tightly and store in refrigerator. Makes 1 loaf.

La Dee Da

2006-01-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

Been pretty boring in my life lately. Just working and paying bills.

Sasa starts radiation therapy on monday, she cut her hair real short in prep, says she likes it ok. Kell will have her baby in february. Aim is coming next weekend for a visit, I am excited about this one!!

We plan to go to Vail for the night and day, enjoy a nice spa treatment and window shop in the town. Plan on seeing a movie back down here in the city. I also want to take her to one of my FAVORITE restraunts Luciles it is really yummy southern creole louisianna style fixins!! We will go to Cherry Creek and Park Meadows malls, both really nice malls. Probably go downtown and hang out on the 16th street mall.. kind of like pioneer place.

I start training on the 30th of January at the airline. I was told there will be a show about the 6 week training course we go through, no im not in it. I did my processing yesterday and met some of my fellow classmates.

I am looking forward to something new and different, exciting and fun and just plain ole' something I WANT to do!!

Merry Christmas!!!

2005-12-24T10:30:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would be SERIOUSLY all alone on Christmas, kinda sucks, kinda quiet, kinda nice, kinda yeah right.. IT SUCKS.

Anyhow.. Merry Christmas to all. Happy belated birthday "rocky" hope you had an AWESOME 30th.

To my family, I know I am a needle in our haystack but I know I will still be missed. Im sorry I couldnt be home for Christmas this year, hurts and sad but ima big girl now and these are the kinds of things we face as grown ups. I am thankful I wa able to be home last week for sasa. Enjoy the holiday and kisses to you all.

Emmy and Boog.. I love you both so much. I know you think you hurt my feelings by wanting to go out of town with your dad and his GF... PLEASE dont worry. I am fine and happy that you guys are spending time with your family. I love you both and will see you soon. Merry Christmas!!!

I hope EVERYONE gets what they want!! even if they aren't REAL KEDS!! haha

Come together right now... Faithfully.

2005-12-20T01:43:00.000-07:00

I just returned from an emergency trip back home to Portland.

On my merry way to my first day on the new job I witnessed a HORRIBLE accident. I left the scene thinking to myself.. A. HOW HORRIBLE!! The families will be devistated B. SHIT the families will be even more devistated, its the holidays. and C. I feel very lucky... I have a HUGE family and things like unexpected tragic losses DONT happen to us.

I got the call on tuesday. I left for Portland thursday night, as soon as I was told "you need to come home".

My aunt is only 48, she is a grandmother to 1 and 1 on the way. My cousins are both in their 20's still, one recently married the other not even thinking about it.

Wednesday she had brain surgery where they removed the cyst incased tumor and notified the family it is malignant (cancer) and that it is progressive and will diminish any quality of life from this point forward. Surgeon says 9-12 months with the disclaimer "I am only the surgeon, you will need confirmation from the oncologist".

The news, is DEVASTATING!! Our family is SO strong, but our knee caps can only take so much. After my brother was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago, I thought we had had our fair share of heartache. After my other brother was sent to prison for 7 years for being an "accomplice" I thought wow we are a strong family and can get through anything. We are proving to be so strong, not a dry eye in the house... in fact the sobbing was in unison, almost a melody.

I kind of feel empty and emotionless, I am spent and so sad there are NO MORE tears in me. I watched a kid trip and fall on his face at the airport tonight.. he smacked his nose and bloodied it. Usually I am all mom and get the "hewp" and jump up to the plate.. I just wheeled my roller bag right around him and kepta goin'.

I was so overwhelmed I had to leave Portland and am glad to be back in Denver, in my peace and quiet.

I just dont know what to think.

Never a dull moment

2005-12-13T15:15:00.000-07:00

During my training class today I got that DREADED phone call.. you know the one when mom (or anyone close to you) calls and is forced to choke out a message because I cant take the call in a class.. but then you wonder why is she calling she knows im in a class.. So I better listen to the message... I HATED IT.

Mom: "Please call home now, its important (choking in tears)"

I frantically call back... but like an idiot I call her while she is calling me and we cancel each other out.

Ok so the news is... My Aunt is in the hospital with a possible Brain tumor, very sick. If you know my family you know how close we ALL are and how when one goes down we are all there. I cant be, I am beside myself, how do I get home, keep my job, pay for the trip... I hate living so far away in times like this.

My whole family is there for her and I am here. hard hard!!

I want to be there with my people and show I care and be supportive, everyone in my family holds an equal value to everyone. Very challenging not to fall apart.

She goes in tomorrow for brain surgery and we will know whats going on tomorrow night.

A WHOLE different holiday season..

2005-12-10T12:47:00.000-07:00

This will be the first time in 31 years I wont be with family on Christmas day. Sucks!!

The kids will be with their dad this year and being with the family at "sasa's" house wont be the same without the kids. SO in order to save the $300+ dollars for a positive space ticket I chose not to go home this year and spend that money on gifts for the kids and nieces and of course POSTAGE!!

Oh well I guess, working for an airline I will need to get used to missing events like this.

Bah humbug?? Maybe I will go to vegas for the day?? sounds like an adventure huh!!

Happy holidays to all of you.

A WHOLE different animal

2005-12-06T17:46:00.000-07:00

I got the job.. I will be a flight attendant before the end of next year... Its what I wanted!! The pay may not be great but I will be happy!!

I can commute from home and be excited to work everyday.. NO MORE desks and computers and 15 minute breaks..

Until I go to training I will be working at my current employer.

I look forward to trying something new and doing something I love to do!!

Solo act

2005-12-01T10:25:00.000-07:00

All right folks this train is leaving the station.

I am packing my car AGAIN!!! And I am setting sail for the rockies again. I have 100% unsuccessful in finding adequate work in PDX. I am annoyed and of course sad, I was just starting to settle back in again.

So I took the decent paying job with supreme benefits.

I leave sunday to drive back to denver. I hope to get there and just start all over. Learn to like my soloness, enjoy my lonely quiet unjudged time, watch whatever I want on TV WHEN I want, leave dirty dishes out until I AM ready to clean them.

Dont let me kid myself its going to be painful but good for me. The hard part will be Christmas, I wont be home, I will be in Denver solo this year the kids are with their dad this year and I find it pointless to fly home for the holiday if my kids wont even be there...

Thanksgiving

2005-11-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

I want to give thanks.

Mom, for obviously bringing me life.. Which sometimes im not so thankful for. But none the less Thanks. And thank you for always being there!!

Dad, Thanks for being YOU. you are a great dad and the PERFECT grandpa ever.

Kids, Thanks for giving me reasons... Reasons to say no, reasons to say yes, reason to say because I said so. Reasons to love someone more than life its self. You guys are great kids and I love you so much!!

D, Thanks for the eyeopeners, what you have taught me in the last 3 years. Thanks for the travel benefits and most of all thank your lucky stars you have a great family that loves you.

Ex-Husband, Thanks for being a great dad and trying to be a understanding. I know inside you are a good person and generally wish well to others. Thanks for my kids.

Friends, Thanks for always listening and being supportive.

I am WIPED out of thanks for now.

Eat drink and be merry during the holidays.

Stop the madness

2005-11-24T12:53:00.000-07:00

I have been in DEN for the last 17days.

I have been very unsuccessful at finding work here in PDX. I have been forced to expand my territory. I went back to DEN for an interview, well actually a FEW of them. WHAT DO YOU KNOW?? I am offered 2 of the 3 thus far and will know about the 3rd on the 6th or 7th.

One of the 3 is GOOD money... good good good. I hate to say no but I know I will hate the job. So do I go for the money or the happiness??? I dont want to sit behind a computer all day doing the same monotonous CRAP day in and say out for good money even. But it also offers SUPERB health insurance, stock options, 3 weeks paid vaca off the bat!!!! But its in DENVER... why cant it be in PDX?? why am I the plague in portland?? GUH!!!

I start the 12th of December.

The 2nd job, I turned down. Money was ok but not enough to entice me.

The 3rd job is LOW wages... In fact EXACTLY half of job #1 but it is doing something I enjoy and the benefits are great for me and my family...

What to do??

Happy Thanksgiving all...

Home isn't where my heart is.

2005-10-27T14:16:00.000-07:00

I love Portland. I love fall time in Portland. I love my family in Portland. I love the familiarity of Portland.

I have been home now for about 10 days. I feel very lost and intimidated. My heart isn't here anymore.

I was only in town 13 hours when I got a phone call from and old high school friend, she said HEY I heard you were back. I saw so and so who was told by someone that you were back, funny how she knew right where to get me. Funny how you go to freedys and your spotted at a distance and your phone starts to ring.... UGH!!!

I have felt an ENORMOUS amount of courage and strength to stand up and say "Its my life, deal with it" I had a conversation with A mom not my own (she knows better) yesterday. This mom always has alot of advise and comments for me. I finally felt strong enough to speak up, so this is in a nutshell is what went down.

Mom: Well I am glad you are back and I hope your life starts looking up.

Me: My life wasn't down until the rug was jerked out from under me 2 monthes ago. I was in a perfectly happy place and doing quite well in my job and happy with my arrangements with my kids, buying a house talking about commitments.

Mom: Well it seems as though that changed and now you need to do whats best for your kids and stop thinking about yourself.

Me: WHOA!! I am tired of people making the assumption that I am being selfish by the decisions I have made. Has anyone besides myself and D and Mike spent any and I mean ANY significant time with my kids?? to know how they feel about our arrangements?

Mom: Well No, I haven't, but I know as a mother I could NEVER leave my kids.

Me: I haven't "LEFT" my kids. I see them on a very regular basis. My kids are happy, healthy, STABLE and very loved. THATS whats important. Just because I am a mother doesnt mean I have to compete to be the worlds best SOCCER mom, my kids are very aware that I love them, they are very aware that they are safe, sound, fed, clothed and stable. They have experienced more in the last 2 years than most kids have by the time they are 21 years of age. I am grateful for the opportunities D and I have brought them.

Mom: Well I guess I understand better what you are thinking.

Me: I love my kids, they love me. I refuse to compromise their stability to make MYSELF happy by fighting for full custody of them, just so I can look like a GREAT mom. I may not be a GREAT mom but I am a good mom. Some say I shouldn't have had kids then, well I have them and I cant and dont want to change that so I DEAL by loving them and making sure they are STABLE. I would much rather they live in a new house in a good neighborhood and go to school at the same school everyday than to be renting what I can afford and risking moving and forcing them to change schools.

I upset the mom and I felt bad for that, but I wont be chastized any longer for my decisions. I admit I dont always make the right decisions but the bottom line is this decision worked for me and my kids.

Its raining, its pouring

2005-10-20T21:35:00.000-07:00

Im certainly not snoring!! I have never had SO MANY interviews in my LIFE!! And whats worse?? Im not getting any call backs!! How discouraging and disappointing!

By the way this a picture of raindrops sitting on my sunroof!!

I should have kept my job in Denver and toughed out the relationship issue...

October 9th

2005-10-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

Well I was supposed to start driving back to Portland today, as you can see (only an hour into the storm) I wont be going anywhere just yet.

Ahhh, Portland.

little worm in the Big Apple

2005-10-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

Sorry New Yorkers.. But I hated it.

We flew into LaGuardia airport, the intense feeling of HURRY set in ASAP!! we figured out how to get to Grand Central quickly.. we were scurried on to a "luxury" bus and carted off to GC. We ran in hoping to catch a train to Poukeepsie to meet my Uncle, but they were filming a Lamborghini commercial and forcd all 2 million subway riders to file through a small path.. WHAT THE FCUK?? Its rush hour shoot your damn commercial at 3am JERK OFF!! (I learned that phrase quickly).

We got our train, rode right along the Hudson river it was beautiful rivaling the some parts of the Columbia river back home, we even enjoyed a sunset together while we pretensiously ate sun dried tomatos, with brie on water crackers... ride lasted an hour and 30 min. Uncle Butch was there waiting with open arms, very comforting. We drove another hour to Woodstock finally getting there at about 9pm.

Woodstock is a very eclectic and interesting town not to mention beautiful. It was very relaxing and quiet we loved it.

After a few days in WS we set back out to NYC this time with my uncle, he wanted to join us for a few hours in the city. After realizing that our hotel wasn't "15 minutes" away I became the worlds biggest BITCH!! UGH I was pissed that now we had to find our hotel in North bergen NJ instead of spending time with my uncle.

So anyhow we saw it all!! Times square, canal street, shopping district, bronx, lady liberty, chelsea area, we saw the letterman show, rockefeller center everything and 98% of it on foot.

While we were there NYC was having the bomb scares on the subways which made life above ground ALOT more hectic. On our final day there we hoped the subway to get back to the airport and LOW AND BEHOLD we were greeted at the Queens station by a screaming officer "BOMB GET OFF THE TRAIN AND OUT OF THE SUBWAY NOW" they shut the train and the town DOWN and it was DUMPING about an inch of rain every 1/2 hour!! IT SUPER SUCKED!! We finally reached the airport with about 10 minutes to spare, oh and the gate we were departing from had a hole in the ceiling that was dumping a waterfall!! HAHAHA

NYC is for me.

Travel bug

2005-09-28T22:01:00.000-07:00

For the last 6 weeks I have been on the go constantly...

3 years of dating an airline pilot is coming to end I better get my travels in check... for the last 2 years he has ALWAYS said NO... no you cant meet me in my overnight city. No you dont want to go to Austin there isnt anything to see and it will waste a pass. No I wont be in that town long enough for us to do anything.. no no no no... Well finally No has been scrubbed off and rewritten to mean SURE, WHY NOT, PLEASE DO, HOW ABOUT IT? Yeah.. So I have been to Vail, Co quite sleepy little ski resort home of that Trista and Ryan pair.. we even watched Ryan in action all dolled up in his firefighter digs, I dont know who was more jazzed me or D. Then there was Aspen, Co again another ski resort however this one isnt sleepy and there is enough to do when the snow is absent. Beautiful, clean friendly..ish, rather hirtoric, great streams and awesome walking paths, but MIGHTY expensive nothing under a mil for real estate. Gunnison, Co not much to say about it. kinda like pendelton not much to do there isnt a vacation town just a college town. Crestted Butte, Co was beautiful and boring. Circled Phoenix, Az a few times didnt do anything special I just like Ikea.. Miss know it all is always out of town... Then Vegas, just went for the day. Chicago, Il was last week and I loved it... Loved it!! It seems to be a great mix between Portland and New York, alot of culture and history there. All the people were friendly even on the L. The shopping district called the Magnificent mile was GREAT!! The biggest Old Navy I have ever seen, Then there ae these parts of Chicago that are new and interesting like the Millenium park... My feet hurt though.

Well folks my final trip before I return to the city of roses is an 8 day to NYC, 3 days in Woodstock with Uncle Butch then 5 days in the city for more foot pounding, picture taking and crying about prices.

Oh and I was just home in PDX for the weekend with the kids and a little job hunting.. Sucks.

The dust has settled but the air is merky...

2005-09-14T20:49:00.000-07:00

I wrote this on July 17th... I never posted it because I thought maybe I was being silly or D's family was just being maybe a little negative... I should have learned by now that instincts should always be followed...

+++++++++++++++++++++
I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the last couple of weeks..

So NO house. Fine. I understand your concerns and respect your decision. I dont have to like or agree with it but as your partner I respect it.

The constant confusion is so very difficult. I am very organized and methodical, I just dont work well under this kind of situation.

I talked to D's mom last night as I often do. We catch up and keep each other updated on the happenings of everything. She often provides me with personal advice and suggestions which I listen to and apply accordingly. Last night she ended our conversation with "I dont want you to get too comfortable, I just dont think he will ever see the forest through the trees" essentially she is saying push up your cuffs, tighten your laces and get ready to hike out... This is not the first time she has mentioned she believes D will never marry.. She goes on to explain that I shouldnt be giving him so much for fear I will get nothing in return. Who wants to hear this from their boyfriends mother?

I get off the phone, I call him. Told him what she said and asked him to validate her statement. He of course says totally invalid and that I shouldnt listen to her. WHAT??

I find it difficult to understand, how she can say these things about him not really knowing much about him and our life together. Then I find it difficult to understand how she couldnt know certain things about him and his personality.

It would be totally unfair of me expect more from him if I take her advice and stop buying D stock. I give what I hope for, I give 100% because I hope for 100%. Of course there is a breaking point in every relationship.

His family doesn't see us together, they never witness the loving part of us. They also have known him WAY longer than I have. His family loves me and my kids, They however dont believe in D's decision making ability unless it comes to his career. The cautions and red flags they throw out to me are becoming increasingly difficult to ignore...

Super sucks!!

2005-09-12T23:56:00.000-07:00

Every day is a new day agreed.

However, everyday isnt a good day. I woke this morning, alone in a house that I made a home. I looked around and in one of my tizzies I had packed everything that belongs to me, pictures, clothes, crafts, DVD's , CD's its all in boxes waiting patiently for our trip home. I was so sad, I felt like I was totally alone.

Sitting here looking at the entanglement of our lives is GUT wrenching, after what I went through with big M how could I allow myself to become so entwined? I just feel like I have to walk away, leave the petty stuff behind, like kitchen stuff and printer paper and blankets and everything that means NOTHING to me.

He and I are being good to each other, there isnt any anomosity its just hurt feelings and sadness for both of us. I love him and I cant turn that off like a switch, and he says the same. He just says he isnt ready to settle down tie the knot and be a family. He would like me to stay in Denver get a place of my own and just see... NO NO NO NO. I have been here 2 years, I have given nearly 3 years of my undivided love attention and support to someone that "isnt sure". ITS TIME FOR ME TO CRAWL BACK TO THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE ME AND STAND UP FOR MYSELF!! I honestly was suprised by the whole thing. I was sure that I would get a proposal by the end of the year, I just KNEW he was the one, He was my best friend after all!! Just like any wound this one will heal.

I want so badly to be angry at him. I feel very taken, violated if you will. I feel like he has known and didnt tell me for some time. My mind is swarming with wonders and whys and so many things I cant control.

If I could walk away and never look back, I would. But im sentimental. everything means something to me. I hold onto everything, for the littlest reason sometimes?!

AND I HATE JOB HUNTING!! Damn him!! lol

I love you Doug. Sorry. This sucks. I hope you look forward to your future as much as I look forward to mine. If you love me las much as you say you do.. you know where to find me, I will never leave again.

31 going on 13

2005-09-11T11:52:00.000-07:00

I dont know whats going to hurt more..

Moving BACK to moms house?
Starting ALL over?
Driving 24 hours to get to Portland to be at moms, jobless, starting over, getting over D.
Mending the hurt feelings I have caused.

I know whats going to be the best part..

Baseball games.
Soccer games.
Plays.
Starting over.
Making personalized valentines for the kids classmates.
5th grade
2nd grade
PCC, Radiology 101!!!!!!!!!!

Starting over seems very exciting yet very annoying. I get to buy all new things, that belong to ME, I get to choose the colors and size and where to buy it. I get to decorate and arrange and rearrange when I want and how I want. I can come and go as I please. The possibilities are ENDLESS! Annoying.. I have to start all over, What happened to my T-Fal? my silverware? I already bought this and that.. its all gone. I have to sleep alone now, I have no one to cuddle with and watch TV or read or take a nap... And what about that SEX stuff... UGH.

Its all good, I am looking forward to so much back home that the annoying stuff probably wont even be thought about. Lets hope.

My broken heart will mend over time!!

Lyrically challenged.. im not!

2005-09-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

Vocally challenged ... I am.

I am the grand master of lyrics. Well actually of changing up the lyrics to FIT my MOOD!!

For example if I feel like being a ROYAL bitch, and over the top sarcastic I change the lyrics to add obsurd sarcasm regarding real life issues I feel I am having and of course my FAVORITE curse word F*U*C*K..

One "GOOD" day, (few and far between it seems) D and I were driving from Portland to Phoenix, a Jewell song came on.. (D and I aren't particularly fond of her but I was so in the spirited "I love you so much, I cant stand you" time of the month) I changed the lyrics up as the song played, and really cracked myself up.. it was actually funny...

I hear the cars, it's 6 A.M.,
I feel so far away from Bend.
I got my knees up in my face.
Got my blankie, ev'rything but you.
I break wind and make a smiley face,I kinda like it in this little space.
Wipe the dust up off the dashboard,remembered I left my keys in the door.
I never put my garbage on the floor anymore, 'cause

(Chorus)Memories last so long,Even after you're gone.
I know, that you love me And soon you will see
You were meant for me,And I was meant for you.

I called the dahli lama, he was out on a rock.
Consoled an old girlfriend, but she just wanted to shop.
So I picked up a people, it was more bad news.
Bennifers hearts been broken and he feels used.
Put on my boots in the pouring rain.
I saw you staring, it put me to shame.

'Cause it was rude so I was sad
And it made me wanna punch you, oh, so bad.

(Chorus)

Go about my wondering, I'm going blind.
Besides, a-what would I say if I had the time?
Same old story everyday.
I brush my locks and leave my hair in the sick.
I know you hate it when I sleep with my socks on.
I picked up a maxim turned lights down, I took a deep breath and a good look through your phone.
Put on my pj's and hopped on the bed.
I'm 29, but I feel mostly dead.

I try and tell myself it'll be all right,I just shouldn't think about you anymore tonight.
(Chorus)
Yeah, you were meant for me And I was meant for you.

I have SO many of these little ditties, I will share more in the future!!

Road home is straight and narrow...

2005-09-05T23:03:00.000-07:00

So I am going home... Portland.

Denver, I dont love it. I dont hate it. Its just not home.

Its time, I dont want to be in Denver anymore. I have never fully adjusted to the point of feeling like this is home.

The only thing in Denver for me was D... And if D loves me like he says he does then D can come home too.

I came to Denver 12/2003 because I needed out, just out of a 9 year marriage that started fresh out of high school I hadn't grown up. Ive lived suburbia, I owned the house and cars and had the 2.5 children but it all happened so fast by the time I stopped spinning I didn't know who I was. I had an opportunity that allowed me to remain connected to my life in PDX. I had it all planned out. D took the job in Denver, I was only going to come out for 6-9 months. I came out and returned to PDX May of 04 stayed until August 04 couldnt find work in PDX so I came back to Denver where I had a job and didnt have to live with my parents.

Quickly and surely the webs were being woven and our lives were entangled. Whats his was mine and whats mine was his, purchases became joint decisions and we carried on like married folk. The house deal was dropped. I felt very betrayed and for some strange reason like my future wasn't as concrete as I thought.

D and I parting ways. He feels as though he needs to experience more and make a few mistakes in life before he settles down. In short, D has grown weary of our "playing house". He isnt ready to settle down become a father or step father, he isnt ready for "big boy" responsibilities, he owns EVERYTHING he has, holds absolutly ZERO debt and is only "33". I cant blame him. it hurts in SO many ways but I cant dwell on things I cant change, and I REFUSE to try to change something just so it suits me.

This has been a bigger struggle for me than I thought. I am losing My home, My best friend, my boyfriend, my confidant and a piece of my heart. Not to mention possesions, momentos, memories... I am leaving here with the clothes on my back, my car and my pride that I gave this relationship everything I had.

I am SO looking forward to going home. It will be hard for a while im sure. But there is more good than bad atthis point. It stinks that I cant be 100% independent immediatly but one thing at a time is good enough for me.

So the road home is straight and narrow.

Where I at??

2005-09-04T18:56:00.000-07:00

I wrapped up my last day at work on Sept. 2nd.

I finished Whores on the hill kindly recommened by lipgloss. Fun reading Thank You!

I have been on the injured list after D "lovingly pushed the envelope... He badgered me into going out for an after dark bike ride and I BIT IT!! All bad! Ouch!

I have been packing and prepping for my long drive home.

I bought a new car!!! One I love!! Crying about gas prices and being thankful I dont have to drive to work anymore but forgetting that I have to drive to Portland soon.

I have been planning my vacation to NY and semi planning our mid week jaunt to Chicago.. What an ASS pain!!

I haven't blogged because I truly have nothing inspiring or really much good to say except I am going home...

I will write more about the decision to go home later!

Welcome to Tempe

2005-08-11T15:40:00.000-07:00

"Watch out for the roaches, YES I now they are large mam just watch out for them."
" NO they dont bite, Just watch out for them. PLEASE dont step on them!"

" Are they the state animal? why not step on them? and why do I have to tip toe throught the damn airport incase there is a roach doped up on miracle grow with in my next step."

Whatever. I HATE ANYTHING that remotely resembles a BEETLE!!

The kids and I got into Sky hag around 10am saturday morning, we patiently waited to deboard our free flight to HELL until EVERYONE was off the plane. We even waited for the sleepers to be jolted awake by my daughter SCREACHING at her brother... "DOOOOOOOOOONT".

My day started with the anxiety of being a stand by passenger with 2 kids, 2 very bored, I have been through this routine and I am a preteen with a tudy tude kids... We get on the flight.. wooo hooo!!!

AMW notes:
Cpt looks like he WONT fit behind the "wheel" he is about 5'5" a GOOD 300 lbs, his glasses are thick and square and large like Phyllis Dillers. He seems to be breathing heavely.. Im nervous.

First Officer appears to be fesh out of... 9th grade. He has more pimples than my entire senior class, I think they were even on his fingers. Big bright toothy smile. Happy to be a pilot.

FA1: We named her Hortencia. Jet black hair to her knees, no bangs. Bright red lipstick. Pale witch like skin. Boog was scared of her. She spoke deep and frankly.

FA2: We named her Luquandreea. Boog appropriatly chose this name as she was IN CHARGE! "Y'all, Sit down nah. Hush up and hear up"... "Nahs im juss jukin". The booty matched the tude, "Serr, yous best set down. My cappan aint fudda tek off if alls is jumpin round da jet nah".. My son was CRACKING up... She asked him to "hush up nah" twice. She danced at one point. She gave her "rendition" of the flight deck rules and regulations...

My personal observation of my AMW flights is that Mesa Airlines doesn't SEEM to take pride in there "point man" most of the flight attendants are much less than traditional. I like to see the diversity but I also like to see paying customers be treated like this flight cost them 200 to 400 bucks. If I were a paying customer on these flights and I were talked to the way some of the FA's have been talking to people, I would probably be carted off by TSA.

The kids and I spent the day in PHX. We finally visited Ikea, this was my main reason for taking the earlier flight.

IKEA... what a place. Inexpensive in comparison to the OVERLY inflated cost of most shopping experiences. But what a friggen mad house. And why did they make the damn store a maze? I walked circles but these circles never go us back to point A. These circles led us straight to the cafeteria. Ok so the cafeteria, pretty good, well priced and kept the kids happy. Ikea was an experience. Maybe I shouldnt have gone on a saturday though.

IKEA parking lot. First off im not happy because I was forced into a maze of humans and cheap shit I couldnt buy because I couldnt get it home and my kids wanted everything. secondly im not happy because the Ford Focus I was supposed to be driving wasn't really a Ford Focus but a Kia Rio... and it was burnt orange!! I parked next to a fellow burnt orange vehicle, hoping they would be nice and not ding this shitty ass little rental because of course I would be charge for the price of the WHOLE car like $8995.00 or something. Kids and I retreat to ugly little freebie car and its so hot inside you can see the heat settling in the car. So I open the doors which of course are all manual because its a shitty car. And I turn on the AC to get it pumping.. OH and I had to manually roll down the F'n windows because AGAIN its a shitty freebie. I told the kids not to get in the car for fear I would be taken to bad mother jail. The women in the fellow ugly car starts hinking at me!!?? WTF bitch?? I look at her like whats your deal wench?? She doesnt bother to automatically roll her windows down but she YELLS obsenities at me through her very tightly sealed windows... I ask boog if he had dinged her car or something.. he says no! He and I are standing between her ugly car and my ugly car.. She starts pulling out as my son is standing there, then gets some courage to crack a window down and calls me a "BITCH"!! A passerby says "Welcome to Tempe" another says "people are crazy round here". Boog and I stand there like what the hell is going on here?? we turn around, he gets in the car and I start to. Crazy bitch comes squeeling in reverse, gets out of her car comes over to me NOSE to NOSE!! and says "YOU RUINED MY DAY"... I said "If you dont get out of my face and get back in your car I promise you I will make your day WORSE" the first passerby comes over to us as if to break it and tells the lunatic she is just that and to go away before he arrests her... She went away.

And it was HELLA HOT!!

Welcome to Tempe!!

Sam I am

2005-07-30T23:33:00.000-07:00

I was asked to participate in a "get to know you" the real you girls group...

Uh, I don't know any of these ladies, I mean no real disrespect but Who fuckin cares "who I really am" in the past I would have made up a bunch of fanciful crap and walked out of there laughing. I decided that this time I will be blatently honest and walk out of there laughing AT MYSELF!

So they asked to us to write down 73 things about ourselves that people couldn't/wouldn't guess about us.. The good bad and ugly..

I said"
1. Sorry folks I HATE dogs.. hate'em.. I would NEVER hurt one I just would never own one.
2. Dogs SCARE the PISS out of me!! Yes even the little pip squeaks!! Barker no BARKING!!
3. I married for the wedding and to be "SAVED"
4. I love to read true crime.
5. I don't like my brothers wife.. OH BOY!!
6. I don't like ice cream. or cookies.
7. I am overly critical but silently.
8. STUPID questions will make me BOIL with sarcasm.
9. I never reach my goals.
10. Sarcasm is my core. I think its hiding something though...?? hmm I will look into this with my monthly thoughts guru..
11. I RARELY have a period. no I'm not pregnant.
12. I am actually very smart.
13. I love silence
14. I love flip flops
15. I would drive a Volkswagen for the rest of my life... Even if it was the same one forever.
16. My family thinks I am horribly mean.
17. My boyfriends family thinks I am a godsend.
18. I dread the day (we've been dating 2.5 years) our families meet!!
19. I had an upbringing, nothing fantastic nothing notable really.
20. My most embarrassing moment was: PISSING my pants TOTALLY drunk my freshman year (I think) of highschool at a friends aunts house! oh wait and being buried up to my neck again TOTALLY drunk at the beach on spring break sophomore (I think) year.
21. I have been in love 3 times.
22. I lie on occasion.
23. I have cheated before.
24. Road trips are my ultimate dream.
25. I hate working...
26. I stole a package of barrettes when I was twelve. Security ran out after my sister and I, and I put the barrettes in her bag so I wouldn't get in trouble... (NO COMMENTS!! I was ONLY 12)
27. Seafood is my favorite.
28. I had sex for the first time at 17. and I hated it.
29. My biggest turn on is kindness. "honey.. go be nice to that old lady"..GRRR
30. I am a natural born investigator.
31. I can be mean and horribly mischievous! Sorry its true!
32. I name all my cats human names.. Ethel, Norman, Cleo, James, Tasha, Morris there have been many more.
33. I am 100% self conscious and uncomfortable with myself.
34. I can't stand my mother when we are in her home together.
35. I miss my brothers companionship now that we are all "grow'd" up.
36. I hate baby talk.
37. I think Natalee Holloway is dead... Sad but I think she is very dead. I hope her parents get the support and confirmations they are looking for.. You go Mrs. Twitty!! Don't leave that island until you can bring your baby home, dead or alive.
38. D has taught me more than I have ever anticipated.. I am really dumb about certain things in this world.
39. Divorce was one of the best things to ever happen to me.
40. Marriage was one the best things to ever happen to me.
41. I know now, what I didn't know then. And I am still young enough to use this information.
42. My kids think I am the BEST!!
43. I think my kids are the BEST!! and damn cute too!
44. I make shit up when I don't know.
45. Saying "I don't know" when I actually do is a bad habit.
46. I never engage in political, religious or opinionated conversation.
47. Strong but so VERY weak.
48. I could no joke ride my bike from Colorado to Oregon. I think my legs have endless energy.
49. I am OVERLY compassionate. I will give anyone anything I can if they need it!!
50. Suspicion keeps me BUSY!!
51. I am ADDICTED to MTV's The REAL WORLD.
52. I love a spotless house.
53. I am very creative.
54. I like to make homemade gifts rather than store bought.
55. I have obsessive compulsive disorder.. only in my kitchen and living room.
56. A mess living room and kitchen will INSTANTLY fire me up and ruin my day. Talk about SUPER BITCH!! its rather puzzling.
57. I once coerced a boyfriend into an online chat scam so I could catch him "trying" to cheat on me... well uhm with me.. I got him though girls!!
58. I love the sun.
59. I am HOLY in my prime... YEAH BABY!!
60. Ashley Judd.. yeah I like'er... her so purty an wholesome lookin'
61. Nicholas Cage makes me wanna punch him. I CANT STAND him!! dunno why!!
62. I am embarrassed to work out, more now that I lost 80lbs!!?? WTF!!
63. Beetles SCARE me to PIECES!!!
64. I don't wear ANY make-up.. never have
65. I always look in the car next to me when I am driving.
66. I have purposely wrecked into someone because he pissed me off.. YES purposely.. NO not an ex or anyone I knew..
67. I donned a Dorothy Hamill for years as a child.
68. I have a HIGH pain tolerance, I would much rather deal with pain that "just" happens than deal with pain inflicted by a doctor or from something predetermined.. Hence my ears aren't pierced.. YOU GO OPRAH!!
69..... Which brings me to, I wont do it... its to vulnerable of a position!!
70. I love Oprah, everything about her in fact. I wanna be like O.
71. I don't take advice, I do what I want.
72. I truly envy my brother.
73. Family is the most important thing in life. My heart aches for people that die lonely.

Who da thunk it. I feel so naked!

Prickly pairs

2005-07-29T12:17:00.000-07:00

A pure moment of FRUSTRATION!!

Nothing hacks me off like shaving for NO REASON!!

I can handle sleeping with me and my prickly pairs. So when I am solo I dont shave for days on end. When I am GIVEN an indication there could be room for interaction, friction, mattress dancing whatever you refer to it as, I dart as fast as I can to the shower for some personal "quickly shave, build up the pysche and tone down" time before I nonchalantly prance to my bedroom to read(I hear its seductive).

DAMN!!! I HATE that flippin internet!! Can we reverse back to the early 90's when it cost us per minute to use the F'n net?? Someday I will disconnect our internet service and act like I had nothing to do with it!!

Screen Cleaner

2005-07-26T09:12:00.000-07:00

This is provided by our IT team.

Screen Cleaner

Curiosity killed the cat

2005-07-26T08:35:00.000-07:00

I am an overly curious person. Don't mistake my curiosity as need and desire.

My high school crush... whoa BIG TIME.. like Miss Know it all I had the "weak knee, heart racing to the point I sometimes nearly cried" crush too. I was a serious mess, He was always so kind to me, spent a lot of time with me and my family, who wouldn't have thought he was perfect. He was liked by most and quite handsome I thought.. His "grill" was nice, he was always looking straight, I mean what's not to like.. LOL I'm kidding Sheri! He was a perfect gentleman at homecoming. Thanksgiving with the family. Hot mama LOVED him too (his nick name for my mom). He was gone one day. He didn't return to school, His aunt called me looking for him as he had often times stayed over at the "Nears", He wasn't here, I was worried, she was worried and hot mama was worried. Where in the world did he go?? I finally got the call, I remember preparing for the evening with Rocky as it was her birthday and she was in fact my best friend. He wanted to apologize and tell me "what's up". He decided to move to Cali to cut Christmas trees and load them on trucks with one of his uncles, then when the season has dried up he is heading for boot camp... I swear that was the last day of my innocent teenage life. I was a more than a mess I was totally HEARTBROKEN!! I waited and waited for cards and letters, I sat by the phone sometimes. I got 1 letter every 2 weeks from him. I ran home most days in case they came early and cried myself to sleep when they weren't there.
I got married in 1994, He called my mom in 1995 she gave him my number and address, he showed up on my doorstep, we spent the day reminiscing and laughing, I was STILL in love with this guy! At 31 now, I still have these letters, there is about 40 of them in airmail red white and blue envelopes all tied together with a rose he had given me for homecoming. He set my bar for love. I was madly madly in love with the boy!! Where is he today? He lives in New York, he went to West Point Academy (at least that's what he said) He was married the last time we spoke 5 years ago. I'm sure he is still HOT!!

Monique and Corrine Sutton, These girls lived in the same apartment complex as my family in like 1982. I just remember Monique was about a year older than me and Corrine was a year or so younger than me. I still have a picture of them sitting on a green transformer cover box with my sister Shawna. Corrine was wearing purple cords and a white tee with the sparkling rainbow applique on the front. Who are they now?

College Golfer boy, He was my post high school real boyfriend. I didn't really like him until well after we were dating. He was a few years older than me and was into the drinking and hanging with his buddies scene. But eventually I fell into the hard crush and want stage with him. We spent every Wednesday together, we went to a movie and dinner. He spent countless nights at my house, we spent countless hours watching movies and at least twice a week we went golfing, he taught me a lot. Towards the end of our relationship I was pulling out all the stops to be with him, I bought him Fred Meyer Challenge tickets thinking we would go together... NOPE he took his friend. His mom hated me, I wasn't the shining star from the burbs she would have hoped for for her precious only child. I mean I hated hummus and pepperoncinis weren't high on my list of pickled peppers oh and I wasn't into smoking pot. So it didn't work out, but I desperately wanted to keep in touch with him, I liked him. I talked to him just about 6 months ago or so, he is well and successful, married and happy!

These are the people I am most curious about.

Do I stay or do I go now...

2005-07-25T08:12:00.000-07:00

As I had mentioned a week or so ago...

The burbs are now out of the question, closing was to be tomorrow, earnest has been returned and D has LAID it out "We are not moving to the burbs... SORRY" DUDE!!! its not about the burbs.. Its ALL about the investment potential and to be able to live comfortably for the next couple of years.

The word in the house now is PDX... D wants to move home now. He went home last week, looking for property, looking through the neighborhoods we want to be in and comparing the investment values...

FINE!! PERFECT!! GREAT I am over joyed...ERRRR yeah right im no dummy.. Proof is in the puddin baby. Lets sign the note THEN I will pack!! Lets sign the note then I will cry with joy and start dreaming about paint colors...

Why I want to go home:
My kids and family...DUH!!
D's family
Organized cycling like the Bridge pedal, Midsummers night ride, STP
Best beer in US!!
Hour to the beach and Hour to the Mountain
Seattle day trips
Vancouver BC weekend
Hiking galore
Trees
Rivers
Lakes
I know where I am going
The gorge amphitheatre

These are some of my favorite things.. when the dog bites when the bee stings.. oh sorry I was singing the sound of music.. its probably not that joyous, I will have to work upon my return.. CRAP!! Lu?? You need an assistant? I LOVE GOLFING!!!

Phoenix needs me!!

2005-07-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

I know that I am only one person and it will takes MUCH MUCH more than me. Its also going to take the work of the possible victims.

I have a huge heart for people that suffer. I know the argument can be they need to help themselves too. VERY right.

In Phoenix homeless and elderly are dropping off like unneeded flies! I am overwhelmed with grief. I hate the idea that these people are dying from heat exaustion and noone knows their names even. Sad, sad, sad!

I NEVER give money. But without thought I will (no matter how late I can be for my own function) turn around to the nearest store for a gallon of cold water and crackers and hand it to someone that can use it. When my kids went to Holy Cross the school designated 1 day a month for the kids to do something "out of the ordinary for others", By my slight persuasion my kids chose to make a meal or give their leftovers (from a restraunt) to a homeless person. My kids were beside themselves with pride and guilt at the same time.

Phoenix, I guess in my mind I am wondering if there is just at least one company that could spend $100 to buy water and pass it out to people that need it. The airport employees better known as rampers working out in the sweltering heat taxi-ing the aircraft in... This is CRAZY. The crazy thing is yes Phoenix is the bastard of firey infernos but there are crazy records being set all over the country.

Today is Sunday, the kids are here and UNBELIEVABLY moaning about not having anything to do and complaining that they have to stay in the house... its nearly 1pm and already 100. So we sat down and talked about the homeless and decided we are heading to walmart to buy 20 gallons of water, my girlfriend is doing the same with her kids. We are heading to a local park where the only trees in Denver seemingly reside, and we are passing out the jugs with wash clothes for each. I know that I am only one person but what I do does count and will help some and undoubtedly be appreciated by someone even if it is just me and my kids.

I wont go back through my post and reread and correct, so sorry if I rambled and made no sense!! I've got to get my leotard on fasten my cape and save the day... da da daa...LOL

Suspicious I am...

2005-07-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

So as I mentioned previously, I finally decided to turn my wedding ring in to cash. It only has bad memories for me and I dont want to pass that along to my daughter so I snapped my (strangely pretty thin nice looking.. I get more compliments on my hands than any other part of me... maybe people are just trying HARD to be nice?? anyhow) Fingers and poof it was bid on!! I posted my AD on craigslist in hopes someone wouls proudly wear it not knowing its history and I could proudly shop on it knowing its history!! YEAH BABY!!! Momma is goin' shoppin!!!

So anyhow, I get this email and the man says I will buy it sight unseen.. YEAH your not fooling me pal whats up?? He wanted no pictures, no info just wants to send me a check and me send "the goods" tells me he works in Chicago at a medical facility but is currently touring his african and european offices.. OK fine.. I will do my homework while I patiently await my 2 day shopping spree fundage...

Lets see.. there is no D. Claus that works at said medical facility, there is no "offices" in africa or europe... So I then decide I need to play stupid because I am SO LOOKING FORWARD to shopping with an uninhibited desire!! I mean can you imagine spending 3 grand on yourself in one day?? after all that man put me through in 2002 at least I get to spend all the dough on me!! I write him back and ask for details on the shipment, he then tells me...LOLOLOL "my rep always send too much money so when you get the money orders please just deposit back into my eco card account" DING DING DING... dumbass you picked the wrong chick to try to pull one over on, not only am I NOT stupid enough to send you the "goods" without true and honest funds but I am certainly not stupid enough to cash your possibly fraudulant money orders into my meegerly positive checking account and wire transfer you the "excess".. HAHAHA..

If anyone is interested in reading one of these scams go to scambaiters these stories are hilarious and great revenge for these MASSIVE nigerian thieves!! I laughed for almost an hour at some of the crap they were pulling...

Anyhow I will report next week on my possible scam!!

Meet Bunky my funky unky...

2005-07-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

These faces crack me up!! Thanks Sheri!! They are so expressive and kinda look like me!!

I love'm. I could seriously just post an unky daily and not have to blog.

Thanks Unky people!!

Tropiglo Flower

2005-07-15T22:03:00.000-07:00

Tropiglo flower

Last year D and I traveled to DC. I liked it. In fact I loved it. I was absolutly fascinated by the botanical garden there. One evening the while the sun was going down the clouds were moving out, I saw superman. This cloud was unmistakingly Superman, his cape was waving, his right arm stretched out in flight right above the White House.

Juan De Fuca

2005-07-15T21:55:00.000-07:00

McRebeck

This was the first extension bridge we had come to in our 2 day 18 mile hike. This was only about 2/3 of a mile into the hike so I was still alive and well. My pack was 40+ pounds and a bitch on my back.

I made it with out complaint!

Un FUCKING believable!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-07-14T21:40:00.000-07:00

How does one SCREAM in a blog????

I sincerly feel like the worlds biggest jackass!!

HE CHANGED HIS FUCKING MIND AGAIN!!! I cant take it, I swear. I am literally 2 seconds from falling apart.

HOLY HELL!! Just when I thought all was safe and sound, YANK!! there goes the damned rug AGAIN!! I had my boxes out, we were closing in a week!! I changed my address at work.

He stopped the transaction. He JUST doesnt want to live 13 miles from what he likes best, even if its only 3 years, even if he is only home 3 days a week, even if its new and needs no work, even if it has $30K equity, even if he put $4k down and paid for an appraisal and a lock fee!!

HE PULLED THE PLUG!!

Sorry, I am frustrated, upset, confused and TIRED AS HELL!!

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Making a house my Home

2005-07-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

Ok all...
We have finally made a decision. We sat down and wrote down the pros and cons to each property.

Both of us said the cons for the burbs are not being close in to the activities and doings that we love and gas money higher taxes.

Cons to the little house in the city... 800 sqft, have to buy all new appliances and needs TLC left and right.

Pros to the Burbs... New no work needed, equity, 2100 sqft.

Pros to cute house in the city... smaller pmt, close in, 1/2 block from popular park.

I spoke to Brent last night and as you said racquel he and I are on the same page. INVESTMENT INVESTMENT INVESTMENT then comfort.

I cant wait to go home to Portland, I cant wait until we get to house hunt for what we WANT all around! D's parents own a house on NE Schuyler in the grant park/lloyd district. Its an old victorian and it has been 100% refinished from the inside out all original except the technology of course, but we love it. We dont want something quite so big but we would love to refinish something like it someday, I look forward to coming home more and more.

Thanks for all your comments and advice.

I think I can, I know I can...

2005-07-11T08:43:00.000-07:00

I am a pretty decisive person.

I make decisions pretty quickly unless it involves mathematics and I need to "run the numbers" or if I am making a strategic decision of course.

D on the other hand CAN NOT make a decision to SAVE HIS LIFE!! We are in the 3rd week of waiting to close because he has not come to a decision on whether he really wants to buy the suburban digs. As y'all or most of you know D and I are both from Portland, born and raised, met there love it there and will go home with in the next 2-5 years. With that being said, I feel we should JUST buy an investment here, albeit and investment we can live in comfortably. So the Suburban cookie cutter with 30K equity already seemed like a clear choice. However its not our lifestyle, we like to be near parks and quaint little restraunts (I can NEVER spell this damn word) and walking distance to libraries and events and so on... like the lloyd district!! Ok so the new house is 14 miles out and in the middle of literally NOTHING. Its a new golfcourse community, our house is only 1 of 3 out of about 400 new homes, I thought was a plus myself.

Ok so anyhow, we are getting ready close and he is nearly CRYING that he just doesnt want to compromise our QUALITY of life, which I understand completly, but we arent so far aaway that we cant drive our bikes in for a day and ride to these new eateries and library and the parks!!

Then he gets gung ho and says yeah your right lets just buy it and sell it in a few years go home and buy what we WANT!!

Then the cycle pulls through again.

Whats a girl to do? Im afraid he will be this way about marriage too!!! Actually I know he is!

So I am frustrated and confused AGAIN!!

I think (seriously) confusion scares me to death. I hope that doesnt mean I am controlling.

D and I

2005-07-04T09:38:00.000-07:00

Ok so I fell asleep last night thinking about my previous post about D and I.

My conclusion, yes sheri you are right I need to be thankful for who I have. I am guessing its more of a fear than not being thankful at this point.

Marriage... Although I am a divorcee it means alot to me. I want to marry the man that I promise to spend the rest of my life with loving respecting wanting helping and being happy with. And I want the same from him.

D is great, as previously mentioned he is my best friend and he makes me very happy. But like any person in the world he has his downfalls. Thats my unconditional part, even though he doesn't buy cards or flowers or birthday presents on my birthday im actually cool with that (mostly) and I wouldn't leave him for that.

OK SO I ADMIT I am terribly jealous!!! This is my big issue!! My fear of repeat.

I won't try to justify it... BUT I have been through a HORRIBLE experince and I have some anxieties now days. I agree with alot of people it isnt D's job or duty to stroke my fears with commitment, I have tried several methods to "release the demon" or this burden and just move on. I have been 90% successful. I just have to kick the last 10% of it, and im guessing it should be soon!!

Keeping up with the joneses

2005-07-03T23:04:00.000-07:00

I undoubtedly love D. He is 100% my best friend, I am who I am and always should have been with him. I love him MOSTLY unconditionally... of course I WONT tolerate cheating nor will I forgive if ever it should happen.

We have been talking about our future and where we each want it to go and common goals and blah blah blah. We are so very on the same page... SWEEEEEEET!!!

Ok but, I can't help but to do my little pros and cons test, and I cant help but to compare and analyze and overthink... I KNOW SHERI!! but I cant help it, it just happens. I need more vitamins I think...lol

My great guy is a great pilot too. He loves his career, he loves his duty. He is no 9-5'er. I hate it. For a while I thought bitchen'... I have all this independence, I come and go as I please, I have learned to live alone for the first time and still have him. Ok good and well and all... but things are turning into "suburbia" My honey doesn't come home after work tonight, I am eating alone again. I am thinking I don't like it anymore. I miss him. I hate sleeping alone 4 nights a week. I hate that he works weekends and I DONT!! I hate that he is home during the day during the week while i'm working. I have to mow the lawn while busy bettys husband acrossed the street mows her lawn as she is cooking him dinner!!

Can I do it? can I live like that again? Sure I love him but I need to be happy and fulfilled. I cant blame him, he has been in the industry WAY before me. I wouldnt never ever ask him to choose either.

Why have all the men in my life been non traditional?

And besides buddy passes SUCK!!!!!!!!

craigslist

2005-07-03T22:52:00.000-07:00

I love it.

I love craigslist for alot of things.

When im bored and need a good laugh I read missed connections or the OBSURD ads on one gender lookng for another or one gender looking for the same gender or Horndogs looking for a hookup anywhere they can get it... ICK!

Mostly I use craigslist to find good deals like concert tickets, furniture, free fill dirt or free gravel for my NEW YARD!! I have found events and cheap bikes for my kids..

I recently posted on craigslist... I have been in Denver for over a year and have made little to know friends.. So I posted an ad to build a group of gals to play Bunco a dice game that requires 12 players.. So I did and none of knew each other and we mer last month for our first game... It was fun and exciting to meet all the ladies my age-ish and learn about them and hang out, drink and eat and laugh.

I also posted my wedding ring. I decided its no longer needed accept for the money. It has no meaning and I wouldnt dream of giving something with no meaning to my daughter like everyone thinks I should.. Its gotta bring home the bacon baby!!

Anyhow go check it out www.craigslist.org or you can type in www. (your city).craigslist.org

Where in the world is my Emmy?

2005-06-27T09:57:00.000-07:00

10

How did this happen so fast? Holy smokes!!

I don't really recall where I was puberty wise when I was 10 but I dont think I had developed or had "big girl" hair!!!

I was forced into the "Care and keeping of the body" with her this weekend. I HATED IT!! I had to show her how to shave for the first time, Deodorant, cleanliness and freshness. She has little bitties starting to sprout so we bought her a few bras.

THE BIGGEST change I have noticed is the "TUDE". Good golly I know I never gave that much tude!! Man she is testy and moody and definatly NON athletic, miss thing has no interest in exercise or bodly movement at all. We rode out bikes about 15 miles and she was pissed and nearly in tears!! LOL.

She left for a week long camp this morning, I dont know if she had tude because it was 7am or because I promised to french braid her hair and didn't or because she was nervous. She got on the bus, sat down looked around, knocked on the window with tears in her eyes and said bye. I about fell apart but knew that she would be fine. She then got off the bus came to me and said no one will like her or play with her because she was the ONLY white kid... I felt bad on one hand but also thought diversity isn't going to kill her. I sent her away with a hug and a kiss and a camera!

Emmy:
Blonde
Blue Eyes
THANK GOD tall!!
Perfect teeth
Girly girl
Ugly toes
Cute smile and sense of humor
Sweet kind kid!

We love you sissy, hope you have a great time!!

Weekenders

2005-06-27T09:46:00.000-07:00

Oh How I love my weekends.

So the kids are here, we are all getting settled in. The changing of the rules... this in itself was a whole weekend adjustment. Emmy thinks because she is 10 and "parts" are changing that she can stay up til a half past the butt crack of dawn... NAH!! Boog thinks because he flew on an airplane to get here that he is on vacation... NAH!

Dumb Dumb Daddy sent boog with 12 pairs of jammies NO shorts 1 yes my friends 1 friggen pair of pants and 10 nasty ass t-shirts and so me old ratty airwalks. Ok yes my baby has morphed himself into skater boy, which in itself is fine but no sketer boy of mine will look like a skater boy from the hood. So none the less we had to go shopping. $160 later we came out with 2 shorts, 5 shirts. 2 shirts for emmy and a pair of shorts for emmy. Oh and Mommy got capris and 2 tops... Pretty good!! Love Old Navy for casual wear.

So now I really have to cook too. I forgot that kids need to be fed at leat 3-4 times daily. Odd I only eat 1-2 times daily. They throw shit on the floor and eat with fingers. How quickly I had forgotten all that.

This weekend, we shopped and barbqued rode our bikes 15+ miles.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

2005-06-22T14:51:00.000-07:00

Dear X...

Sometimes I HATE you like uncooked liver, yes that means I want to BARF whenever I see you!

Sometimes I want to be your friend. Catch phrase SOMETIMES!

Most of the time your as much of a thought as the tiny particals I breath everyday. Good right?

Almost never do I think we could have made it work. Yes that means the thought has crossed my mind. albeit in a state of utter misdirection of emotions.

Alot of the time I think your an asshole, a jerk, cruel and I mean nasty mean cruel... like last spring when you and your dad hired someone to lift my car and transport it back to Oregon so you could sell it for the money, knowing full well I was awarded the car in the divorce. Mean and gross!

From time to time I think you are a good person. And from time to time I think you mean well.

90% of the time I think you are CHEWING off your own nose to spite your face! You carry so much nasty nasty bitterness that I cant understand. And I dont have to.

YOU did it... you chose your path. I tried. I stayed. I worked on it. It didnt work. I stopped. I left. Its pretty simple as I see it.

Why in the world are you bitter and nasty with and to me? Cant you see that my choice is best for all of us?? Would it have better for me to stay , and us to argue in front of the kids or even not in front of them but to dispay a seperation to them?

My advice to you:

GET OVER IT!! its been 3 years, I am happy. You cant control any of this. Stop being mean and nasty and carry your own guilt now! I didn't commit the crime so im NOT going to do the time.

I am over it and hope we can move forward as Co-Parents! I know you are a good person but you are trying to hard to be a jerk.

Please keep in mind, Our kids will know all of this someday. I will play the quiet role for now in the interest of protecting their innocence and trying to provide them with the most stable environment as possible under the circumstances. You will have to answer for all of this someday. Protect yourself, we can salvage a civil relationship still!

Signed... The wannabe slim shady

Movin' on up...(please say it with the tune)

2005-06-20T16:54:00.000-07:00

Ok I am so stoked that my HARD work is paying off!!!

We have been house hunting for about a month now. Mostly me, as D has very little time for this sort of thing. I have spent many a days off with dave the realtor. In fact many sick days with Dave.

So I found a STELLAR deal!! its a 3 bd 3 ba 2100 sqft house not including the basement. Its brand new, in the Murphy Creek golf course community. It has hardwoods throughout the kitchen and bathrooms the entry way and laundry room. Granite countertops and top o the line cabinetry. The master bedroom has a "master retreat" attached to it. Its really rather worthless I think but it adds value and the 2 rooms are divided by a 3 sided fireplace.. whoa. The master bath has a "garden tub" a stand up shower and a toilet room, walk in closet of course.

So anyhow thats what I have been up to. As you can tell I am stoked, maybe a bit nervous about the idea of a binding agreement with OUT the real binding agreement a SPARKLY left hand adornment!!

Anyhow if y'all want to see my new digs I will post soon.

Wish there was an Ikea here!! UGH!!

Over the hill

2005-06-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

My brother and I have been talking alot lately as D and I are buying a house. He tells me my parents are going to buy a house for the 1st time ever. This brings mixed emotions, We have lived in the white house at 7207 Syracuse for 20 years. I know I dont live there anymore but my bedroom does, my memories do and my parents do. I know that its way to much house for just them. But what that realization is bringing me is that my parents are getting older. I am excited for them also. Their 1st house. Theirs!!! GREAT!! I have already owned 3!! And this is their first, she can do what she wants, she can paint and have animals and 1 floor. I am proud of them.
I am in the mortgage industry, just like Brent. I know how it all works I just don't get the loan he does. D and I are getting a 5 year ARM interest only, we have a specific reason for that and it works for us. Brent is getting our parents a 30 year fixed INTEREST ONLY.... uh?? huh?? they will never own it!! Brent says this is best for them. Ok you know best your the broker im not. Why though? He says mom and dad will not survive another 30 years so why not let them live comfortably by paying as little as possible. He doesnt want them to pay principle on something that we the kids dont need after they are gone. Ok I agree and understand now.
In 30 years my parents will be 90 or fast approaching. I understand now but I have never really stopped to realize this fact. My grandpa died at 74 I was a sophmore in high school. It was tough but I understood. This has caused me alot of grief the last few days with the random thoughts I have had about their potential passings.
As we all know my mom has gone through a medical nightmare my high school days. With heartattacks and broken legs.. Dad has always been healthy until the last couple of years. My mom is like a horse she seems to survive everything. I am worried about my dad though.

Sniffler and the loud mouth

2005-06-14T07:38:00.000-07:00

I love my job... I hate working like most normal human beings. Who wouldn't want to stay home watch Dr. Phil, Oprah, Days of our lives (although I haven't watched in 8 years) TLC and all those good channels with so many good ideas!!!

Boss man is out of town!! Hooray!!

The level of excitement around here is showcased in people sleeping at their desks and blinds drawn... I sadly spent my whole 8 hours on 1 project that normally would take me 3 hours, How in the world did I stretch it out??

But I have to tell y'all 'bout the sniffler and loud mouth!!! OH MY GOD!!! BLOW THE FUCKING thing!!!!!!!!!! UGH I hate repition of annoyances!!! SHUT THE HELL UP!!! blow your damn snout and wipe it. The thing I hate most its a DRY SNIF!!! the sound of a dry snif is like brushing a hairbrush across a blackboard!!! NO I CANT TAKE IT!! The Sniffler is a nice lady with "issues" she is 40 something and a bitter ex wife/cat lady. she has curly bozo red hair wacky ass shape I wont bother to describe because she herself doesnt bother me. She comes into my office and says " I have been dating 56 for 61 days now, he hasn't made any sexual advances to me. Is this weird?" Uh... YEAH!! ITS WEIRD YOUR TALKING TO ME ABOUT IT!! No I cant be on that girlfriend talk about sex and periods and shopping with you level. OK so in my attempt to be civil after she sniffled 3 x, I said maybe he is just trying to be a gentleman, ya think? Oh boy!!

Now the loud mouth comes to visit the sniffler about 3-4 times daily, she is new to the company and I DONT know anything about her except for her appearance and level of vocal spirits!! She is SO loud, as if to announce "I am here, look at me, hear my story, I promise its sad" She is about late 30 something I would guess but have a strange suspision she is much younger. Her first day she cried about her daughter ahving an asthma attack and how they spent 3 days in the hospital... Ok im sorry you went through that could you shut my door? you're closer than I am... Thanks!! She is eager to be liked and fit in so she brings donuts daily and pop...

Someday I will spend my days watching what I want, listening to whom I want and shopping when I want!!!

In a nutshell

2005-06-13T17:18:00.000-07:00

I married young, I had my first born shortly after still young. I bought my first house shortly after that. I had it all, I had the man the baby the house and the cars. And I was proud, so proud that I had it all so young!!!

But I forgot to grow up, I didnt learn to love.

I HATED him not because he was him but because I didn't love him, I didnt admire him, I didn't want him or need him. I built a resentment on top of the fact that I was being forced to grow up by choices I made. I resented myself.

I loved him as a person a fellow human, as family, as daddy. I loved his smile and good nature and his willingness to be positive. I loved that he tried.

We grew more and more resentful of each other. He knew I didn't love and respect him the way a woman should love her husband. I knew he loved me and would try if I just gave him the go ahead. I felt stuck in a life I didnt want to be in, I didnt know how to be a wife let alone the wife that he needed. Im not outwardly affectionate and open.

After moving out of state for a period of time we became closer and I felt like I was learning to love. After all I didnt want to destroy a family over my own selfishness, ignorance or unwillingness to divert from my past. Alot of internal battling myself to grow up. I wasn't a bad mom, in fact I was a good mom and loving to my kids. I just didnt know how to love him.

The next few years were a work in progress. I finally chose my husband over my family. we moved once again out of town. We were seeing eye to eye, we were happier than previous years, we were ready to be a unit and work as a team. So I thought!

I was a stay at home mom with a part time job to help pay for the leisure and weekends. A part time job that allowed me free time and time to be creative. I started working out and thinking about the future, I decided to go back to school. I registered at Clark and was looking forward to classes starting.

The monkey wrench... I fowled up the routine. I came home from work early to get more supplies for a client I was working on a big project for... The sounds I heard that day on May 3rd 2002 at 10:43 am were sounds that will haunt me possibly forever. It was every wifes worst nightmare. I was horrified, confused, hurt, happy, sad I didn't know how to react. I stood there speechless, no emotions.

I left the house, I picked up my kids and carried on with my life as nothing had happened. I became paranoid, suspisious, scared, the victim, obsessed. I was being forcd to face myself. This was my turning point. Who was I? Who was I supposed to be? Who will my kids be? Why did things turn out this way? Am I alone? Do I want to be? What do I do now? How do I do it? Can I do it? Why did he do it? Is it my fault? Do I blame him?

I spent the next 6 months wondering what, who, why and how. Totally out of the blue, I woke one day and decided I wasnt who I wanted to be and I had to change my life to be me... I hated that I was going to destroy my family and have to do it alone now. But I was finally ready to do it. I started school, I was doing well. I moved home and started over.

Its now 3 years after that day. I am totally in love with D. I can make independent decisions, I enjoy my kids, I enjoy being in love, I am proud that I finished what I finished in school. I get excited about adventure, about the future.

I watched a program about suppressing feelings and how it will come back oneday in one way or another. I fell apart, I bawled, I questioned, I felt horrible and didn't realize it hurt so bad. I was to busy trying to be strong and independent and to put it all behind me that I never faced it.

So I have and it happened and im over it. I have always lived by the idea that everything happens for a reason and it happened for a reason. I have learned from it. I dont hate him, I feel sorry for him and sorry that I wasn't a better wife in the begining but I never deserved what I got. Im sorry he has to live with it for the rest of his life.

Happily ever after.

Insert foot

2005-06-13T16:07:00.000-07:00

I almost feel like I have stuck my foot in my mouth. Like I said something that was misinterpreted not because people read it wrong but because I have a knack for communicating what I didnt think of first...

I know that we have all grown up and taken different paths. I of course miss the freedom of being a child/teen and having those uninhibited fun times and being stupid together. I didn't mean to solicite a girlfriends revival session, I was more making a statement that it would be fun to get together and see how we have each grown up and who we have become. reminise and laugh about it all.

R, our friendship was so important to me, I will never forget any of the times we shared either. We were so close for those few years and it just seemed to go away shortly after high school. Which is very understandable. You went one way I went the polar opposite. You are very right, I miss the you from back then. I dont know the you now. I am naturally curious about the you now and D and how you guys are and so on. Your blog feeds my curiousity, its nice to be able to read about you and know that your well.

Lu, I know that you and I were never close. I always considered you a friend, and like any of my friends would have done anything for you. I love reading your blogs and am as curious about your life as I am others. I admire that you are still who you have always been... Strong, independent and determined. I remember in high school when you decided to convert.. I remember my personal opinion and I remember admiring that you didnt seem to give a rip what others thought and you were going to do what you wanted to do because you believed in it. I HATED that you had the boy I had the secret crush on...lol. Oh High school I am glad its gone. So rock on Lu!!

Know it all, you meant the world to me. I always trusted you with everything I had. You were always there if/when I needed you. I remember all those nights staying with you while big Al was over seas or working nights. I always admired you.Thank you for being a part of my wedding and being a phone call away when I spit out an 8 pounder. I can say I am very proud of your determination and hard work at becoming an attorney.

I know I could never have the relationship with any of you that we once had. I wouldnt want to either. Im not that person anymore nor do I want to be. I know your all doing well in life and as always are strong.

Bloggity blog blog

2005-05-31T19:58:00.000-07:00

I have had this "blog" for over a year now. However, I didn't start really enjoying it until early this year. I did a search online for a friend that had a baby in December , her newbie had a white tongue and I knew what it was but couldnt remember the name of it so blah blah blah I went online and did a search for "Thrush" as I thought thats what it was called.. so anyhow I did my search and came across a blog called "Thrusher" in this entry this person was talking about a Luwanna. I thought there probably isnt alot of Lu's in the world so I read on and she mentioned Portland and banking and all these things then I saw she provided a link to this Luwanna blog. I read Luwannas blog and it was the Lu that I know. which lead to a "ms know it alls" blog, this was a more anonymous blog but I read as the blogs were interesting and funny. I finally realized this was one of my closest friend sin high school in fact she was a brides maid in my very 80's esque wedding...lol. I loved stumbling on all this. I learned the new life of my old friends. I learned that we are all still, bottom line, from St. Johns and that even if we live there or not we are from there and the majority of our memories were born there.

Being far from "home" and so very disconnected from my previous life, reading these blogs of my once high school pals is SO inviting. I have made new friends in my life but I have 1 tenth of the circle of friends now than I had in high school.

I miss you guys. I miss the silly uninhibited fun we had. I miss the stupid crap we did. I miss the fact that I went a seperate way than you guys did, that we didn't keep in touch. Maybe one day we can all get together and be silly and fun for a weekend or maybe do something more grown up and travel somewhere together.

Glad to hear you are well and healthy.

I'm lovin' it!!

2005-05-28T19:00:00.000-07:00

Denver is growing on me.

D and I spent the day house hunting. HOW DRAINING!! Denver is SO expensive. We are looking in a neighborhood equivelant to lloyd district. Beautiful older renovated homes. BUT lloyd district the homes are HUGE here they are 1 bedroom 1/2 bathroom bungalows about 600 sqft!!?? WTF? How do I make that house a home for $450K?? UGH!! Now when D goes to work monday and I have the day off I will e looking at the more reasonable homes in Parker and highlands ranch areas which are equivalent to rock creek beaverton or the couv... I can buy a $300K house that has 5 rooms 3 bathrooms and a full basement...

Things seem to be meshing well and falling into place. So far 31 is feeling really positive, like I finally know who I am and which way I am going...

Im Lovin it.

I feel very content and sound. I miss people and things but I am calm and collected about it. no more panick.

Lately though I have been reflecting alot on my late teen years. What happened? I have wondered what happened to all the girls I ran around with and why I went the direction I did and so on.

Hmmm

Birthday Low down

2005-05-26T09:22:00.000-07:00

OK so I am a big baby.

I had a very exceptional birthday this year. My co-workers bought me chocolate covered strawberries a caramel apple a bouquet of flowers and gave me $50 to spend on myself. Very thoughful!! I was suprised and appreciative.

D gave me (a week later) an I-Pod dock and a gift card(hasn't given to me yet) for he says Old Navy... No card. We are currently house hunting though. which I am considering part of my birthday present. hehe.

Mom gave me $50 and kids made me little goodies and gave HUGE hugs.

All in all I had a wonderful birthday.

Name that tune

2005-05-25T12:47:00.000-07:00

I just spent the weekend at home in PDX. which in itself was great!!

But the tunes are changing... and I cant name them!!

I got in wednesday night after 1am stayed at my friends place. she drove me home where I got to see my dad laid up on his back for the last 4 weeks and for the next 8 weeks to come. He looked sad and of course bored to death. Then my aunts M and C show up at my parents house with McDonalds.. they are there chomping away on my dads favorite lunch of all time telling us how mom is in Oakland Ca in a hospital after she possibly had a heart attack... BY GOD what the hell is going on??? M says Kaiser is asking that one of her children fly down to be with her?? of course becca has time.. WAIT A MINUTE I just FLEW IN!! im not flying back out less than 12 hours after I got in.. I know it sounds crass but.. WHY cant BRENT do it?? So I call mom she says no one has to come they released her and she is on the next flight home!! PHEW!! Now back to why the chomp chomp sisters couldnt bother to call dad to see if he was hungry or wanted any food?? UGH!!! I was pissed!

To the tune of the ex spouse... everyday is a new day for him somedays he sings songs I can understand and appreciate and others its like METALLICA screaming bloody murder and mumbo jumbo I cant comprhend!! Today I pick up my kids at daycare, X is supposed to call because boog has a ball game... IM NOT ALLOWED at the x's house (I may destroy it) so he asks me to wait in St. Helens at a taco bell or something while he figures out if the game has been cancelled or not. Ok FINE!!!!!!!!!! game time is 5!! DICKHEAD didnt call. it is now 5:15 I tell emmy lead me to your dads house!! I get to his doorstep he walks out fat and happy, I asked about the game he says game is on.??????????UGH WTF!!!! I hate him I swear! we get to the game and his tune changes again... he is polite and talkative?? PISS THE HELL OFF!!!!!!! game over!! thats the name of my tune!!

D flies in friday disturbed that he is "wasting" his time off coming back home to portland for 2 weddings!! OK dont let me hurt you please!! You do not know what I am capable of!!! Anyhow we go to Kellies wedding. its beautiful and elegant and very McGarry!! D was floored not only has he not been to a wedding but has not even heard of weddings like the kind my family has! by midnight the party is just getting started, there was more beer than the T-Room... we go to wedding #2 it is short sweet and no booze no cake no nothing... poor D is no baffled, whats a wedding supposed to be like?? I explained to him over and over again that every wedding is different. Now for D's tune, he has been singing the praises of waiting and "figuring" out if we are right for forever commitments... Now the tune has changed! "he cant" be without me. "he loves" me more than anything. he wants this and that.. but there is no ring. D is not one for being the center of attention and doesnt like to be in crowds.. so we both agree that if and or when we get married we will have a wedding in Europe somewhere. very small. very intimate. very unlike my family...

I feel like I am in a state of confusion like organized confusion though...

I need to find time to write a positive blog!!!

List lover

2005-05-16T14:24:00.000-07:00

I love'm.. I love lists, I have them everywhere. I dont know why because I never use them.. I always forget them.

So here is a list of things I love:
Oregon.
Family.
D and his family.
Desperate Housewives.
Oprah.
Dr. Phil.
Twix.
Odwalla berrier B Drink.
Purple, but I wouldnt wear it.
Biking.. mountain and road biking.
My kids names.. and of course my kids.
My birthdate.. not the celebration of the birthday but the date. weird I know.
love naming my animals human names like norman and ethel.
love the colors Brown and Blue together.
Clean lines and straight edges.
Scrapbooking.
Crafts.
Children.
Traveling.

I am so sure there is plenty more but...

Finger tingles

2005-05-13T22:34:00.000-07:00

Im sure everyone reacts to trauma, scare, change, pain differently.

When I am any of the above my fingers and arms tingle. Kind of a painful tingle actually.

Emotion is so very difficult for me. I dont like to cry. I dont like to be loud. I dont like to yell or be yelled at. I DONT LIKE CHANGE. Somehow I didnt realize that my life is ALWAYS in constant change. Things seem to sneak up on me, it scares me. I dont like it when things change and I cant change it back and worse is when I have to accept the change that I didnt want or ask for it. I wasn't taught growing up to be lovey and huggy and kissy. I have learned more about that stuff in the last 7 years.

I have found that my lack of emotion has hurt many people. Hurt my marriage. Hurt my friends, family and suggested to outsiders that I dont care. I DO CARE! Im not mean, and I dont hurt people intentionally. But when it does happen I tend to get defensive instead of fishing in my overflowing bag of sorry words.

My being away from family and friends, rather isolated some 1500 miles away has forced me to acknowledge this flaw. Yet I still do it and KNOW it.

I am so extremely sensitive. I get the tingles alot lately. Every little thing hurts my feelings. I dont understand how I can feel the least bit sorry for myself. I havent lost a loved one, im not going through a divorce. My kids love me unconditionally as does my family. Every little thing makes me tingle, I will bawl at nothing. I read emails from my cousin telling me I need to come home, she misses me. I bawl. My best friend is going through a divorce 4 months after she has a baby. I bawl. Dad was in the hospital, he is ok and will be ok. but I bawl. My brother is rotting away in prison. I bawl every time I have to talk to him. I know some of these things.. alot of these concerns are "bawlable". I dont feel so strong anymore...

I was always thought of as so strong and outspoken, I can be. I dont know, but I dont think I want to be! I dont want to stick up for myself, I dont want to be a mean old spinster.

I hate when I feel like the bad days outweigh the good days. I know they dont but people notice the bad days like they are a disease...

Its just a bad day im not mentally diseased.

Picker no picking!!

2005-05-12T14:35:00.000-07:00

EWWW!!

I totally understand nose picking... Sometimes it has to be done!! I know this!!

Why do men feel its OK to pick anytime anywhere to any depth?? UGH!!!

I have a busy job, I normally dont take time out of my busy little day to notice much of anything. I stay in my office for no less than 8.5 hours per day. I mean its truly rare that I leave my office. So I did today, the mood all around was rather light and cheery so I thought I had better go see what the buzz is all about... I trail through the office space smiling and being pleasant. I rather enjoyed myself after having an Un-Happy pity party for myself on behalf of my 31st. UNTIL... HE DID IT!!

I stopped in my tracks and stood there dumb founded!! I mean seriously who does that? in public not only really in public where you may never see these people again by there in our office space where SOMEONE IS TALKING TO HIM!!! UGHHHHH!! He was full on 2 knuckles up and talking eye to eye with a co-worker... UNBELIEVABLE!!! I had to be crass. I just had to. I stopped, I stared for a moment.

I asked "why?'
why what?
why would you blatently dig while talking?
because I need to
Do you think its gross? or unpleasant?
he says "It could be to pretentious people"
HA are you saying I am?
maybe..
well think again Diggin don

I know I know it was terribly rude of me, I just couldnt help it. I have been so non "NOPO" here I had to say something, and yes I suppose I could have been more professional and polite but it just wasn't in me today!!!

Boss man walks in shuts my door... I was bright red because I knew I may have embarrassed him at this point. IM SO kinda sorry..ish!!

Why did you have to say something to him?
Very sorry now. im not sure. by the time I was in that frame I couldn't hold back
I was so utterly grossed out I couldnt help it sorry.
Chuckles from Chuck McChuckles.... please in the future hold back..
Look im sorry please send a company wide memo explaining to people that along with deodorant, clean clothes and a hairbrush come NO PICKING in the office space!!
more chuckles from the mcchuckler.
Let me explain to you in Colorado its so dry here things get sticky so we have to picky...
Ok Listen chuckles I know this, I live here too. However if I feel a pick comin on I excuse myself to the restroom.

Happy Picking Diggin Don. I will be sure to pitch in my $5 for your birthday towards some kleenex and nasal spray!!

Un-Happy Birthday

2005-05-12T09:54:00.000-07:00

I swear I hate my birthdays!! I love everyone elses but mine...UGH!! why?? I expect so much yet I expect so little.

On my 30th birthday last year I spent the day TOTALLY alone, NO ONE called, no cards no nothing I swear im not even exagerating.. D dropped me off at the airport that day, I sat at the airport from 10 am until my flight was supposed to leave at 3pm (I went early because D was my ride and he had a flight at 11:30) So at 2pm I go to the ticket counter to get my ticket and the man tells me I AM A DAY EARLY!!! WTF?? UGH why? why on my 30th of all days!! So I scramble around the airport trying to figure out how to get home early or go back to my little lonely apartment!! Early flight home $120.00 additional... Taxi back to apartment $50.00... Bek bawling At DIA for 2 hours pissed off for too many reasons PRICELESS!!

I am normally always very thoughful and generous with my family and friends. I never want anyone to be dissapointed so I try to do something I think is special. I make handmade gifts or buy something I know is really thoughtful. I like how it makes me feel to make others happy, suprised and thought of, becuase I know how it would make me feel.

On my birthdays I never expect this in return but I guess deep down hope for it. And when I dont get anything at all I feel let down. I just think my birthdays stink!!

At work, whenever it is someones birthday the crew sends around the manilla envelope with the card inside to sign asking for $5-10 (from 30-40 people let me mind you) so that the day of the birthday the birthday person gets a really nice gift and a baskin robbins ice cream cake.. No one has asked and I havent told anyone my birthday is coming up. I am secretly jealous? I dont know I HATE MY BIRTHDAY!!

D says he just isnt good with birthdays and holidays and its like pulling teeth to get him to even acknowledge these events. So I stopped reminding and dropping hints.

As long as my babies acknowledge it I am SO much happier. I always get handmade gifts from them that I will never throw away no matter how hideous they are!!

So Happy Crappy Birthday to me. LOL

PS I have been in bitch FEST mode lately!

Waitress at life's cafe

2005-05-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

I have recently realized that everyday is a new day a new opportunity and new beginning. Quite amazing that at 30 years old this is news to me. Well its not really news I guess its more of a stark realization.

I have never been alone, I have never had to take care of just me. I never really wanted to. I have always had people around me.. ALWAYS.

In highschool I had an awesome circle of friends, I even had circles outside circles. I had siblings all around.. And I truly mean all around. I had family coming out of my ears. I was just never alone. I learned very young how to be dependent on others. Not in a bad way, I don't believe I ever took advantage of anyone, except maybe my parents.

I sat here Sunday Mothers Day. Alone, sadly alone. I am a mother and this is the first time I have haven't shared this "holiday" with someone, my children, my mother or sisters. I cried of course. Blamed everyone but me... It stunned me realizing that I CONTROL it! I decide I'm not waiting around the house for D to get home and entertain me. I don't need him or anyone with me to eat out. I CAN enter the library solo, they actually allow that.

Sunday was my day for personal liberation. I tied on my sandals.. Actually I slipped them on, cute new tevas.. Anyhow. I hopped on my bike rode to the library picked up 4 books. One about NYC as with or without D I am going to NYC in September so I want to have a plan'ish as to what I want to see and do. Another about 10-20 mile bike rides in and around Denver, great for me as I want to embrace the city the best I can since I'm here for now. Then I got NYC with kids, I want to take the kids to NYC next summer or this Christmas. And finally I got "mike, mike and me" a chick book, about a woman that let a guy go married another guy and the let go guy comes back. I left the library feeling like "wow that wasn't so bad, I can do that a lot" I cycled the 2 miles back home dropped my books off, took a deep breath and headed for Noodles and company. I pulled up to the front, locked up my bike, went inside and turned back out. WHOA I couldn't do it. I couldn't go in there!! Not knowing ALL these people knew I was solo. I purposely left my phone at home so I couldn't call an unknowing enabler!! Ok then I came to my senses and realized I would have looked way stupid had I turned around and left. I went in I ordered my meal, sat down and read my NYC book. I felt my face and neck getting hotter and brighter and anyone that knows me knows how noticeable it is. The waiter came by asked if I was waiting on someone he could hold my meal. Grrr NO I'm not! I'm practicing being self sufficient and comfortable with it! I ate, I left!! I DID IT!!

I am always waiting. Waiting for others or waiting for myself to be content with me.

I had a great day as it came to a close!!

Home FREE..

2005-05-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

We are heading home for a 4 day weekend May 19th. I haven't been home since Christmas and even then I was only there for 1 day to get the kids and bring them back to Denver with me. I almost love the anxeity and stress brings to air travel... NOT!!

I am very lucky to get free air travel but there are pro's and con's to it.

The beauty of free air travel:
#1. Its free.
#2. I can go whenever I want.. not wherever but whenever wherever the airline flies (which includes vegas, portland and most of cali)
#3. Its still free.

What sucks about free travel:
#1 Its stand-by. A last minute paying traveller can bump me. An employee with more seniority than D can bump me.
#2 All the employees know your traveling "non-rev" so they are all mean and rude waiting for your reaction so they can deny you travel...MEAN.
#3 It sucks to get bumped when your so stoked to travel... for FREE!!
#4 It sucks to get bumped from the last flight of the night. you either sleep in an airport or find an affordable hotel..

I will not complain though, I can't afford to.

One thing I love is that this affords me more time with D. We dont travel alot together but will more now as time permits.

Im only 30 and my baby is 10

2005-04-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

OK... So my 31st birthday is coming. hmm... I dont care!!!

More importantly I will have a 10 year old daughter in 2 days!! what?? how did that happen? yeah well she will be 10. I still know the details too!! I had her at Bess Kaiser in Portland, Or at 3:10pm after 3 hours of pushing and 7 hours of labor before that!! and the WORST part was that "monster-in-law" rocking in the chair at the delivery end of my gurney!! UGH!!! I love you emmy no matter who was at the foot of our bed. Your silvery blonde hair and the cutest swirly cowlick at your hairline. Perfect round face and cute little nose! You're a keeper!!

You are unbelievably sweet. So caring and sensitive. Smart as a whip and witty somehow. must be me!! I love your affinity for music, I hope you follow your dreams and look forward to your future. I want to provide you with any oppotunity I can. Especially if it helps you achieve your goals. Accept your education, take all they give you and ask for more. Its yours, you deserve it.

D and I hope that you LOVE LOVE LOVE your IPod. I wish I could put a special mommy touch to it but I can't. I can put my special mommy touch you though. We have it all loaded up and ready to go for you to sing your heart out!!

Happy Birthday Sweet Pea

Wait.. stay a little longer

2005-04-27T09:27:00.000-07:00

The surgery came and went by quickly. Thankfully it all went as planned and I am recovering nicely. I hope. But everyone is gone now. Mom and aunt dawn went home. D went back to work and I am home, solo. Some good days some bad days. The headaches are strange they seem to pop up and throb until I am SURE my head will pop off, then they are gone just like that. Hmm maybe thats the codeine I was perscribed and laready refilled after only 4 days. HAHA.

I liked having guests here, I liked that they saw me as an adult caring (mostly) for myself. Strange coming from a woman that gave birth to 2 children and was married for nearly 10 years. But I am on my OWN here, D isnt home often enough for me to say I take care of him. And the kids arent here often enough for me to say I take care of them either. Maybe I liked the fact that I didnt have to entertain them? Well I guess I did being that moms biggest thrill in life is caring for others. Anyhow

I am in my 5th day of recovery, I am doing good and thankful that my mountain of anxiety turned out to be a mole hill of pain. My head and face swelled like a circus side show freak but I was in the comforts of my own home. My hair was matted up real good and gross until my sweet and by the book boyfriend helped me wash it in the kitchen sink!! should got pics!! LOL

Anyhow, Its all over now. If I didnt make any sense in this post please accept my apologies im still cracked out on codeine!!

Nancy is coming to town

2005-04-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

Twas the saturday before surgery and all through my house, I have cleaned everything inside this damned house.

This little miss muffett hasn't been sitting on her tuffett. I have been mopping and dusting and bleaching from floor to ceiling.

For anyone blessed enough to know Nancy knows she has a "spirit" about her. I love my mom so much but I have learned to love her more from further away. Now after 30 years of me always being in her home abiding"ish" by her rules and eating her food and so on.. she is coming to my home. She will be eating my foods and sleeping in my bed and will see how I live. She will be the first to tell you I am unkempt and live like a 10 year old with no cares in the world.

I know I just got down saying I have cleaned from floor to ceiling but, I always do. I love nothing more than for my home to be spotless. Just dont look in my bedroom!! I have a weird obsession with my kitchen, I seriously get anxious and upset when I come home and the kitchen is even remotely messy... UGH!! I can't wait for mom to see that I am very clean and organized.

I am secretly excited though. now she has to eat my meals and abide by MY rules... hehe. yah right. I just told her no men after 7pm... hahaha.

This will be great, having mom and aunt Dawn here to take care of me while I recover, and to just see familiar faces on my turf is great in itself.

I didn't get it

2005-04-09T19:28:00.000-07:00

I didn't!!!

I didn't get it, that I needed to take care of my body. I was clueless until I was 24. I had babies and the "stuff" didn't go back to where it was before.... WHAT?? Oh my!! I doubled my size nearly in 6 years.. it was quite gross actually. It almost seemed to late once I realized it. I turned 28 and was begining a long divorce process and my body said it was ready now.. I think it was more affraid of having to meet a new man someday...lol. So anyhow, I finally got it!! I am in control of MOST of my body, I have big bones and can accept the fact that I wont ever be 123 pounds. But I started losing weight and it seemed to fall off with every blink!! I lost 80 pounds!! I did it, rather effortlessly. I was healthier, lived healthier loved my new me... was excited about me and had fun with me and met someone who dug me too. Ahh life is grand... wait what happened?? I got down to a decent weight but still had another 20-30 to go before I was "attractive" to men I was attracted to... why am I looking for attractive men when I just mentioned a great guy you ask?? yeah well, I think we all secretly, some not so secretly, enjoy the attention and take pride in the fact that someone is attracted and besides I hadn't had "attention" in years. For gods sake I was literally a piggy. Anyhow I hit that ever so seemingly endless plateau.. I would be happy with losing about 1-15 more right now...

I joined the gym, I did it, I pay for it.. I AM GOING come hell or high water!! I love my cycling class 2 nights a week and I love my 6am pilates classes 2x a week.. its the butt crack of dawn but I drag in there telling myself the whole 4 miles that ITS GOOD FOR YOU, ITS GOOD FOR YOUR SEX LIFE...hehe. ITS ONLY 2 DAYS A WEEK!!

I have set reasonable goals. But one "goal" I have is more like a personal promise. As I have mentioned I think in every post I AM 30! I have vowed that I WILL NOT have any more children after 34!! On my 35th birthday I WILL have my tubes tied and a TUMMY TUCK!!! I will have had my babies, I have worked hard this last 2 years on taking weight off this is my treat for me!! I chose this over a VOLVO!!! lol. And besides I can't seem to shake that baby baring belly, So like a cancerous growth I REMOVE IT!!!

I finally know now what I didn't know then and I am grateful that I am young enough to use it, change it, fix it and LOVE it!!

Here there and everywhere..

2005-04-09T18:59:00.000-07:00

Doug and I want to take Brayden on a 3-4 day backpacking trip.. Doug and I back packed the Juan De Fuca marine trail last summer it was a total of about 14 miles, our packs were 40+ pounds. It was the MOST adventurous and strenuous thing I have ever done. I LOVED IT!! No cell phones, no ever so important laptops, no music (kinda sucked) and pure OUTPUT!! we hiked and hiked and HIKED!! I thought for sure I wasn't going to come away from this alive let alone loving it. I DID IT! Not only was I proud of MYSELF I was proud that I kept up with his skronny butt!! The experience brought us closer, made us more aware of each other and bound that memory in us forever. My youngest is my rocket!! He lives to climb, jump, run and anything that involves super hero manuevers.. His shoes make him fast!! So Doug and I decided we want to take Brayden on a 3-4 day backpack trip, Hike in stay a night or 2, raft, light rock climbing, rock hopping just plain ole adventurous fun. I am so excited, I bought him a backpacking pack, GOOD hiking boots, an awesome cap and a set of walkie talkies.

On to Emmys trip, When she spends her 6 weeks with Doug and I in Colorado I intend on taking her to a BIG city like DC or Chicago or NYC. She is my prissy girl. She wants to shop and TALK and talk and TALK... she is a visual creature.. she could probably go forever without climbing anything but into bed. So I thought taking her to see places she hasn't been and having big stories to take back to school in the fall would do her GREAT! I want my kids to experience things young and have these memories I dont have. I want them to experience culture and society in different elements, I want boog to do activities that make him happy and utilize his energy. I want emmy to have memories of good times and ways to express her creativity.

I get excited thinking about the stories they get to share and memories they get to make with me. I love that I can do this for them now.

In turning 30 and all the wild thoughts that have been probing my already sensitive brain... I realized in the last 2 years I have experienced more with Doug than I have in 30 YEARS!! I grew up athletic, playing ball, fighting brothers and roaming with my friends. Lets not forget the ever so memorable teenage drinking parties!!! I never experienced life outside of St. Johns... who woulda thunk there was a life out there.... What the hell was I thinking getting married at 20??? I guess I did it backwards huh... I got married bought houses, nice cars, kids the whole thing...AT 20 and when it all ended I was left with me and my kids. No real experiences to speak of the occassional trip with Marie and Megan, whidbey island, seaside, 21st birthday in Vegas with girlfriends but no REAL experiences.. I missed it all!!

Well i'm 30 now, I have every opportunity to do the things I grew up not knowing I wanted to do. I have some flying benefits, I have some time, little extra fundage these days and the knowledge. My next trip is to Woodstock to see my uncle and buffalo to see my sisters. I am hoping to get a few friends together for a Vegas weekend.. I even have a proposition for y'all.. In 2006 I WILL either go on a cruise or to Ireland.

Oh what a ....week

2005-04-09T17:49:00.000-07:00

I thankfully was SO busy all week.

I have had a rough couple of weeks, I can't stand confusion. I am rarely confused for to long. When I don't understand something, I figure it out. When I can't figure something out I get rather disturbed until I can figure it out. I have come to the conclusion that I can't figure this one out, and I have to move on that way. More details another time

I lost an employee this week. She had to be let go, unexpectedly. That only left me with TONS of work and TONS of clean up. I feel alot pressure now especially since I go on medical leave in less than 2 weeks, I have to train someone to not only do my job but her job too... ARGHHHH why now. When it rains it ABSOLUTLY pours.

I can do it though!! I know I can!! I know when I complete these tasks I will be just fine!!

So the last week in a nutshell was hell... As I mentioned I was in an utter state of sad confusion in my relationship which caused me so much pain!!! Then to have SO much dumped on me at work really weighed me down. The nerves and anticipation of my upcoming surgery... It all made for a TOUGH week...

Its saturday and I made it!!! Tomorrow is a new day.. today it was a beautiful 66 degrees and tomorrow is supposed to bring 1-2 feet of snow!! WACKY!!

Only the lonely

2005-03-31T19:55:00.000-07:00

What the hell was I thinking?

I knew what I was getting into! I knew that coming out here would/could get lonely, Im not so much of a loner but I prefer smaller circles of friends. I have lived here a little over a year I haven't made any real significant friends to speak of.

I am having surgery, a pretty significant one and I pretty much have to go it alone. That hasn't ever been in my handbook of life, I have a big family and a decent circle of friends.

D and are at a crossroads and I am going at it alone, im not used to being alone. I have never been alone. Its a whole new world out here, not having my family scattered around various corners. Not being able to hop in my car, run to a girlfriends house and hang out.

This experience has been amazing for me, I have learned a certain independence and learned that I CAN do it. BUT DAMN cant I have SOMEONE??

What doesn't KILL me makes me stronger this I KNOW!!